Sunday, 8 June 2014

Soft Porn Sunday: Susan Featherly & Christopher Sheffer

I've been underdosing a bit on soft porn recently as whatever it is that stops me from watching soft porn and wanking incessantly takes precedence. As such, it was difficult to choose a scene, particularly as I set myself some provisos this time: it has to be from a series, rather than a film; it has to be different from anything I've done before, and it can't be anything I've had on my mind for the past week or so.

It also had to be something on my hard drive, as I didn't fancy plugging my DVD drive in to attempt to get my discs of wonder working. Porn and DVD drives don't always go together.

Possibly a Donkey Kong Country homage.
I settled on this one, for a few reasons. However, what's important to note (and is, in reality, the main reason I downloaded it) is that this is the first sex scene I ever saw from Passion Cove. I'd seen sex scenes before, of course, but Passion Cove - which is my favourite softcore TV series - has delivered some of the best ones. This one may not be fantastic, per se, but it's worth a glance. After I finish writing this, I may well go hunting for the rest of the scenes from this episode. That's how fanatical I am... and how much of a life I genuinely don't have.

Appearance: Passion Cove, Series 2: "Ghostly Passion"

Characters: Grace & Jason

Okay, before you ask, the title is not a joke and that is genuinely a hint at the plot. The two main characters, Jason (Sheffer) and Grace (Featherly, credited as "Michelle Turner" for some reason), are ghost chasers, and they are hired by perennial one-shot-per-episode-character Samantha (Caroline Ambrose, who manages to avoid ever taking her clothes off) to investigate paranormal happenings at Passion Cove, conveniently glossing over the fact that there's already been a series and a half of this stuff, and ghosts haven't ever ever ever been mentioned before, ever at all ever.

Well done, production team.

This scene happens pretty soon after the episode begins and it doesn't even happen at Passion Cove,
I like the bra, but what's the ladder for?
probably necessitating the crew to hire a different set. However, it does happen in a trailer, so maybe that wasn't so difficult, and I think you'll find also cheaper. Jason and Grace run their paranormal investigative business (yes, really) out of a small trailer (yes, this one) with an inordinate number of computers in it. Because computers help you find ghosts or something. I've never found one, so I wouldn't know.


Anyway, so they're an unmarried couple and apparently they have a lot of sex, which helps if you are a couple, and the question allegedly hanging over their heads is the will they/won't they ever get married? one. At least, that's what the continuity announcer said - I can't remember seeing any sign of that throughout the episode, but my memory is a little hazy. Whatever, it gets lost in the sex and ghost bits, so let's forget that subplot ever happens, shall we?

This sex scene starts off as all good sex scenes should: with lots of kissing and disrobing. For the first twenty-five seconds, I would get really annoyed at the regular lightning-flash effects which happen at this point, were it not for two important points: one, they provide handy jump cuts to various states of undress for both characters, so there's no waiting around for them to get their damn clothes off like in The Regina Pierce Affair. I also like kissing in soft porn - I always kiss before sex, don't know about you, but I'm assuming you do too - so it's good to see that for a brief instance, as long as it's not too much.

The second (and main) reason I don't mind these flashes, however,  is that they sync up with the music - deliberately. It's a familiar piece of music - I've heard it before in Passion Cove - and it's in 4/4 time. Every fourth beat coincides with a light-flash-jump-cut, until 25 seconds have elapsed, when the guitar comes in and it starts to become a continuous scene. I am, of course, probably the only person to have ever noticed this, but somebody put the effort in, so well done, person who I'm acknowledging for doing something so minute but really quite clever in an irrelevant way!

Anyway, on with the scene.

You monsters! He was one day from retirement!
At 00:27 we get a simulated blowjob in the standard style of obscuring the male actor's crotch with the back of the female actor's head. This is followed by Grace "climbing" Jason's torso so she can kiss him again. They're both topless by this point, and I'm pleased to see the lack of rippling muscles on Christopher Sheffer, making Jason seem like an average enough guy. Susan Featherly, of course, is absolutely gorgeous, especially with her reams of straggly blonde hair, and it's all pretty to look at. At 00:44, I am briefly scandalised that they sweep some computers off a desk to have sex on it - how dare you treat computers like that! - but the sound effect is inadequate for the massive crash that may come from doing such a thing (it's clearly a crew member choosing something from The Games Factory sound effects), so it doesn't bother me that much.

Also, they look a bit like Acorns, and nobody uses those any !more.

Grace does the YMCA for a bit while Jason removes her knickers and hitches up her skirt, kisses down
"Ah, my magic bar."
her thighs and (presumably) licks her vagina, although it's hard to tell with these things, and then we get three more light flashes (more random this time) before actual sex happens, which we first see in the missionary position through their trailer window. We see a lot through their trailer window - "we paid enough for this damn bit of perspex, let's use it as much as we can!" - but it's easy enough to make out what's happening - the movements are clear enough and Jason's making a noise like a wounded rhinoceros - although when we snap back to the view from inside the trailer, it's less appealing due to what he's doing with his face. Still, they appear to be enjoying themselves.


It actually stops at that point - they only have sex for about fifteen seconds; Boris Becker would approve - and to fill time Featherly laughs a bit (I presume it's the actress laughing, actually, rather than the character, it may not be scripted!) while Sheffer does basically nothing. "I need a vacation," says Grace, once they've straightened up, and so off they go.

Here, have some boobs.

Hang on, wait, wait a second. They're ghost investigators. They're going to investigate ghosts. That's not a vacation. That's work. They're going to do work, work being the job they do for work, work they've been commissioned to do by the person who hired them to do their work, who's expecting them to work at Passion Cove, which is where they're going to do work! Where'd the "vacation" thing come from? You're going to work, idiot!

He's just read Yodelling for Beginners.
Anyway, so why do I like this scene, apart from the nostalgia and ignoring the wanton destruction of computers? Well, to be fair, it is all done pretty well. The music is recognisable to fans of the programme and syncs up with the action, even the light flashes, which I like. The urgent sex idea is carried across pretty well to the point where she still has her socks and shoes on throughout the entire scene (and her knickers are hanging from her right ankle too; now that's forethought!). The small trailer where they do their business and do their business is made to seem large enough to have sex in while small enough to feel cramped - somehow. And they're both putting a lot of effort into pretending to have sex.

So there's that.

Oh, and by the way, if you were wondering... they do get married, and there are ghosts. Spoiler!

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