Sometimes it feels as if my brain is going to explode.
I don't know whether there's too much going on or not enough. I make progress in one direction and then it's halted or reversed. Or I get cold feet or second-guess myself. Or everyone else except myself. I'm not even often too sure how I feel, or how I think I feel, and certainly not how I'm supposed to feel.
Everything's so transient. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff waiting for erosion to take its course. I glance around at everything and everyone I used to know and everything seems to have changed too much for one person to handle - even an ILB. The people I used to see I barely see any more. The places I used to go don't seem to exist. Everything I used to do, I no longer seem to do.
I hardly ever play my guitar.
I hardly ever use my Wii.
I hardly ever read books.
I hardly ever do any exercise.
I hardly ever get out of here and go to town...
...and when I do, it all seems to either go wrong or stop me in my tracks. I get flustered - I show my vulnerability. I am unsure. I am nervous. And my energy goes very quickly. I used to suffer from the occasional lapse in concentration, but then burst into flame when charged up. I should still be doing that. I've got a job, I've got a social life, I've got a girlfriend. I should be moving forward.
The problem is, with everything going on at the moment, my overwhelming feeling is that I don't want a change. I really, really don't. My body appears to be fighting against it. "Slow down," it says, "you're moving too fast." I try to chide it for inserting a pointless Simon and Garfunkel quote into my daily life... but can's quite get there.
"I'm a cat," says Willow.
I just want to turn back time. Back to just before Christmas. Feeling harmonious at times and okay at all the others. When I could sit on the sofa with Jilly and watch Red Dwarf if I wanted to. When I could step out of the door to my bedroom without feeling like I have five million things to do. When everything seemed OK and looking forward wasn't a terrifying prospect.
Because it is. It is terrifying.
And something has got to stop.
I just have no idea what.