Sunday, 6 October 2013

Soft Porn Sunday: Shannan Leigh & Micah Bradshaw

Shannan Leigh has this thing... I'm not quite sure if it happens in every scene she does. Probably not. I don't really care, anyway. It happens in VOSF and in this one, and that's what I'm reviewing. Needless to say, it's the same thing. She plays two characters. One is the one who has sex, and the other one wears glasses.

RAAAAAARRRRRR!
Hooray, segregation. Some genius in the Surrender studio came up with the idea that if you wear glasses you are automatically a different character, and therefore totally unidentifiable to the entire audience: probably the same people who recoil in shock when Clark Kent takes off his glasses halfway through Superman.

The same genius probably came up with the plot for this film, too. Because it's... well... weak.

Appearance: Platinum Blonde (2001)
Characters: Stella Crenshaw & Jake... erm... Jake. Doesn't appear to have a second name.

I'd better explain (No! Really?) that Platinum Blonde doesn't really have much of a plot. It's a wraparound encasing a few little vignettes of steadily declining quality. Holly Sampson plays Angela, "a Cupid" - thanks for destroying the entirety of Greco-Roman mythology, Surrender - whose job it is to watch other people getting romantic and having the sex, and according to her, occasionally getting involved, which is their excuse to shoehorn a sex scene with Holly Sampson in somewhere.

Which isn't what I'm going to review. I just thought it was interesting to mention, and also expound upon my theory that this film is a series of Surrender off-cuts that didn't quite get made into real films, with the idea that naked Holly Sampson is reason enough to watch it.

Which, of course, it is, so no complaints there.

There's a plant growing out of your back, dude.
Anyway, this scene takes place on a snooker table. Kindly excuse me while I go and press the snooze button on the cliché alarm. Although I'd imagine it's difficult to film sex on a snooker table due to the angle and the fact that they appear to be incredibly flimsy. Anyway, it's happened enough times in soft porn, so I suppose somebody must think it's a great idea. The scene stars Stella Crenshaw (Leigh) and Jake-couldn't-afford-a-last-name, played by Micah Bradshaw, who I often get confused with Jason Schnuit. They tend to star in the same stuff and they're both generic man actors, so that kind of works. Jake doesn't have a personality, so that fits nicely, as well. It also doesn't matter why they're having sex. It's probably not even explained. It just happens. Works for me.

Right, so Stella Crenshaw lays back on the table with Jake Doesn't-matter-had-sex approaching her from above. They're both wearing rejected outfits from The Matrix and spend a while taking them off while kissing enthusiastically, but only after a hilarious joke which involves Stella accidentally lying on some balls, and then laughing, "your balls!".

Give me a second.

No, wait. I haven't finished holding my sides from how funny that joke is.

Comedy gold from start to finish.

...

Okay, now I'm in an oxygen tent, I can continue the review. So, after that quip that would put Russell
Hide your face, Shannan. They won't know it's you.
Howard, Eddie Izzard and David Mitchell all to shame, a rock soundtrack starts up and disrobing ensues, watched completely indiscreetly by two characters who aren't bothering to hide: Angela, and another character who they didn't even bother to name, Miscellaneous Character 216 (Leigh again). "Oh my God!" ejaculates MC 216, adding to the scintillating dialogue that peppers this scene. Sampson doesn't appear to have any dialogue, but that's okay: I wouldn't know what to say to someone watching themselves having sex either.


Stella has some sort of seizure on the table, giving Nameless Jake time to take his jacket off. The rest of the taking-clothes-off bit is really quite routine (there's only so many ways you can get naked,
"Help! I can't breathe!"
really, but it's usually prettier than this), until J__e puts his head between Stella's boobs. I'm pretty sure that's unscripted; Bradshaw probably doesn't want to be seen or something. There's a lot more pointless touching bullshit for an inordinately long time that manages not to be sexy, and even the incredibly brief cunnilingus doesn't work on account of the fact that Stella's still wearing pants at this point, so unless J*** has a fabric fetish, that makes no sense. Of course, every now and again they cut back to MC 216, for no reason whatsoever. Fills up time, I guess.


Whatever. 01:28 in and we finally get some sex, with Stella sitting on top of Mr. ______, handily indicating the fire escape in case things get too steamy as she does so. After a while, she finally takes her pants off and we get a few seconds of laughter from MC 216 cut with something close to doggy style sex, something which - to Shannan Leigh's credit - she appears to be quite good at, because she can work a facial expression well enough and rocks back and forth to make it sort of credible. Don't know too much about Bradshaw - he seems to be enjoying it a little too much. Anyway, I like this bit, so obviously it goes by too quickly and then we get some more goddamn kissing in the same position with which they started. What, have they only got the one camera setup or something?

Missionary sex now, with some head-and-shoulder shots, cleverly angled to remind everyone that this
Fire! Everybody out! Even you, Jake... Thingy!
is on a snooker table, so that's totally subversive. I usually like missionary sex in soft porn, but this is only okay, really - I mean, it kind of works, and Stella still has her shoes on, a nice touch. But it may benefit more from some different body shots rather than bouncing heads and one final shot - meant to be an orgasm but you can't really tell - with Stella trying to do the YMCA with her legs.


And that's it.

It's not bad. It's not bad at all, really. It's just not good either. There's a lot of promise in this one, and both actors here are usually entertaining to watch (they have their own scene together in VOSF, in which he plays another misnamed character from legend). It's just got a lot of flaws. It's too short, the angles are a bit skewed, and they're not really using the setup to its full potential. MC 216's presence is capitalised upon a little too much, the person who seems to be having the most fun is the guitarist on the soundtrack, and even the décor on the walls is a little too bland. There's a snooker club near where I live, and it has scoreboards and posters and... well, stuff you need to play snooker.

You know what? Now I look closer, I've got it all wrong. 

I think this is billiards.

1 comment:

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