Sunday, 29 June 2014

New Haverbrook

I'M SORRY, I'M DEAF IN ONE EAR! SCARLET FEVER!
About a week and a half ago, I lost all hearing in my right ear. After a mild panic consisting mostly of going into work and asking everyone to repeat everything while teaching myself to lip-read, I decided that I really needed to do something about this, and went to a practice nurse to get my ears irrigated (both of them, because why the hell not?). She tried - hard - but the wax in there (and it is just wax, which is a relief, because I had enough hearing problems when I was in my infancy) wasn't budging. It was packed tight, rock solid and not going to be budged by the feeble efforts of sterilised water.

I made a repeat appointment, quietly cursing my ear in the full knowledge that it wouldn't hear what I was saying, and took the nurse's advice to get a little bottle of olive oil to put in my ear canal twice a day, lying on my side. I've never really been into putting food products anywhere except in my mouth (except for that one time), so that seemed like a prospect I wasn't going to very much enjoy. However, Cerumol ear drops are expensive, and since I don't have any money whatsoever, I got a little pipette and bottle for about £1, filled it up with extra virgin olive oil (because I am that cool), and have been lying on a towel, filling my ear with the thing I use for frying food. Twice a day.

Yesterday, we spent hours moving my sister's stuff into various recesses of SH, and this included moving the sofa bed I've been sleeping on into the lounge for her benefit. Her bed, which was taken apart by my dad, has been moved into our room, reconstructed with what seems like far too much effort for a Saturday evening, and OH MY GLOD IT IS THE MOST COMFORTABLE THING EVER at least when compared to the sofa bed I HAD THE BEST SLEEP OF MY LIFE I really hope my sister hasn't had too much sex on this bed because why do I think about these things?

So today I lay my towel down, got onto my side on the bed, filled the pipette with olive oil, dropped it into my ear canal and...

...the bed was soft and I felt like I was sinking into it.
...my ear was full and I couldn't hear anything out of it.
...my other ear was pressed against the bed and I couldn't hear anything out of it either.

This was, without a doubt, one of the most trippy experiences I've ever had. I closed my eyes and felt an almost complete disconnection to... well, everything, really. Who needs drugs, I reasoned, when you can just stuff liquidised olea europaea into your orifices? I almost thought of marketing it, when I realised that this was an incredibly idiotic idea, and went back to feeling slightly not there.

Ten more minutes of feeling out of my body when I realised I'd had the feeling before. I sat bolt upright.
"Hey!" I said to myself because nobody else was in the room. "I know! This is just like the feeling I get after I have an orgasm!"
I almost punched the air with my realisation. However, at that point, my hand found itself busy being covered with olive oil that came pouring out of my ear as a result of my forgetting what I was doing before having such an epiphany.

Ah well. At least the bed is still soft. In fact, keep adding olive oil and it'll be nutritious too...!

4 comments:

Sati said...

Sheesh, you worried me there with the scarlet fever bit. I nearly died from that a few years back. Not fun.

But anyway, carry on. It's a shame BUPA (which I think is now called Spire) is so dear. They put tubes in your ears and suck all the wax out. Which is also a curiously orgasmic feeling, although I've never admitted that till just now.

Is it wrong that the thought of having gunk sucked out of my ears is turning me on now? Ah, the perils of being a tactile person...

~ S.

Innocent Loverboy said...

I don't think that's as unusual a turn-on as you think it is. The ears are an erogenous zone and the feeling of putting something in them (for example, a cotton bud) is actually quite therapeutic, even though you're not actually meant to do that. Russell Howard's got an anecdote about swabbing his ears while being given a blowjob...

I was put off anything going in my ears in my younger years, where I actually suffered from partial deafness until the tubes in my ears were enlarged with a T-grommet and a lot of wax and foreign objects were removed. Having a grommet removed was painful and came as a complete shock, but as a result, my hearing improved dramatically to the point where I could hear pennies being dropped on the floor.

So I spent my time collecting them during my first year at secondary school...

In any case, you're not meant to put anything in your ears, but I totally get the feeling of why it's a good feeling doing so - and why not add a bit of suction too?

Sati said...

"Why not add a bit of suction too?" should be a universal question that applies to everything. EVERYTHING.

Innocent Loverboy said...

Absolutely.