Monday, 29 July 2013

Stand aside, Peter.

I once answered a question on eroticy.com (whatever it passes for now is, I promise you, not what it used to be) in order to enhance my "sexpert rating". Yes, I too am cringing. Deal with it, jarhead.

The question was this: "If a man ejaculates more than once a day, does the amount of semen produced decrease each time?"

I reflected, clicked "yes" after a while, and was rewarded with the simply hilarious message: "Correct! Unless your name is Peter North!" I was fully expecting a "LOL!!!!!!!" after such a demonstration of wondrous wit and ready repartee.

One may be wondering why the question wasn't "can a man ejaculate more than once a day?". Of course he can. Everyone's favourite young raver does it twice, after all. I've done it twice in rapid succession: once during one sex scene and one during the next sex scene (although that hurt like having my skin peeled off and going rolling around in salt). I even used to do it twice when I played in a brass band - once before rehearsal and once after rehearsal - often to the same soft porn scene merely on account of the fact that I had Virgins of Sherwood Forest in my DVD drive and was too lazy to change the disk.

I loved living in a whole house on my own.

Why am I telling you all this? Well, I didn't intend to go down this tangent at all (you may be able to tell). What I wanted to tell you was that I ejaculated three times within the space of an hour or so the other day. Once inside my girlfriend, once beside her, and once for the hell of it while she was asleep.

Okay, this isn't really a massive feat of hulking Herculean masculinity. It's more a sign that I need to start having more sex because I appear to have started building it up over time. But, joy of joys, in this case - and this is the first time - it didn't hurt the third time.

I mean, it's not meant to hurt at all. But it does. I usually come twice during sex - once in, once on or beside - and that's never been a problem (especially inside the vagina, where it's warm and wet and lovely and please excuse me I need to go and do something okay that's better back now), but I know how I feel as regards long masturbation sessions, and especially after each subsequent orgasm it stings a little more, until eventually it starts to hurt. Mind you, being ready to orgasm and then denying it hurts even more, so swings and roundabouts, really.

It's not that I've never come three times in the same day before. I'm sure there's been a 24-hour period in which I've had sex more times than that (and if I think of one, I'll let you know). But these were all within the same hour. Three very separate, very different orgasms, all equal in magnitude and the amount of semen that ended up in various places at various times.

What can I say?

I AM A RAGING VOLCANO!

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