I can't remember ever being this ill before. I mean, I must have been - I've been worse. I can't quite remember when. I can't remember much. I've been sick quite a lot: increasingly so in the past few years, for various reasons including back luck, bad diet, no exercise and living in a room without adequate light and heat.
Let's step back a bit. I'm not well. I don't even know what I have, apart from a list of ailments stemming from something of completely unknown origin. I'll go for aliens - that's the most likely explanation, and the geekiest. So, yeah, due to aliens, I have the following:
- consistent back and neck pain
- Psyduck-style headache
- stuffed-up nose
- bad throat, loss of voice
- hacking cough
- heartburn and chest pain
- shortness of breath with laboured breathing
- intermittent stomach pain
- loss of hearing in one ear
- total lack of sleep
- lack of energy, leading to stoop
- nausea; malaise; sleepiness; dizzy spells
- projectile vomiting
Sounds like 'flu, doesn't it? But it isn't. There isn't enough discharge for it to be 'flu and the symptoms are too varied. I'm more inclined to think I got food poisoning on Sunday as a result of eating a lot at my uncle's barbecue, exacerbated by the fact that I then threw up directly following a well-intentioned shower. This hasn't been helped by the fact that my insomnia is worse than usual, and my girlfriend isn't sleeping much either, so we are ending up both lying awake, lacking energy and feeling pretty miserable, to be honest.
I just think I'll define this as "everything". I need an overhaul or a spell in one of those healing machines they have in Elysium. At least I'm not pregnant. I don't think I am, anyway.
The absolutely moronic thing is that I'm acting as if this isn't happening. It's pointless complaining to my parents because they may lack sympathy, and I haven't taken any time off work because I can't afford to. Things are also reaching fever pitch at work, with things speeding up, extra hours to be put on and external powers that be making things difficult. I'm turning up and pretending I'm firing on all cylinders; realistically, I'm running on slow burn. I'm still able to do my job - but I begin to flag at the halfway mark and by the time I get home, I can barely move much.
I've also gained a lot of weight in a very short space of time. I can't remember being any fatter, and I lack the ability to exercise (past walking - I used to go running at least three times a week; now, if I try, I stagger and feel like I may hyperventilate). So I'm feeling a little physically repulsive as well - I know I don't like the way I look anyway, but this is that even more, if that is humanly possible!
Hooray. I'm amazing.
This, of course, means I haven't been having sex. I haven't even been masturbating, so this leads to some very peculiar behaviour of my body at times, including incredibly random erections (and I mean random - even without a stimulus of any kind), exaggerated imaginary visualisation of sexual conquests past and present, increased wondering about the sexual habits of fellow commuters and co-workers and being very tactile and affectionate to my girlfriend (although I don't think she minds that much; plus, I'm always affectionate). I'm sure I'd put the effort in if the opportunity were to present itself, but I'm not even sure I'd survive!
I need some recovery tips. Something other than "drink more water", "get more air" or "man up" (which never helps, and I find it insulting, anyway). And, failing that, I'd really like a cuddle, a massage, a good book and someone to bring me hot chocolate.
Fat-free hot chocolate, obviously.