Sunday, 27 April 2014

Soft Porn Sunday: Tera Patrick & Paul Logan

Tera Patrick? Is she really in soft porn? I mean, really? This is the lady I've seen sucking off two men until they ejaculate into her mouth in turn and swallowing all of it. I've seen her on her back in the floor with her legs in the air, getting shagged until she orgasms and then continuing on. I've seen her taken from behind up against a bannister. This is the girl whose autobiography I read in which she expresses a massive preference for gonzo porn.

This is, indeed, Tera Patrick. And Paul Logan, who's a bodybuilder. I recognise the name, but probably because I'm thinking of Hulk Hogan.

Or maybe not.

Aaaaaaanyway...

Appearance: The Seduction of Maxine (2000)
Characters: Naomi Grant & Jack Howard

This is the best angle to view Jack's head from.
So I'm going to say this right now: unlike most of these, I haven't actually seen the film which contains the scene. After a bit of digging, I discovered that, although it's clearly softcore, The Seduction of Maxine is actually something of a spin-off from The Bodyguard, incorporating some of the same plot, including the stalker idea. Packaged for DVD as The Stalker for that reason, Tera Patrick's part is played down a little - she doesn't play the lead despite having a good few sex scenes - and it's billed as more of a thriller than anything else.

So not your standard "erotic thriller" that you used to get on Channel 5 on a Friday evening. But it comes fairly close.

This scene happens between Naomi (Patrick), a friend of the main character (played by Tracy Ryan - she of I Love Lesbians 12 and other such classics), who in turn is slightly jealous of Naomi... and Jack (Logan), whose job it is to have sex with her. Look, I don't know the plot, okay? Jack is actually the bodyguard to Ryan's character, but with zingers like "I think this meeting's over" when a meeting's over, I think he'd probably pleased to have someone/thing to do otherwise.

The scene in question happens on a big white bed in a standard white bedroom and is, I hate to say, utterly unremarkable in every single way.

That isn't to say it's bad. It isn't. To its credit, there's no overlong undressing scene; Naomi is naked
Is it just me, or is there a candle in every sex scene ever?
from the start and Jack's got some semblance of pants on which come off after 38 seconds of very fake cunnilingus. The problem with this is that it's a short scene - 2:56 in length - and so you're a sizeable chunk of the way in before any sex happens. I'm not against any oral sex in softcore at all - it's just that in such a short scene, the sex should start instantly!


Okay, so we have sex. Most of the focus here is on the top half of Tera Patrick's body, so we see plenty of face and boobs from Naomi and very little of Jack, but there are a couple of wide-angle shots to show us which position they're meant to be in and convince us that Tera's not just doing an invisible bounce. There's even one shot around the one-minute mark that pans down her body, shows us Jack for about a millisecond, and then zips back at lightspeed to her boobs, like someone who's forgotten their keys and goes back to get them!

We start with Naomi on her back, switch to her on top (which is pretty much as you'd expect, except there's a HUGE MIRROR ON ONE SIDE OF THE ROOM so you get two different angles), and finally we get a bit with her standing up, supporting herself against the bedpost - although it actually looks more like she's pressing against the wall from the way it's filmed - Jack in particular looking very uncomfortable, glancing at the camera/audience for reassurance and gripping her stomach as if he's trying to administer the Heimlich manoeuvre during sex.

Oh, hai audience.
They then switch to the same position, on the other side of the bed. Uhm, what? Why?!

It's at this point that you notice the soundtrack, which up until this point has been the work experience kid pratting around with a drum machine. At 2:23 it fades out for a bit before coming back in again. Tera tries to fill the space with some very overdubbed moans and the cameraman then goes off for lunch, letting the camera focus on their bums for TEN WHOLE SECONDS before mixing back to the first side FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND WHERE TO HAVE SEX! At this point we get more overdubbed moans and a sing grunt from Jack, which I suppose is the orgasm indicator, and then we mix to what appears to be a kitchen. I don't know really, my clip cuts off at that point.

I'll admit that I'd have a difficult time masturbating to this. It ticks all the boxes for a by-the-numbers
Pan up, dude! Pan UP!
softcore scene form the early 2000s - lots of mixes rather than jump cuts, incredibly uninspired music which was probably cheap to make, and actors who look nice but aren't really putting much effort in. Tera Patrick is very attractive, but there's really not much to recommend Paul Logan, specifically sporting that 80s haircut a decade or so late. Neither of them are really trying very much, there's not a lot of variation in the movement and it doesn't really sync up well.


There's some woman wailing a bit in the background, but that also gets lost in the jumble. It's no Virgin Snow, that's for sure.

Sneak peek at the set for YouPornGirl's next video.
I can't, hand on heart, say this doesn't fit in with the rest of the film, because I haven't seen it. But, judging by its merits (and the fact that there's another scene later on with the same two characters which also doesn't work), this is so middle-of-the road that there isn't a formulaic adjective to unoriginally describe how clich├ęd this bromidic scene is. On its own, it's tired. Compared to a few of my favourite scenes, it's not worth a look at all!

Except I just spent about 40 minutes writing about it. So who's the bored one here, one wonders?

No comments: