Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Sound of the UnderGround

I fought long and hard to get the Internet in my room when I was 16. I had a computer - quite a good one, considering I got it for free (although a few years ago it died. I had to install BeOS to get it to run properly!) - but I wasn't really using it for anything except Final Fantasy VII. If I wanted to do anything online, including updating websites, it had to be on the family computer, which was in the lounge. Much of what I've done of any consequence, including starting my first blog, was actually done in the dark corner of my old room where my trusty desktop computer was - after my dad ran an extension lead to which I connected an Ethernet cable.

My mother agreed that I could have the Internet in my room on the provision that I didn't download porn, which she knew I wouldn't do because "you're not like that" - which was true, to a certain degree. I downloaded a lot of erotica, but there was very little porn on my HD (although it'd be hard to tell what was and what wasn't, as there was enough skin in various folders!) Downloading services, like KaZaA (although I used the lite version), were full of stuff for me to watch, and I did, at certain points, delve into the world of hardcore, just because I liked the sound of the file.

Which leads me to think about that time I stayed up a whole night downloading one file.

In my defence, I knew it was a stupid thing to do. It was a school night, but I never sleep particularly well and being 17 made no difference to this fact. I put "car sex" into KaZaA and saw what came up, and one file caught my eye, mostly because it had the tag-line "the BEST SEX SCENE on the NET". Sounds good, I reasoned, let's have a look.

What really intrigued me was the fact that it had a storyline. I started the download and then read the description in more detail. "An UnderGround Video video," it stuttered. "Hot girl taking her driving test fails, so she fucks her instructor to get a pass." Okay, cliché... but still, there's a back story there; that was more my sort of thing. The file size was big - huge, infact - but I reasoned that it was a big file because it would go into detail about the back story, and then have this hot girl seducing the poor hapless driving instructor. But I knew it was going to take a while to download... so I waited.

The minutes snailed by, which eventually turned into hours. As it turned out, the file was a huge size because it had two idents, both for the fictitious company "UnderGround Video", before a title card with shots from the video, and then the video itself, which was in incredibly high resolution. I had a glance at the opening shots from the video a few times through the night (in between sitting on my bed and counting the seconds), and finally, at 5:30am, it completed downloading.

Of course, I was then going to watch it. Plugging headphones in, I turned the sound up a bit and then sat through the entire scene. Yes, the girl was hot. Yes, it developed some form of storyline before the sex. But that was about it. It was poorly made, the acting was poor, the driving instructor was a hideous perv with a stupid collection of facial hair, and - worst of all - he initiated the sex, through nothing more than getting his cock out and waving it at her. There wasn't any powerful female seduction, and that was (to my mind) what had been promised by the file description.

And, you know, there was a lot of sex, but I found that incredibly boring.

By the time 6am rolled around, I was disappointed - not only with the file I'd wasted time downloading, but also with myself, for breaking my boundaries and downloading hardcore. And mostly with UnderGround Video, for concocting this promising scenario and spoiling it with stupidly overdone sex and a dejecting boy-initiated setup. Of course, I reasoned to myself, I'm watching it after staying up a whole night downloading the thing; I'll watch it again tomorrow and see if it does anything different for me.

I never opened the file again... and I got a lot of sleep the following night.


Cheeky Minx said...

I can't imagine why his cock waving didn't ring true. It's so... nuanced and subtle. (Oh, the dull disappointment that follows badly made porn.)

Great piece...

Innocent Loverboy said...

Seriously, he looked like an overexcited flag dancer. He was saying something about a gearstick too, but I was just far too zoned out to notice exactly what.