This is going to be a difficult post to write, so bear with me as I try to clarify what it is I'm going to say.
My dreams have been a bit disturbing recently because my exes have been in all of them. All my exes, that is, except Catherine. So... two of them. Including Rebecca, who's been dead now for a while. Although she hasn't really been taking centre stage.
In the dreams (nightmares, really) I used to have about my exes, they all ended up cheating on me; in reality... well... this actually did happen more than once, which is probably what precipitated both it and my general mistrust for girls, something I've been working on and through ever since. Jilly appears in my dreams too; she doesn't cheat on me in them (as far as I can remember), which I can only construe as a positive thing.
For years, though, including the one-and-a-half-years in which I was in a relationship with Catherine, the drinking girl from my previous relationship continually turned up in my dreams seemingly in order to cheat on me. That relationship didn't end very well (although on better terms, I suppose, than that with either Rebecca or Catherine did), but there was absolutely no indication of infidelity on either side, so my brain managed to do so in its absence.
A couple of weeks ago I read a book of poetry that reminded me of TD and how she was doing a Ph.D. on the subject (and how I've said on multiple occasions that one of the things I missed about not being with her any more is that I couldn't go to any talks about the poetry in question!). Considering how a quick Google search didn't yield much, I had no idea if she was still working on it. I took to Google Chat to ask her directly and she told me that she had finished it, yes (so she's a doctor now), and that she was now living in Brussels with her boyfriend.
With my boyfriend. How strange those words sounded or even looked on the screen. That used to be me. (In case you're wondering, I suddenly envisioned Peeta from The Hunger Games.)
And yet I'm someone else's boyfriend now. I'm in a happy, stable relationship with my girlfriend, who I also live with, so I can't begrudge that statement. And yet, for a moment (a split second), I felt desperately unhappy, as if the intervening years between January 1, 2011 hadn't happened, and neither had a multitude of the things I mentioned in my previous post.
So, yeah, she's back in my dreams now, as is Rebecca. Jilly is present there, too, and (thankfully for me) she is always ensconced in her rôle as girlfriend, but at the same time, I'm an onlooker to something which has/is happened/happening, with both girls at points, and although I'm aware of it in abundance, something in my dream-self screams: cheating! cheating! cheating! I wake up, I feel ashamed, depressed, sad, fraudulent, like a failure... and I fall asleep again. Or I don't want to get up.
Why is this happening?
I'm in the middle of what is probably my best relationship yet and rebuilding a life that took a bit of an emotional tumble since the first of 2011. I flatter myself when I'm saying that I think I'm doing pretty well, considering.
I don't want to have dreams with my exes in. I particularly don't want to have dreams in which they're cheating on me with other people. And I don't want my dream-self to still be in a relationship in which I'm not (apart from the few dreams where Jilly is present, as I've mentioned). It's disturbing. It's upsetting. It's frightening. It brings back all those old feelings I had before, those of not having closure - those of not ever getting closure. No resolutions, no explanations. I'm willing to bet everything I own, including my reputation as a hopeless social misfit, on the lack of closure being the reason my brain keeps bringing me back to this point.
Words of comfort would be nice right now.