Monday, 30 December 2013


My new year's resolution lasts a month: I'm going vegan for the month of January. Fair enough, this also has the potential to become permanent, but I'm starting with 31 days, and we'll see how this goes. My reasons for this? They are numerous, but they boil down to this:

1) Ease. I'm already a strict vegetarian: I have been since the age of nine. Being vegan doesn't really change my diet that radically - it basically cuts out dairy products and honey. I can't actually think of anything else I eat with any alarming frequency that I would need to avoid in a vegan diet. If anyone can think of anything, add it in a comment and I'll probably end up telling you that I don't eat that anyway. Not only am I vegetarian, I'm fussy.

2) Morality. I don't get off on being a vegetarian as much as I do actually campaigning about animal rights, which I do anyway. So, in terms of morality, going vegan is mostly for myself.

3) Health. As I said in this year's FAQ, my health has declined exponentially, and I'd like to be able to continue adequate movement, at least by Eroticon! One way of doing this would be to follow a diet which is, reportedly, healthier than most. As I'm abundantly aware, I eat a lot of cheese, and cheese is dairy, so I'd have to go without. This may not do much for taste (although I both know and like vegan cheese substitute, so I'll go and get some of that!), but it's likely to help with health. Any vegans reading this who have health tips, feel free to share them in the comments, too.

4) Fun. I, and I don't know if this will be surprising or not, love to cook, and (although my dad does the majority of cooking here at SH) I have a collection of vegan recipes from various books and websites. That, and a lot of the stuff I cook could easily be altered to become a vegan dish anyway. So I'm looking forward to experimenting with cooking vegan food!

5) Hummus. Just because.

So, anyway, that's what I'm doing this January. If anyone is willing to share recipes, by all means do. I'm willing to try them out, as long as they don't contain mushrooms!

[*I don't like mushrooms.]

Sunday, 29 December 2013


Just before Christmas, I almost completely ran out of money. My employer either couldn't or wouldn't pay me on time (although they since have), and I not only had Christmas presents to buy, but travel to afford (which I couldn't) and rent to pay (which I have since paid with the aid of a £200 from my mother). Over the Christmas period, my parents housed us temporarily with them - a welcome respite from our previous living condition with the mould, noise and non-working shower. SH, where I am now, is a very small house, comprising one floor and an attic. There are five rooms - bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom and study - plus a small hall and a vestibule type area, which sounds more impressive than it actually is.

Oh, and a broom cupboard.

Around Christmas (in fact, I think, the day beforehand), my parents (although I suspect my father may have been the one to suggest it) "suggested" that we actually move here for "a few months" (read: until I clear my overdraft and get somewhere else). There's very little space left over, and we have re-appropriated what was once the study. Which is now a bedroom with space for drying clothes. We are sleeping (and having sex) on what was a sofa, but is now a bed; we sit and read in the lounge; we shower in the bathroom with very grateful bodies. The rest of the house is something of a demilitarised zone for us, but in reality, that's still a lot more space than we had before we were here.

Life at SH is noticeably calm and relaxed. Despite the presence of things which we didn't have beforehand - my Wii, my cat, a garden with real grass, and my dad (which amounts to the fact that I'm more active than I was before) I feel like I'm calmer than I even was, as things are at a slower pace. Although the fact that I've spent a large amount of time sitting on the sofa reading Justice League International probably contributes to that. I won't be paying much rent for a while, the food's much nicer and I actually have company that I quite like here, which is pretty good.

So although 2013 wasn't very nice at all, really, I'm slightly more optimistic when it comes to 2014, as it starts in a much better place than last year did.

I'll let you know when we've had sex in the shower, by the way.

Friday, 27 December 2013


It's not fun when you're horny but you can't really broach the subject. When there are reasons - you're at your parents' house (even if they are out); you're not sure if it will be particularly well-received or not; your girlfriend has been given the Hannibal box set for Christmas and you're also wanting to watch it.

If you've had an odd uncomfortable, sinking feeling in your stomach ever since Christmas finished, but you still want to have sex. If you're not even sure if you can, you suddenly feel like you may not even have the ability. That's not fun.

There may even be a moment when you manage to make it into bed with your girlfriend, when she's naked (for the first time in what feels like ever), and she gives indications that she would, in fact, really like to have sex, but you've just had a complicated and over-detailed plan about bits of the immediate future and the amount of thoughts in your head just won't allow you to let go and enjoy yourself. Yeah, that's not fun either.

That's really not fun.

When she starts to pleasure herself, however, when she's incredibly wet and didn't even realise it. When she's shuddering and gasping and making sounds that distract you, that turn you on. When, despite all indications to the contrary, you find yourself on top of her, actually having sex after what does, indeed, seem like forever (and has in actuality been more than a week, maybe two - which still seems like a long time)...

...yeah, that is fun.

Monday, 23 December 2013


I've done a lot this year; in fact, it's been perhaps the year in which the most changes have happened in my life since university. It's not really been a "good" year, though. I'm writing this updated FAQ in the hope that 2014 will prove to be a better year, in at least some small ways. The same hope goes for Christmas, really.

On a brighter note, I've now been writing ILB for six years! Anyway, on with my annual tradition of talking about me...

  • I'm Innocent Loverboy (often referred to as simply "ILB" if you're lazy) - not "Innocent Lover Boy"! I have other names, of course, but you don't need to know any of those. My original e-mail address contained the name "Tim". My name's not Tim.
  • For just over a year, I've been in my fourth "official" relationship - my girlfriend, who will be referenced here from time to time, is the writer/journalist Jilly Boyd. Since the age of 4, I've had the same bunch of friends (we met at Woodcraft Folk) - Robinson, Mane, scene girl, a young raver, Hairy Friend, plus a friend-who-is-a-teacher, a friend-who-is-a-midwife and a friend-who-is-a-nurse! They are all referenced as well. I also have other friends named H and 47. On occasion, I'll add a new character to this blog, and I tend to think of a name then and there.
  • I stand for a lot of causes: I'm a pacifist, vegetarian, environmentalist, socialist and am genuinely active in those areas. I'm a paid member of The Green Party, for whom I campaign. I occasionally use this blog to get political, although not very often. My current campaign is against censorship, something I've been against for years, but has come more into prominence in recent years, due to... reasons.
  • I'm a Christian! Yes, really!
  • Oh, and in case you were wondering, everyone here is real. There's no fiction on this blog unless I indicate it's fiction. I don't write a lot of erotic fiction, so you won't find a lot here.

  • This is a sex blog, although if you're one of my parents... well, it's still a sex blog, I suppose. It's always been a sex blog. I'd like to think there's a good mix of sexy, relationshippy, comedy and lifestyle-y posts, but I'd be lying. Still, this is a blog in which I talk about sex (and more often than not my own views on sexuality and sexual topics), so if you're under 18, you probably shouldn't be reading this - although I'm anti-censorship, so if you're mature enough to read this without being offended, go ahead. I'm not going to stop you.
  • This blog (also entitled "Innocent Loverboy" because I'm LAZY) is unlike a lot of blogs, because the majority of them are written by ladies. I'm a boy; I've always referred to myself as a boy (I don't like the phrase "man") and - although there are some other male sex blogs - according to Channel 4, there aren't any. I'm not a typical boy, but then again, I don't think there are any boys that are.
  • Unlike the majority of sex blogs, there isn't a lot of BD/SM in this one. I'm not into B/D, D/S or S/M, nor am I into many sorts of sexual "play" (unless you count "foreplay", which I do like very much). I'm quite vanilla when it comes to sex; this doesn't mean I'm boring, of course, but I don't really like sex which is too kinky. This doesn't mean I'm not interested - I write about sex and I'm fascinated by every aspect - it just means it doesn't work for me.

  • I both live and work in London - I live in North London, and I work in Central London, into which I commute every day. I won't say what my job is here (besides being an occasional sex writer and musician-writer-actor-comedian), but I do have experience in areas such as healthcare, education, arts, animal care and bookselling. If you're interested, by the way, yes - you may have seen me in a film.
  • I live with my girlfriend in a room in a shared house owned by a family from Kenya. It's not ideal (it's small, cramped, unfriendly and there's mould setting in) and, frankly, it's becoming a bit unbearable. I'm on a very low wage and so is she, and we got refused for a lot of flats because we are a couple. If I could have one wish for 2014, it's to move into a new place. My dad (who is an actor too) is going to help us with that.
  • I have a large family, divided into four vague sectors (seven, if you count people having split off and living in other areas). There are four main houses which serve as a hub for branches of family: one that belongs to my aunt, one for my uncle, one for my grandparents and one, SH, where my parents live. That's where I'm typing this from because we're staying at SH over the festive period. I have a lovely cat, Willow. Since the death of my paternal grandparents and not counting boyfriends, girlfriends, my cousin's husband and cats, there are 14 left in my family.

  • I was born in 1985.
  • I started blogging in 2001. The first sentence I typed was, "it's so unfair, sometimes".
  • I started ILB in 2007 with a FAQ, of which this is the seventh iteration. As you may have seen, I update this at least once a week. My aim is to blog every day, but things sometimes get in the way. If you're new, there's a whole back catalogue to read. If you've read everything I've written, you're probably me. If you're bored, there's a blogroll to the right.
  • I've been at my current day job since the beginning of 2013. It took me a long period of unemployment to find the job. It's precarious and low-paid. I don't get holiday pay, sick leave or a pension. I'm under-appreciated and my mum doesn't like me doing it, but I actually quite like my job. It doesn't involve computers very much, which is good, because I use computers for a hobby.

  • I'm using Blogger for this blog because it was the first one I thought of. I used to be on LiveJournal; I suppose I still am, although that's not connected to ILB very much! Most of my blogging friends (and my mother) blog using WordPress and/or are self-hosted, which has become a trend in the sex blogosphere these days. I find Blogger perfectly serviceable for my needs, but if I need to move, I'll do it. I just don't want to right now.
  • I write my blog using a mix of stories from my past, stories from my present, funny things my friends and/or family have said, reflections on aspects of sexuality, current affairs, and explicit descriptions of sex I've had. I occasionally participate in sex memes, plus I have my own meme named "Soft Porn Sunday", which proves two things: one, I love softcore; two, the claim that I have no time is clearly a lie - I have too much time.
  • Less frequent posts, which supplement the bulk of the general mulch I write, include occasional short stories and sex toy reviews. There aren't a lot of sex toy reviews here, unlike a lot of sex blogs. Why? Because I don't get sent much. I've never actually managed to have an orgasm using a sex toy; that doesn't mean I dislike them, as such - they just don't work for me!
  • I spend my free time being geeky, making websites, writing, reading and playing video games. I play a lot of video games. I also masturbate a lot and have sex with my girlfriend. You'll find me on Twitter, on which I am geeky, talk about websites, write, read, report on video games, masturbate and have sex with my girlfriend. Although not over Twitter.* (*I have, actually, had cybersex in the past - quite a lot of it, in fact - but never over Twitter. IRC, I find, works better for this!)

  • I think the above questions kind of answer this! Let me ask you, then: why are you reading ILB? Answers in the comments, if you please!

And that's enough, I think! I'm going to add a new category, though, so you can probably compare tastes!

  • Food: Cheese - although I'm going vegan in January, so won't be able to eat that any more. I'm a vegetarian, but don't really like vegetables very much. I prefer fruit and nuts, beans and pulses. My favourite meal is a Sunday roast (with a vegetarian pie and roast potatoes).
  • Drink: Lemonade - cloudy, clear, or Icy Lemon Fanta, which is my favourite. My favourite juice is orange. I'm teetotal, so I won't list anything alcoholic.
  • Book: Lord Of The Flies by William Golding. My favourite genre is children's fantasy, although I'll read practically anything.
  • Film: My girlfriend's more of a film buff, but if I had to choose, I wouldn't know what to say. I'll go with Spirited Away, since it's a great film in any way you choose, really.
  • Game: Super Mario World. I maintain that this one is unbeatable.
  • Colour: Blue - preferably nice shades of dark blue, like royal, navy or fisherman's. The colour my bedroom was in (before my parents moved house) was called "blue jive". My eyes are also blue!
  • Porn Film: Virgins of Sherwood Forest by Surrender Cinema. As I've said before, I'm not a fan of hardcore, but I do consider soft porn an art form.
  • Word: "Laura", the female name. Not for any specific person; but aesthetically, I like the word. In fact, all my favourite names begin with L - "Louise", "Lucy", "Lara", "Leon" and "Lloyd" are also among my favourites. I like "Sophie", too, but that's an anomaly.
  • Comedian: Stephen Fry - although it's a choice between a lot of different ones. I like British humour the most, and I have a particular taste for comedy on Radio 4.
  • Band: James.
  • Solo Artist: Tom Lehrer. I love musical comedy. It's one of my own hobbies (I do have quite a good musical comedy act!), and I'm friends with rising musical comedian Jay Foreman - although he probably doesn't know I'm ILB! My favourite musical comedians also include Mitch Benn, Flanders & Swann, Frisky & Mannish, Amateur Transplants (Hi, Adam!) and the aforementioned Jay.
  • Instrument: The piano - although I can't play it very well. I, personally, play guitar, violin, drums and both tuned and tuned percussion. I've a particular fondness for the xylophone and I own two glockenspiels. Most of my songs have ended up with a glockenspiel solo, because I'm just that kind of guy!
  • Actor: My dad. Because he's my dad. And he's a good actor! I think so, at least.

Right! Well, that's enough. If I don't blog again before, happy Christmas, if that is at all possible. And have a sexy, messy and uncomfortable new year.

Here's a picture of a question for you to answer.

Tuesday, 17 December 2013


It wasn't the most opportune of moments. We hadn't really had the best of days (we haven't had the best of months, even). Our bedsheets hadn't been changed for a while and I, on my part, haven't been able to shower any more than once every three to four days because our housemate keeps using up all the hot water. Since I started my Christmas holiday a few days ago - I get four weeks off over the festive period, which sounds nice but isn't paid, so isn't really that nice - we've taken to watching things on 4OD in the late hours, so we've ended up deprived of sleep...

...or at least with a slightly skewed body clock: waking up at about 11, complaining until about 1 and then stomping around for a while. Bedtime is whenever we feel like it, which for me is at about 12. She varies. And, yes, maybe it wasn't the best of opportunities. But at one point we had to take it. Maybe, just maybe, last night was that night.

I straddled her, knees nestled firmly on the sheets which were no longer crisp. Her back was in front of me, an empty canvas of skin (and that's the last you'll hear of a laboured 'paint' metaphor, because you can probably see where this is going!) practically begging to be exploited. I like a good back. And I knew what she wanted. She'd set a proviso, anyway. It seemed like the right thing to do in the circumstances.

I closed my right hand around my hard penis and started to stroke my shaft, pulling on my foreskin, building up the rhythm I knew so well. She was lying there before me, still as a statue, her boobs pressed against the bedcovers, the back of her head (and her hair, which is getting longer now) and her shoulders, the tops of her arms, all exposed to me, but I didn't need any of those. We had been engaged in intense teasing for a while now, and this was - shall we say - the end point.

(It ended up being the middle point. But it seemed like the end point at the time).

I continues touching myself, coaxing myself towards an end goal. I hardly made a sound, and neither did she, but when the moment came, I allowed myself a little tremor as I rocked forwards and my warm cum erupted all over her expectant back.

Monday, 16 December 2013

Ping? Pong!

One of the main reasons I like being in a relationship is that I get a lot of good company. The same applies to spending time with friends and talking to people on the internet - and, to an extent, the more pastoral aspects of my job.

Okay, nothing new there. I'm pretty sure that applies to everybody. Well, nearly everybody. I have met some people who don't like talking to other people, but they're mostly wildly antisocial, sociopaths or rugby players.

Again, no change there, really.

Back when I was younger, less seasoned, less grizzled and with no hope in Hell of getting close to anything that resembled a relationship, I had to enjoy company in a different way. I didn't have many friends at university - well, that's a lie; I had a few, but I didn't see them outside of lectures and seminars. There was a rather protracted period in my second and third years where I barely saw anyone not university-related (or, at four points in the year, Woodcraft-related; that was, of course, the exception).

In terms of what I did for social interaction, it was almost entirely based on the Internet - and, to narrow that down a little, mostly focused around IRC, what was then still called MSN (before Windows Live!, even, never mind the Skype takeover) and a community I was part of on LiveJournal. With the decline of LiveJournal, this community fizzled, which was a great shame - I still consider myself a part of it in some ways - and the appeal of IRC, which was still there for years afterwards (and still is now; I use it occasionally!), seemed to wane, particularly towards the end of my first three years at university (remember, gentle readers, that I have been through higher education four times, of course).

I had no ILB back then. I was ILB, but I had no blog, no Twitter, no sexual-name-of-power and none of this current malarkey back in the Ancyent Tyme of 2005. But I could still talk, and I had contacts. People to talk to. One or two, in particular. By which I mean one.

If Glamour Girl ever reads this, she may recall our times spent chatting casually over what was still called MSN in the first few months of 2008. She kept me company, for want of a better phrase, for hours. In a similar manner, at around the time this was happening (or thereabouts), Rebecca put me into contact with someone who she thought I might enjoy talking to. I'm not entirely sure why, exactly, but as most of Rebecca's friends seemed to have liked me while we were still together (some of them still do, actually!), she thought this one would too.

She was right. This girl did like me. I liked her, too.

I know how that sounds. It didn't go that far. It didn't go far at all. But, for some reason - without trying to ascribe this to my natural charm, it was probably my natural charm - she shared a lot with me. A lot, that is, including both her views on and a link to the Paris Hilton sex tape (she really liked it; I got bored after a few minutes and started playing Fire Emblem instead), her unhappy relationship with her boyfriend (and this is a boy I didn't like either, for entirely separate reasons) and her youthful lust for, it seemed, the entire population of western Europe, including the guy who owned the flower shop, the man doing the roadworks opposite her house and some bloke I bumped into in the mess the other day called Bernard.

Or similar. You get the idea.

This girl was very highly sexual. Or so she claimed. It certainly seemed so. Every remedy for maladies ranging from a flu-like illness to severe depression that she suggested amounted to something like "have sex, that will help" *roguish wink smiley*, and every time I attempted to patiently explain that I hadn't had sex for years and probably wasn't going to get any any time soon, she often replied with, "well, if you were here..." *roguish wink smiley*. However you may feel about these suggestions, one does have to admire her joie de vivre.

I was reminded of her the other day when I signed into Skype for one of the few times I've deigned to use that program, and suddenly chanced across her name right at the top of my list (it had two stars enclosing it, both offering an explanation as to why she was at the top and what sort of a person she was). I'd almost forgotten about her. I'd certainly forgotten that her screen-name contained the word "kinky" before I knew exactly what "kinky" meant.

I wonder what happened to her. This was, after all, the first actually flirty friendship I'd ever had with anyone online. She was fun, made me laugh, had a genuinely interesting life, and - above all - kept me company. Particularly in that big house I had all to myself and never seemed to really use.

I sent her an e-mail. I didn't get a response, but the likelihood is that she's abandoned her Hotmail (I still use mine, because I'm hardcore), or just doesn't check any more. Or that she didn't recognise my name and deleted it. Anything is possible. But, you know, just once I'd like to catch up with the people who shaped my younger years (even in any small way), and thank them for keeping me company during my sexual development (amidst all the work I was supposed to have been doing).

Now excuse me while I go and attack-hug my girlfriend.

Wednesday, 11 December 2013


"Interesting Blog you have there."

I blinked, mostly at the fact that he'd capitalised the "B" in "Blog".

"I like to think so," I typed back. "How did you find me?"
"Just followed a link."
"What were you doing looking for sex blogs?!"

"I was looking for erotic fiction, actually."

Gay erotic fiction? I thought to myself. Well, of course, he's gay. Still, there isn't any of that here.

"I saw a photo post, and recognised you."

It kind of gives you a clue how much this guy has seen of me that he recognised me from my chest and a little bit of my chin. But then again, this is the guy I've played strip poker with. In costume. (It was his idea.) This is the guy who, after cosplay strip poker, took four photos of me completely naked (hands hiding anything particularly explicit) so I had something to send to people (I never sent it to anyone).

Although now I'm a sex blogger, naked pictures are everywhere. But back then, my innocence bordered on naïveté, and I certainly thought of what I was doing as risqué. He was, also, my only gay friend for a long time, coming out quite freely when I told him about the issue I was having with BJ. He also cuddled me, once, during sleep. But then apparently he does that to everyone - he took to bringing a teddy with him when we went camping, so he didn't cuddle anyone else. Strange guy, for sure, but ultimately very loveable.

Anyway, the conversation fizzled out after a few more lines of dialogue (although I'm still using Windows Messenger; he's using Skype, there's a bit of difficulty carrying out conversations on those different beasts). But there wasn't much more to be said, really. He found my blog - so what?

And if there's one friend who I could have guessed would find it at one point, it would be... well, 47. But if I had to guess another person, it would be this guy.

See, I'm not even fazed by this any more.

Saturday, 7 December 2013

Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2013

Rori from Between the Sheets has been putting this list together for a good few years now. I've always been a reader and commenter on this list, as it's a good resource, and that. I'm pleased that this year a lot of my best friends have made spots at the top, not to mention one of my very best being awarded the number one.

I may as well repost it here, so, without further ado: your 2013 Top Sex Bloggers list. There were a few broken links and spelling errors, and a few links that I know exist but aren't on the list, so I hope I've fixed those adequately, too...

1. Lady Pandorah from Lady Pandorah’s Sanctuary @ladypandorah
2. Jerome from Let’s Talk About Sex @NotJeromeStuart
3. EA from Easily Aroused @EasilyAroused
4. Anna Sansom from The Lady Garden Project @ladygarden69
5. Violet Blue from Tiny Nibbles @violetblue
6. Dick and Jane from Dick-n-Jane
7. Kara from Kara Sutra Reviews @Kara_Sutra
8. Lauralyn from Big Ugly Pix
9. Remittance Girl from Remittance Girl @remittancegirl
10. Dorothy Black from The Dot Spot @dorothyblack
11. Monocle, Redbud, and Ximena from The Erotic Writer @_Monocle_ and @_Ximena_Writes_
12. Penny from Penny for Your (Dirty) Thoughts @pennysblog
13. Lauren from Queerie Bradshaw @QueerieBradshaw
14. MsQuote from A Good Woman’s Dirty Mind @GoodDirtyWoman
15. littlesubmissions from Little Submissions
16. Blacksilk from Being Blacksilk @BeingBlacksilk
17. Conina from Exploring Surrender
18. SGC from Submissive Guy Comics @SGCposts
19. Shelby Cross from Shelby Cross, Writer @Shelby_Cross
20. N. Likes from My Dissolute Life @nlikes
21. Jayne from Diary Incarnate
22. John from John D. Stories @johndstories
23. Z from Pervertically Virtuous @VirtuousPervert
24. LS&M from Love, Sex & Marriage
25. Bre from Owned, Collared, Loved @Pandasproperty
26. Hyacinth Jones from A Dissolute Life Means… @adissolutelife
27. Santha Smith from Secretly Sensuous @SSensuous
28. Ruby Ryer from Pegging Paradise @Ruby_Ryder
29. Charlie Glickman from Charlie Glickman @charlieglickman
30. Cliff from The Pervocracy @pervocracy
31. Marie Rebelle from Rebel’s Notes @rebelsnotes
32. Renee Rose from Renee Rose Romance @ReneeRoseAuthor
33. Lady Cheeky from Smut for Smarties @LadyCheeky
34. The Sin Doll from The Sin Doll @TheSinDoll
35. Cheeky Minx from Love Hate Sex Cake @LoveHateSexCake
36. Seamus from The Wistful Sinner
37. Athol Kay from Married Man Sex Life
38. Dangerous Lilly from This Could Be Dangerous @dangerouslilly
39. Lucas Brooks from Top To Bottom @Top2Bottom
40. Epiphora from Hey Epiphora @epiphora
41. Peroxide from Submissive in Seattle @Peroxide__
42. Axe from Unspeakable Axe @unspeakableaxe
43. Ferns from Domme Chronicles @Ferns__
44. Girl on the Net from Girl on the Net @girlonthenet
45. Joan Price from Better Than I Ever Expected @joanprice
46. Cammies from Cammies on the Floor @cammiesonfloor
47. Venice and Ryan from Fuck Blogging @fuckblogging
48. Kaya from Under His Hand
49. Desi Dassi from Desi Dassi
50. Jz from A Reluctant Bitch
51. Cara from Cara Sutra @thecarasutra
52. Caitlin M. from Sexational! @sex_ational
53. Maggie Mayhem from Miss Maggie Mahem @msmaggiemayhem
54. Marian from Creative Noodling
55. BD Swain from Leaning How To Tell You @redswain
56. Thumper from Denying Thumber @thumperMN
57. Panty Parade from Off Go The Panties @offgothepanties
58. Jade Melisande from Kink and Poly @piecesofjade
59. Will from Lusty Limerickets
60. Mollena from The Perverted Negress @Mollena
61. Pyx from Syncopation
62. Sadie Quinn from Sadie Quinn @ladybugsadey
63. Chris McC from Stranded in Toronto @stranded_in_to
64. Kayla Lords from A Sexual Being @KaylaLords
65. vulgarvag from Vuldar Vag @vulgarvag
66. Maggie from The Honest Courtesan @Maggie_McNeill
67. Shon Richards from Erotiterrorist @shonrichards
68. nilla from Vanillamom’s Blog @swirlednilla
69. Wordwytch from Adventures of a Word Wytch
70. Anastassia from Diary of an Owned Slave @NatiraDarius
71. Dumb Domme from Dumb Domme @DumbDomme
72. Jill McDevitt from A Day in the Life of a Sexologist @sexologistjill
73. Fatal from You Linger Like a Haunting Refrain
74. lifeofalovergirl from Life of a Lover Girl @lovergirlslife
75. Michael from Malflic @malflic
76. Mrs. Fever from Temperature’s Rising
77. Tori from Pain’s Pleasure
78. rougedmount from rougedmount
79. Heather and Nikki from Vagina Antics @Heather_Cole1 and @Nikki_Blue1
80. Perverse Cowgirl from Hiding in Plain Sight
81. Property of Potter from Property of Potter @pottersproperty
82. Anakin and Padmé from Journey to the Darkside @AnakinDarth and @padmeamidala
83. John Brownstone from Southern Sir’s Place
84. Joe Johnstun from Sexy Little Ideas @joejohnstun
85. Hedone from The Pleasure Principle @pleasure_spot
86. Sangsara from Sexuality Sanctuary @sangsaraB
87. Shadow from Shadowed Seductress @ShadowedS
88. Gemma from Erotic Adventures @swinginggemma
89. TJ from TJ’s Take @tjthemadhatter
90. Scarlett Dubois from A True Unfolding @ATrueUnfolding
91. Adriana Ravenlust from of Sex and Love
92. Ali from Ali’s Addiction @AlisAddiction
93. Jill from Naked All the Time @nakedjill
94. Emma from Dirty Little Whispers @dirtylittlew
95. paltego from Femdom Resource
96. Catherine Toyooka from Sex Spoken Here @Catcoaches
97. bilikesscifi from A Tale of Bi and Bi @bi_and_bi
98. Sarah from Marvelous Darling @marvydarling
99. mysticlez from Mystic’s Mind Fuck @mysticlez218
100. Anyone else

I'm struggling for a way to end this post. I suppose this will have to do.

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Twenty Questions

"Okay, these are things you use in the house."
"Right... do you use them every day?"
"Not every day, but most days."
"Are they useful?"

"Yes, they are very useful. They are one of the most useful things."
"What are they made out of?"
"Plastic. It's not metal or wood or paper, so I'd say plastic."

"What do they look like?"
"They are an unusual shape."
"Uhm... where do you find them?"
"In the bedroom, but they are often in a cupboard, so you can't see them when you walk into the room."

"Do people get them a lot?"
"Yes, lots of people have some, and when you buy them, they come in packs of three."

"No... coathangers!"


Sunday, 1 December 2013

Soft Porn Sunday: C.C. Costigan & Brian Heidik

It occurred to me recently that it's possible to download soft porn without paying for it - even full movies. After all, that's what I did with Emmanuelle in Space. This may not be so much of an ethical pickle as it seems when you consider a lot of these films have both been shown on UK TV before and are unavailable any other way. Such is the case with The Exotic Time Machine, something I downloaded shortly before discovering the overdub is in Italian. Hmmm.

Anyway, this one - The Regina Pierce Affair - interested me for a few reasons. First of all, I haven't seen it before. Second, it's meant to be one of the best ones. The third - and crucial - reason,
Lots of money, but a real dickhead.
however, was that it stars two actors I haven't seen for a while: C.C. Costigan, who I've only seen in one thing before and I can't remember what that is, and Brian Heidik (credited here as Chris Hayden). He's the guy who plays Robin Hood in Virgins of Sherwood Forest (although he's credited there as Dave Roth), and also won "Survivor Thailand". Here, he's the central character and shows that he's actually capable of acting, which kind of helps, actually.

The film is actually a crime film about an art heist à la Trance, although the title tips its hat to The Thomas Crown Affair. The title isn't really important anyway, because it's one of the main characters' names with a suggestive word after it, but I thought it was an interesting point.

Appearance: The Regina Pierce Affair (2001)
Characters: Regina Pierce & Detective Dan

It was difficult for me to pick a scene here, actually, as there are relatively few and they're all both hot
Grand piano!
and distracting in equal measure. Most of the scenes actually feature two relatively minor characters - Andrew (Vince Calladi - no, I don't know either) and Marie (Amber Newman again!) - who bear very little relevance to the plot, apart from their rôle in the dénouement. Used as a framing device here is the idea that multimillionaire heiress Regina Pierce (Costigan) likes to watch, and that she's letting struggling actor Andrew and his girlfriend stay in her massive house on the condition that she can sit and watch them shag. At one point, this is watched itself.

So what I'm actually doing is watching somebody watching somebody watching a couple shagging. Marvellous.

The main characters are Detectives Dan (Heidik/Hayden/Roth) and Julie (Holly Sampson again!), who are trying to solve an art heist case in which Regina Pierce is a prime suspect. Julie, as you'd expect from any character played by Holly Sampson, gets to have sex at least once with her boyfriend Jesus Troy, while Dan watches some absolutely terrible lesbian soft porn at one point. He also has sex twice with Regina, and since the first time this happened I quite liked it, here's the scene!

Okay. So: context. She's a suspect. He's a policeman. Of course they're going to have sex. But they
Okay, who left that banana skin there?
don't actually do so until one hour and four minutes of the film have gone past, and C.C. Costigan is hot, so big respect for Dan's resolve, especially as she does things such as kiss him, call him up wearing nothing except negligée and masturbate to thoughts of him, and tell him that she wants to have sex, although strangely only this last one is what breaks his resolve. In any case, they end up having sex for no reason. He's, essentially, trying to work on the case from the inside... although maybe the inside of her vagina wasn't planned. Whatever.

I have to point out that I really like The Regina Pierce Affair's set pieces. It's all filmed pretty well, was made in Hollywood (yes, really) and Regina's mansion, in which this scene is set, looks believably plush. In their courtship which consists mostly of kissing and disrobing on the way to the bedroom, we get to see hallway, stairs, landing, balcony and lounge before bedroom occurs, and they all seem nice. The bed they eventually fall onto also looks soft and comfortable. In fact, I want to sleep there. Like, now. Right now.

He does this face a lot.
This is a really long scene - by far one of the longest I've seen - and the first six minutes - SIX! - don't contain any real sex. There's a bit of oral sex around the 6:11 mark, and this continues for at least another minute and a half before we finally mix to some sex. Yes, I do find this a little boring in parts, but there's something fairly entertaining about all this. It must be difficult to simulate oral sex, and yet the faces made by both Heidik and Costigan respectively are pretty convincing. And they do both have lovely smiles.

The sex is good, too: we get Regina riding Dan in the astride position, and it's quite smooth, confident riding - not too hard, not too soft - with a lovely smile again. This mixes, after a while to Dan kneeling from behind and supporting her during sex (another soft porn staple and not easy to keep balance), with a very good decision made: close-up. On their faces, which cuts out her boobs and his chest (both of which are finely shaped), but it shows their facial acting skills. And she's very pretty.

This then changes to doggie style, which I knew was coming at some point, so it's almost gratifying to see it happening - and I particularly like the bit when Regina flips her hair back and it hits Dan in the face! Nicely done, movie! In fact, this is the best bit of the sex; they appear to be laughing, rather than moaning. It's light, bright, happy, frisky sex, as opposed to the dark, broody stuff in the rest of the film so far, and there's no implied orgasm shot, either. We mix to an after-sex kissing session, clothes on the floor, before the scene ends - allowing a little space for the audience to imagine what we didn't see happening. Again, nicely done.

For a scene which contains less sex than disrobing, there's quite a lot to notice. Costigan keeps
I swear that picture's from IKEA.
certain items of clothing on (a gold necklace and her shows) all the way through, even during sex, underlining the idea that Regina is spoiled and rich, and can afford these things.
Heidik is always good value, and he actually gets to act in this film, which helps - this is one of his best sex scenes, too, and you can almost pinpoint the bit where Dan "forgets" about his professional values. It's a slow start, granted, but it's quite a fun scene, and it turns out to be pivotal to the plot (the other scenes aren't).

However, one thing I'm totally unsure about: the music. It's ludicrous. Most of the sex scenes in this film are, and I don't know whose idea this was but it doesn't work, overlaid with actual songs with lyrics. A quick Google search reveals nothing, so I'm assuming they are original songs. In this scene, we get a solo played on a telephone keypad (Jay Foreman's already done that!) and a male voice doing a voice which is unmistakably a dog panting. Yes, really. It's offputting, frankly, and that doesn't help. But, having said that... this is an incredibly infectious song.

Don't understand? Neither do I. Really don't understand. The singer isn't even credited and it's actually not that good a song. In any way possible. It's not very good and IT'S IN MY HEAD! AND IT WON'T LEEEEEEAVE! Don't believe me? Fine. I've actually taken a recording and put it up here for you to listen to yourself. All ten minutes of it. And now tell me it's not in your head too.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a music career to market.