Monday, 5 May 2014

Something something, something something, something maypole

I maypole you.

[Waits for applause. Doesn't get anything other than crickets. Ploughs on regardless.]

My mother broke out the maypole this morning. Yes, she actually does this every year, she is that twee - she even had some tea and scones ready for a respite. What's worse is that I actually took part: a green ribbon in hand, I danced in a circle around the giant phallic symbol, for no reason other than to really earn my bank holiday. I haven't done much with the rest of the day, though. Went for a run. That's about it.

But this got me thinking, because that's what I do: think. "Pole". All UKIP-like references to people stealing our jobs aside, is it really a verb as well as a noun?

Think about synonyms for coitus. "Have sex", "sleep with" and "make love to" are all in major circulation, are are taboo words like "shag" or "fuck". But then we also get things people say which are actually nouns - words that mean "penis", so shouldn't really make lexicographical sense at all. Pole - as in, I'm going to pole your girlfriend - is one of them. I understand the sentiment, insofar as you are going to use your pole (penis) on/in her, but something jars with me there.

I have the same problem with "bone" someone (I've been boning his sister for years now), "dick" someone (Dick's the tutor and Dick dicks the tutor with his dick), and, worst of all, "cock" someone. I wasn't even aware anyone said that until I saw it in amateur pick-up porn, where the main, hairy and totally disgusting star asked if he'd "cocked" a girl they saw on a college campus. I mean, really! You're not going to pick anyone up with grammar like that!

Who's she? I haven't seen her before. Have I cocked her?
- a complete idiot

The main problem with this sort of thing, inappropriate use of nouns aside, is that it seems so phallocentric as to be ridiculous. I don't think these phrases are meant to be sexist - not really intentionally, anyway - but it seems too much like hyperbole to be taken seriously, as it doesn't seem to actually involve whomsoever receiving the "pole", etc., at all. Were I a heterosexual girl about to have sex with a boy, I don't think I'd want to be poled, boned, dicked, or (worst of all) cocked. Fucked? Sure. It's a swear word but I have no problem with it.

But these just seem violent. Not so far as to be rape synonyms, but nevertheless...

Am I going too far here? Do any of you lovely readers use "pole" as a synonym for "have sexual intercourse with..."? Or am I just being oversensitive to the misuse of nouns as verbs and misconstruing them as having savage overtones? Let me know. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Now please excuse me while I go and bang my girlfriend. Oh, there's another one!


Emma Whispers said...

I always think if you 'bang' someone it sounds a bit violent, like banging someone over the head.

I've never been told I'm going to be cocked, poled or likewise.

Fucked, shagged, screwed - does screwed fall into the same category? There isn't much screw like motion in it really.. also leading to nailed..


Innocent Loverboy said...

I've never been sure about "banging" either. It also doesn't make any sense unless you're doing it against a hard surface and there's an onomatopoeic reaction.

The others are all verbs - although you're right with screwed; unless you're having rotational sex (if that's possible) then it doesn't seem very appropriate. But nail is okay if it's a repetitive thrusting movement - like banging a nail into some wood!

One of the first words you ever said to me online was "screwed". How I remember stuff like that I'll never know.