Sunday, 30 December 2012

Sexual Moments of 2012: as told by LLB via ILB

Written in response and with rather severe thanks to Girl on the Net, as it was indeed her idea. Or at least she did it first. The basis of the challenge? Ask your significant other (and/or sex partner) about significant moments in your sex life throughout 2012, and you have a retrospective. Or something close to.

This is evidently difficult for me since I was, during the February to October period, in a relationship during which I wasn't having much sex (or any at all, at some points), and then I was single for a couple of weeks from September to October, so although I am in a position to ask the question to my girlfriend now, it won't be a rip-roaring helter-skelter through the wonder that was 2012.

So, girlfriend... what were the most memorable sex moments of the LAST THREE MONTHS?

1. Insence and lanterns!
No, before you ask, we haven't turned Wiccan. This was something that happened during the weeks wherein we were watching the sex documentaries on More4. Somewhere along the line, my brain and/or penis thought it would be amusing to light some incense (as I was given some last Christmas) and turn all the lights off, using my IKEA lantern to project stars onto the ceiling.
This masterstroke of genius hit a few snags when I realised that I didn't know how to extinguish an incense leaf once it's started burning, and the small tea-light inside my lantern decided to flicker and die after a while, so we essentially had a smoky room with no light - and the same effect could probably be conjured up by going to your local pub of an evening, which isn't the ideal place to have sex. Unless you're that way inclined.
It's better than it sounds, although making love under the effect of incense is quite heady. It was still good sex. (NB: I probably should have mentioned we had sex earlier in the previous paragraph, just in case you were under the impression dim light and aromas were necessary to enjoy More4. Although there's probably some truth in that, too.) And thankfully the resulting ash didn't cover my entire desk.

2. Epiphany in Willesden!
This was a short but sweet moment when we were taking advantage of the brief time spent in her shared bedroom in Willesden Green when we were about 72% sure her room-mates weren't going to walk in and find us having sex. We weren't exactly a couple at the time - it was about two weeks after I broke up with Catherine and I wasn't sure I was ready for another relationship - but I was certainly ready for more sex, and about halfway through one of our furtive, please-God-don't-let-anyone-hear lovemaking sessions, I stopped moving for about ten seconds, and then ejaculated something along the lines of, "are we falling in love?"
I didn't get a concrete answer, but we went on a date immediately afterwards, although I took the time to tell Rhye everything first. As much as the length of a Twitter DM can constitute everything. It went something like, "OMG!!!*!**! JILLY SEKS WTF?!?!?!? LOL BBQ!!!!!11", or just as equally erudite.
("I always love a good sex barbecue," she says. I worry about her sometimes.)

3. Hotel Meridiana!
This sounds like the title of a new docu-drama based on something Imogen Edwards-Jones wrote, but it's actually a genuine hotel in King's Cross, which I checked into because it was cheap. And by "cheap," I mean "not too expensive." By "checked into," I mean "found and got the last room", and by "genuine" I mean "didn't fall down". But it had a bed, which served our needs, and a TV, the best aspect of which being an off switch.
This was an attempt to escape anyone else (read: relatives of me) getting "involved", by way of being in earshot, although a similar thing happened in the middle of the night more recently. We were making our way back from an Erotic Meet, decided we didn't want to bother going as far as North London, found another cheap hotel and shagged like particularly energetic people who are shagging. I don't remember the name of this other hotel, but that doesn't matter. Let's call it "Sodom and Gomorrah" - it may as well have been.

4. DVD Spankings!
Call me a prude if you wish, but if you're on a comedown from having sex for about 40 minutes or so, among the things most likely to snap you out of your reverie is the sound of a spank and a light "oh!" coming from the direction of your parents' bedroom. Although the subsequent discovery that it was a lesbian porn DVD you had carelessly left on was something of a relief, the "on-edge" feeling - also known as "Jesus Christ!" - still hasn't quite gone away yet.
And this was a few weeks ago.

5. ILB 2.0
You say you wanna evolution? Well, according to her, this was the stand-out moment of the year. I'd be inclined to agree if I could remember all of it. I remember it being bloody good, that's for sure.


So there you have it - our sexual (mis)adventures mapped out in retrospective blog post form. As lovingly remembered by her and hilariously transcribed by me... although, to be honest, your journey may not have been necessary, since you could scroll back through the blog archives and read all of this first time around. But you chose to read this! Huzzah!

Join us tomorrow for more thrills and spills, such as New Year's resolutions, pretty sparkly dresses, and things that don't quite make sense any more.

As if they already did.


girlonthenet said...

This is amazing - thank you for joining in. I giggled like a twat when reading it - excellent work.

Innocent Loverboy said...

Giggling like a twat is the bedrock of our society. Thanks for the inspiration, girl!

Anonymous said...

I am too old to understand what your DM meant but her answer was, so far, the funniest thing today.

"I always love a good sex barbecue,"

Innocent Loverboy said...

It's actually Jilly that gave me the "sex barbecue" comment... but Rhye's response was about as enthusiastic.