Tuesday, 13 November 2012


I have, once, masturbated to Babestation. I'm not exactly proud of it - but I was bored. I was lonely. I was horny. And there was nothing else on that was even remotely sexy. Not that I find Babestation sexy, but it happened to be playing while I was wanking. Look, shut up, I'll try and explain.

This was a while ago (2005, if I remember correctly!). I was staying at my gay aunts' house in Lancashire for a night, and I was still up at midnight, having almost completed Alex Kidd in Miracle World after about 492134601 tries (but I've still never beaten that bloody game!); I ended up in their lounge, channel-hopping. They'd just had a Sky TV box installed, and while this included L!VE TV, the channel at this point mostly consisted of repeats of Threesome, a softcore series with very little sex in it, while Babestation consisted of moderately attractive naked girls giving pithy responses to very desperate men texting in. Their texts appeared on the screen and the girls (who, I recall, included McKenzie Lee) would do what they asked - unless they didn't want to. It was the repetitive nature of the texts and the fact that the girls weren't really into it that made me laugh...

Anyway, long story short, at 1am I realised that this wasn't arousing me (although affected me, maybe: a man 'phoning up to sing a song of his own composition to McKenzie... that'll stay with you), so I retreated into my head, masturbated to orgasm, went up to the attic, got into the squashiest bed ever devised by mankind, and had a conversation with my shoulder angel about the girl I had a crush on... sorry, I mean "went to sleep".

I got my TV working the other day. It's not really been in commission for much recently. I don't watch a lot of TV, and although the set at the end of my bed works, it works intermittently. The built-in VCR doesn't work; I don't have a responsive DVD player (well, I have one but there's no remote) and there aren't any analogue signals any more, so merely plugging an aerial in doesn't elicit any response. Last week I plugged my SNES in and attempted to teach Jilly how to play Super Mario Bros. 3, but on this Sunday gone I suddenly decided I wanted to use it as a TV again.

Three hours later and I managed to finally get the damn thing working with the third digibox I found under my bed, a remote control that appears to match it, an aerial I didn't even know I possessed, and a random SCART cable. Oh, and the RF lead from my SNES. The picture's not perfect, and on some channels, like (annoyingly) Dave, I get a still picture and no sound, but at least it's better than static. And some channels work perfectly...

Babestation appears to have changed. It's no longer men texting in, it's now them 'phoning in to speak to the girl(s), who will do what they ask (if they want), while the viewer gets to see them rubbing themselves and moaning, which is obviously faked, but that's the nature of the beast. You don't get to hear the 'phonecalls, so essentially it's now voyeuristic 'phonesex, made slightly worse by the fact that when they're not on the 'phone, the girls have to do something to fill up the time. I was treated at one point to half an hour of a girl looking really very unhappy, waving her 'phone around as if to get rid of a mosquito, and trying to say enticing things, whereas I really thought that she would have been more successful reading a book or something.

I don't just get Babestation, though. Oh no. I get Babestation X, Babestation Xtra, Babestation Blue, and Playboy Chat, which is not (as I thought it might be) the Playboy Channel with a Rabbit-esque chat and date service running in the bottom bar - rather it's exactly the same format, with the bunny logo in the top left. This is getting ridiculous!

I'm not really going anywhere with this. Certainly Babestation isn't getting me anywhere, seeing as it's not taking me as far as my imagination could. But then again, I'm not really trying. Why would I, really, though? It was just curiosity that had me flicking to the adult section.

I only wanted my TV working because Red Dwarf was on Dave.

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