Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Only in Blackpool.

Wipe off.
This is the sort of thing that I'm pretty sure you'd only ever see in the veritable smorgasbord of cheese and garishness that is the Town, Borough and Unitary Authority of Blackpool, Lancashire.

Not that the condom machines in our hotel's toilet weren't particularly interesting anyway. They were full of inflatable sheep (for the lulz) and "novelty!" condoms ("not for barrier use!"). But this one, this one... well, this interested me.

According to the machine from which they come, these wet wipes are infused with human pheromones - scientifically proven to increase sexual attraction. As the hotel we were staying in, chosen by KW in order to minimise our costs (Blackpool, for some reason, is popular at this time of year), is apparently full to the brim with stag and hen parties throughout the summer (a fact confirmed during hotel breakfast on the second day, where we could barely hear our Rice Krispies for the amount of noise they were making), it kind of makes sense they'd be selling something to increase sexual attraction. Even if it's not guaranteed to work.

Because that's what stag and hen parties do, apparently. Which is why I never want one.


I stood and stared at this machine for ages. Surely it couldn't work? Pheromones are generated by endorphins, which in turn are generated by happiness, excitement, sex and chocolate, right? Could you just extract pheromones somehow and inject them into a wet wipe? Would that even work? Or were they just Johnson's baby wipes in a fancy condom machine which wasn't even that fancy? My mind reeled. In the end, I decided I had to review them.

At which point the machine decided to stop accepting coins.

So... no review. Mind you, I've no idea how I'd have reviewed them anyway. It's not like people start throwing themselves at you at random, even in Blackpool, the place where two girls wearing basically nothing thought I was really smart for knowing the word "glowstick". And I'm not single either, so maybe not the target audience.

I wonder why the machine wasn't working, though. Had they, perchance, sold out? Well, forgive me for suggesting otherwise... but KW was getting a bit of attention throughout the weekend...


Sati said...

I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but oh well. I do actually have a perfume like this. It contains pheromones, or brings out your pheromones, or something - I bought it at an Ann Summers party and wasn't really listening to the rep. And it works. It works well enough that my fifty-pounds-overweight self (at the time of buying) started to get asked out literally by strangers on the street an average of twice a day. (I am excluding the day I went alone to Camden Market, as that day drives up the averages considerably. People in Camden are lunatics.) It still works enough that my 130-lbs-overweight self (current) continues to get asked out by strangers on the street (train station / gym / Ikea etc) although this has dwindled to about twice a week, not that I go out much more than that. And not the sort of "Hey baby, nice rack, wanna go out with me?" catcalls - genuine interest. (After 29 years circling this earth, I have FINALLY learned to discern the difference between teasing and real interest. Gah.)

Placebo effect? Maybe. For sure I walk with more confidence now than when I was younger, and maybe some of that confidence can be attributed to the previous record of getting attention. And we all know (or at least are told) that confidence is sexy. Maybe as I've aged I've developed into a ravishing beauty - ahem, I mean, become somewhat ok-looking - and the men in my town are big enough horndogs to want to date / shag anyone that doesn't break the mirror. Maybe I look like everyone's mom. Who the heck knows?

Oddly enough, I still get asked out on days when I'm not wearing the perfume. I'm pretty convinced that it has something to do with it, though, since the chances of getting given phone numbers on days when I'm wearing it increase exponentially.

So no clue about your wipe-on sex appeal, but I think there's a possibility it could work.

When Gerry used pheromones to attract a girl in Boston Legal, he got sued - it was decided that forcing someone to inhale chemical pheromones in order to make them horny was akin to using rohypnol or something. Hopefully English sensibilities would be more, uh, sensible about such things.

Innocent Loverboy said...

With a perfume bought at Ann Summers, I can totally understand something working... or, as you say, perhaps bringing out the placebo effect. I've never been asked out, not have I successfully asked anyone out, so that's not something of particular familiarity for me, but I have it on good authority that believing yourself to be confident is attractive. Or something.

Which is a massive slap in the face for someone like me who doesn't really know what confidence is, but I see your point in it working. Compared to a joke product bought from a vending machine in a budget hotel in Blackpool, however, I can see anything working more effectively. Plus, yours was marketed for women. I don't think, from the fact that this was in a condom machine, mine would have been at all.

Mind you, I'm still pretty annoyed that I didn't get to review it. It would have been fun... just to see!