Saturday, 26 July 2014


"Oi," said Mike far too loudly for anyone in the nearby vicinity to ignore, "you know? I don' have to have sex to... to ge' a boner. I just fink sexy foughts and... and..."
"Yeah, I know, righ'?" replied Charles.

I sat there in my chair. It wasn't really a conversation relevant to maths class with your teacher nearby. Everyone was about 12, too; we had yet to have any sex education past the biological bits, barring one lesson halfway through year 7 wherein they just assumed we knew everything. I hardly knew anything about sex at that point and I'd only recently found out what an erection was - or, as Mike put it, "a boner".

"I must admi', I do like fuckin' my pillow!" ejaculated Mike in response to Charles' enthusiastic and encouraging acknowledgement of this fact. I went back to my maths and tried not to be sick into the bin.

Everyone has a sexual discovery at that age. Everyone. It's a dream. Or a crush. Or even a biology lesson. Even if you know about sex by that point (and you should, British education system!), when your important bits start working you are - most likely - going to have some sort of sex-related epiphany, even if it is using your pillow as a sex toy at 12 years old.

But this one sticks in my mind. Why? Well, although it made me feel slightly nauseated (the North London accent didn't help, but I was surrounded by it anyway), the subject matter was uncomfortable and it essentially amounted to bragging by a pair of bullies, it was the first time I'd ever really heard sexual pleasure which didn't actually involve any sex mentioned by... well, anyone. I knew exactly what they were talking about - hell, it had happened to me as well, although I'd never admit to that - but the more I think about, the more I am struck by how simplistic this description was. And how effective.

Of course you don't need to have sex to get a boner. But it would be nice if someone had mentioned that before the bullies did.

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