Wednesday, 10 October 2012


I tried to masturbate yesterday. Okay, correction. I did masturbate yesterday, and for those of you who are interested in the consistency of male ejaculate, it was a large amount, and thick. Just so you know. I guess losing most of your body fluid through blood, sweat, tears and raw energy does that to you. The difference is that this time I used a TENGA egg.

Correction. I tried to use a TENGA egg. That is to say, I waited until I was solid as a rock, took the egg out of the packaging and slipped it around my penis, then masturbated. Kind of. Eventually. That is to say, I masturbated, but I took the TENGA egg off before I came.


I didn't look at the instructions. I'm aware they're in Japanese and all, but there are some IKEA-style diagrams as to what to do before you stick your cock into the rubbery silicone and pump away, and I didn't look at them, because I am dumb. Correction. I'm not dumb. I was just horny, and therefore my intuitive reasoning was down about 50%. I've barely ever used a sex toy and, the upshot of it all was, I didn't open the little sachet of lube-type liquid and do what it tells you to do before using the egg.

Also may explain why I needed to stretch the thing out to the size of a small Caribbean island before I could get it to fit around my shaft and even then it felt like a Saran wrap. Still, it did wonders for my erection... since when I took it off, I felt so wonderfully free and easy that it was a brilliant feeling, and it didn't take me long to orgasm after that.

So maybe it worked. In some way. Even if my brain... well...



Jay Shenton said...

Choosing the right kit for you is the utmost importance I got a fleshlight from Simply Pleasure andI can honestly say it has made my alone times alot more interesting.

Jess Carlson said...

Even from a female point of view those eggs are fun.

Adam said...

Did you give the Rev 1000 another try?

Anonymous said...

Dude. You turned down sex with your girlfriend to wank with an egg.

Innocent Loverboy said...

@Jay: Never tries a fleshlight.

@Jess: Really? How?

@Adam: Yeah, but my opinion remains the same. It's become something of a curio with my friends and it's now an inside joke; the REV 1000 is our murder weapon of choice.

@Anon: Not really, no.

Mark said...

LOL this post made my day :)

I tried an original Tenga egg about a year ago, but now I notice they have the new "hard boiled" ones which are supposed to be a completely different texture.

The latest toy on the block seems to be the Pulse by Hot Octopus - looks intriguing.