Ladies and gentlemen, medical practitioners, friends and enemies... villagers, hearken to me! What could it possibly be? The story of the year? Nay, the discovery of the century is upon us! I make this announcement to you, so that you may benefit from its wondrous glory and remarkable splendour!
I have discovered a cure for hiccups.
This was last night, and I am still trembling with excitement. I was afflicted by the little devils (yes, I do know that technically it's synchronous diaphragmatic flutter, but I'm going to stick with "little devils") for most of the afternoon, continuing into the evening - during episodes of cake consumption and watching webseries - and, finally, past midnight, where I realised that something had to be done.
And, me being me, I had no idea whatsoever what to do, so I sat and masturbated to orgasm... and, when I had finished, the hiccups had gone.
I was practically delirious with delight (well, I think it was delight, it's difficult to tell immediately following orgasm). The pain in my chest was gone, as was the constant and irritating froglike noise accompanied by a violent shaking of my body (and, by extension, my bed, making it seem more like I was attempting to sleep on a bouncy castle... which is not as fun as it sounds). And all I'd done was have a wank.
I know what you're thinking, teams. You're thinking that it's all psychosomatic, and that as soon as hiccups weren't on my mind any more (although what was on my mind was far more entertaining), my body stopped having them. But let me tell you this: why would I be aware that the hiccups were gone were I not aware of them in the first place? It's watertight, people.
I masturbated the hiccups out of me and it worked perfectly. I must be a genius after all.
I claim my prize.