Sunday, 26 January 2014

Soft Porn Sunday: Shyra Deland & Christian Boeving

One defining characteristic of softcore films produced by Surrender Cinema is the lack of vocal sound effects during the sex scenes themselves. By which I mean, of course, that there are very few (and in many cases a total lack thereof) moans, grunts, shouts of joy, praises to the sky and other strange sounds that, apparently, people make during sex. (People make sounds during sex - who knew?) With that in mind, I tried to think of one that was anomalous to this trend.

Surrender, to its credit, manages to make scenes sexy without people moaning through a combination of expressive facial expressions, music that synchronises with the scene, and a bright gloss over the scenes which show (nearly) everything, in contrast to other film series, like Emmanuelle (which relies heavily on noises carrying the scenes over quite routine music) and Russ Meyer's films (which mostly rely on Prince Igor for some reason).

Here's one which doesn't do that.

Appearance: Andromina - The Pleasure Planet (1999)
Characters: Roxie & Jeeter

I've mentioned Andromina twice before on this blog, so let's skip the plot (it's not important, anyway).
Loosen your belt, dude.
Very little of the action takes place on Andromina, despite the title. This scene happens on the planet whose name I don't remember - the one populated entirely by women where our three heroes go to recruit strippers for Andromina (told you the plot wasn't important). They get separated, and while one is captured by a "savage" tribe (racist much?!) and one by a "futuristic" tribe, Jeeter (Christian Boeving, credited here as John Matrix) hits the jackpot, being found first by a civilisation convinced that the first man they find will be their eternal king and leader forever and ever, amen.


Okay, let's list the problems with this concept, shall we? On the highly unlikely off-chance that any babies are conceived on a planet with no sperm produced anyway, surely there would be male babies, and therefore shouldn't they be kings by default? Or does that not count? Do they just kill all male babies or does this tribe not reproduce? And if not, why didn't they die out aeons ago? Has nobody on the planet seen the gaping flaw in their philosophy? And where's the feminist agenda? Why can't a woman be the leader, seeing as they've coped for centuries perfectly well already? Explain, movie! Explain!

Whatever.

Jeeter (which, let's admit it, is a stupid name, matched only by his actor's last name, "Boeving")
Breath play: ur doin it rong
quickly takes charge of the tribe, but only after an initiation ceremony by one of the girls named Roxie (which is an Earth name, surely?). Well, I say initiation; it's more like "much sex". You probably saw that one coming a mile off, to be fair. Although the first bit of the scene involves Roxie feeling up Jeeter's penis, there's obviously a massive difficulty in getting her hand under his belt, as it takes them twelve seconds before one line of dialogue is spoken. Brilliant acting there. Well done, guys.


The first few minutes of this scene aren't particularly special, but they're kind of hot, in a really odd way. There's a massive contrast between the actors' bodies, though: Shyra Deland is small and slight, whereas Boeving is hulking and covered in muscles which probably shouldn't exist, making Jeeter roughly the size of Centre Point. Kisses, disrobing, more kisses, and a few random things happen before sex kicks in, which is a strange position, actually: her sitting facing away from him and riding (although he looks like he's controlling it), with him sitting up behind her, too. It looks like a fun position, but not very practical.


Drugs: just say no.
This then cuts to standard doggie style, which works to the scene's credit, as it uses both actors to their full potential: Roxie appears full of energy, and Hulk's-twin-brother Jeeter works well just kneeling there like a rock with an array of "damn, I'm huge" expressions on his face. There's a bit of hair-pulling (not really my thing, but...) and bouncing boobs before Roxie goes into anaphylactic shock and they switch to oral sex.

No, seriously, there's no other feasible explanation for the look on Roxie's face.

The simulated blowjob is pretty well done, although it helps that Jeeter's legs are the size of oak trees (it does go on a bit too long), and there's even some simulated cunnilingus, which isn't quite as successful, but at least it fills up some time. And then we get our SURPRISE OMG LOLZ!

Up until 04:12 (out of a scene lasting 05:09), there hasn't been any background noise, just music based
WWF got more popular once this was added.
mostly on temple blocks, something which sounds a bit like a xylophone and wonderfully incongruous electric guitar. But the instant we switch back into actual penetrative sex, there are the aforementioned vocal additions to such a degree that it's actually quite alarming. The final minute-of-so of sex has them both standing up (well, Obélix is standing up - Roxie's just being held up by him, the sad thing being that I actually believe that could happen), and someone suddenly turned Deland's microphone up, because we get the following, in chronological order:


(i) Breathy sounds.
(ii) Breathier sounds.
(iii) Something similar to sounding a bit scared.
(iv) Gasp! Gasp! Gasp!
(v) Uh... aah... aah...
(vi) One very vocal "aih!".
(vii) More assorted noises.
(viii) Breathy sounds.
(ix) Things which wouldn't sound out of place in Japanese porn.
(x) "It's good to be the king" from Jeeter. I can't believe they left that line in.


Not all of us sing during sex. Only some of us.
I've taken the piss a bit, but I actually do like this scene. It's pretty standard in all aspects apart from the male actor being the size of Jupiter and the vocalisations at the end, but it's the vocal additions that make it different from all other Surrender productions I've seen. There isn't anything else like it, and it does make me wonder why they decided to deviate in such an obvious way from their tried-and-tested formula. I suspect that they heard Shyra Deland's voice, which is perfect for the "sounds a bit like I'm scared, but it's actually an orgasm" line that most softcore goes for during sex scenes. She's perhaps a bit overenthusiastic, but it does portray an orgasm in an effective way that would be hard to visually show with both actors standing up.

And it's certainly more arousing than Virgin Snow, at any rate.

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