Here's the review.
|Looks a bit like a vagina, on reflection.|
Admittedly, I fail to see how that works at all, due to its size and shape, unless both of you are very flexible. But I digress.
|Keep Calm and Review This Product|
I tried masturbating with this about three times. The design of the PULSE allows for a flaccid penis to be put inside first and then stimulated through vibrations until it's erect, which I did first off. It's made of silicone (black, again) with a curved, ergonomic design, which I will admit is clever, because the penis fits nicely inside it, and it doesn't slip out easily, even when flaccid. I was also pleasantly surprised to find that I initially enjoyed the vibrating sensation emanating from the spot where it... well, emanates from, I suppose. A few dirty thoughts and I was erect, which boded well for the rest.
And here, it ended.
It passed the first test, sure. I had my erect penis inside it and it was working perfectly well. Controls on the side of the thing allow you to cycle through five intensities of vibration, although all of them are quite strong. The intention, clearly, is to allow you to have a hands-free orgasm either solo or with your partner. But it's not a masturbation toy - that is to say, you can't grab it and move it up and down, even with lube - it stays in place. I could stimulate the tip of my foreskin with my index finger, but couldn't get to my shaft, which I suppose was fine. Hands-free orgasm it is, then.
|Fifty Shades of Black|
The first is the sound. While vibrating, it makes an annoying buzzy sound a but like someone's trying to strangle a Stylophone. While not as loud as some other toys I've seen and used, it's still very audible, especially if you're using this in silence, as I was. In fact, the further you turn up the revs, the louder it gets. Even discounting the "will the neighbours hear?" factor, it's very distracting indeed, and difficult to ignore if you're trying to construct a fantasy in your head, as I was.
It also doesn't really do the hands-free thing it promises. If I didn't use my hand to steady it (realistically, both hands; it needs both thumbs to keep it balanced properly), it just flopped down at a weird angle, which was uncomfortable, especially with a hard penis. Whether sitting up or lying down, I was incredibly aware that most of my concentration was going on keeping it upright, because although it's comfortable inside the thing, if it's not in the right position, whatever's outside won't be!
Something else I noticed may or may not be unique to me. The PULSE is meant to be one size fits all, but it didn't quite fit my full erection at all times. I don't know if my penis is too big, or the wrong shape, or whatever (although I doubt it is either!), but the head was too far out of the other end of the PULSE (wherever I positioned it), and all the vibrations from the centralised "hot spot" here focused on the middle of my shaft as a result. It wasn't unpleasant, but bits of my penis weren't getting enough stimulation to make it a massively pleasurable sensation all over. If I pressed my penis down at a specific point (causing a worrying grinding sound), I could actually feel it growing, probably caused by a combination of the vibrating and the pressure from my thumb, but left to its own devices and the PULSE just let me down. I could feel myself going soft without any hope of climaxing. Very disappointing.
|View from the top - or TIE pilot's helmet.|
And the one final thing which I really don't like: how my penis felt afterwards. Left desperate for a release after spending far too long trying to orgasm with the PULSE, I decided to bring myself off using my favourite sex toy: my hand. As soon as I grasped the shaft of my penis, I could tell something was different. It was warmer than usual - much warmer. It was also much, much less sensitive than it usually is (and mine isn't very sensitive to begin with), and it took me a while to orgasm with something little more than a warm lump of flesh. It was an almost frictionless wank, and although I did eventually orgasm from it, I could hardly feel the orgasm itself - notably, the pleasurable pulsations while actually ejaculating were barely noticeable. Also very disappointing, especially since I wasn't wearing the thing at the time!
So, yeah. Another sex toy that failed to make me orgasm, and a big disappointment, considering the hype and the thought that's gone into this one. If I'm actually going flaccid while using a toy, rather than getting ready for the promised "most intense orgasm you have ever experienced", then it's clearly not working. And I tried. I really did. I tried it lying down, sitting up, kneeling. I tried it while flaccid and while erect. I even tried visual stimuli and physical stuff too, like touching my nipples or cupping my balls. It just didn't work. I was barely even close.
Would I recommend the PULSE? No. I'd recommend it, perhaps, for something to use as a prelude to sexual activity - because it elicits an erection well enough. I suppose, if you need an erection, this would be a useful toy to have on hand. But I don't imagine many people would need to do that if they can get the right stimulus with another toy (or, indeed, their hand) or just by having sexy thoughts, which is what happens to me!
Not unexpected, really, considering my usual experience with sex toys, but still disappointing, nevertheless.
And I really wanted that orgasm, too...
PULSE (with PulsePlate technology), kindly provided by Hot Octopuss. Available soon from stockists worldwide.