Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Ceci n'est pas une porte

I sometimes wonder what might have happened if I took a different path.

Things would be very different if I hadn't started writing ILB. They probably wouldn't be better. They'd be different. When setting this thing up, I hesitated - I even closed Firefox at one point because of all the faff it took setting up a new Google Account in order to use Blogger. But I kept going, eventually ending up doing what I'm doing right now. What would I have done otherwise? What would my life have been otherwise? I've no idea.

I wouldn't have met TD, or Catherine, or Jilly. I wouldn't have made any of the friends I have in this developing circle. I'd have less to talk about in my friendships with H, 47, or Robinson and the crew (although I'd still be friends with them all, of course). I certainly wouldn't have been brave enough, or insightful enough, to go to any of the CCK socials, Spiritual Space, or the SlutWalk. I may not even be as into sexual health as I am.

I'd almost certainly be having less sex. Or none at all.

Then there are smaller decision that I could have made. I could have not gone to Oxford to see TD that one night. It would have led to more sex with snowdrop, who's now married and has a baby and on a path that I wouldn't have wanted to be on myself at this time. I could not have had sex with Jilly the first time I did and our relationship may have started later (or been a non-starter). Alternatively, the different things I could have said or done at Erotic Meet, the people I talked to and socialised with, the things I did, even having Rose stay over for a night to kick my arse at Mario Kart...

They'd all have had their different repercussions.

Every decision I made, every action I've taken, after I started writing ILB, has had a result. Most of them have been good results. There are times when I look back and wonder where I'd be had I made a different sort of decision and gone down a different path, had it presented itself to me. But then I become more confident that I (almost) always made the best sort of choice.

I do miss my old life, yes. But when I look back at the time I (still) consider my most comfortable, writing ILB is always involved. So that was certainly a great decision.

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