Sunday, 8 September 2013

And don't call me Shirley

A lot of people misconstrue some amount of what I say. Much of what I say is intended to be humorous, but because of my deadpan nature and presumed intellect, sometimes the way I say things seems serious, and if I'm going to avoid putting a tongue smiley after every post, then it's best to assume I'm not being deadly serious unless the tone suggests so.

The above paragraph is serious, by the way.

My sister put it nicely when she got a LiveJournal and wrote something along the lines of, "he sometimes say things he dont meen" (she was very young at this point!), to which I responded with, "the word you're looking for is 'sarcasm'." My grandmother, in whose house I'm sitting right now, often tells me not to be sarcastic. I usually thank her enthusiastically for this incredibly valuable piece of life-saving advice which I'm sure is going to be the solution to all my troubles.

In any case, sometimes when I'm serious, I say it as if I'm being humorous. You know, just to keep the conversation interesting.

Like yesterday afternoon. I was bored... and horny. I had come back from a local horticultural exhibition (yes, I am that cool) in which I had entered a Victoria sponge cake (yes, I am that cool) in order to win a prize of £1.50 (yes, I am that cool) with the unexpected addition of two types of chocolate chip, thus invalidating my entry but in turn gaining free access to the show (yes, I am that cool!) My girlfriend, to her credit, had spent her time tidying up the front room due to the fact we had my friends coming over later on (in fact, if my friend-who-is-a-midwife hadn't mentioned it earlier on, I may have forgotten about it!). But we had a few hours to kill.

"Do you want to have sex?" I said. She turned to look at me, quizzically.
"Why, do you want to?"
"Yes... do you want to?"
"..."
"..."
"...yes?"

An hour and a half later and I felt my hard penis pulsate frantically, letting out an almost bestial moan as I came inside her. A few more thrusts for the hell of it, a pause to savour the feeling, and I pulled myself out of her, experiencing for the last time the sensation of her inner walls clinging to the shape of my cock, dulled slightly by the condom (which I then removed, tied in a knot and discarded). I lay down next to her and held her while she had more orgasms in my arms. And then I grinned at her.

You see, I did want to have sex. I was being serious at that point. But I'm definitely allowed to grin...

...because, when it comes down to it, you can't take sex that seriously. Sex is fun!

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