I tried to masturbate yesterday. Okay, correction. I did masturbate yesterday, and for those of you who are interested in the consistency of male ejaculate, it was a large amount, and thick. Just so you know. I guess losing most of your body fluid through blood, sweat, tears and raw energy does that to you. The difference is that this time I used a TENGA egg.
Correction. I tried to use a TENGA egg. That is to say, I waited until I was solid as a rock, took the egg out of the packaging and slipped it around my penis, then masturbated. Kind of. Eventually. That is to say, I masturbated, but I took the TENGA egg off before I came.
I didn't look at the instructions. I'm aware they're in Japanese and all, but there are some IKEA-style diagrams as to what to do before you stick your cock into the rubbery silicone and pump away, and I didn't look at them, because I am dumb. Correction. I'm not dumb. I was just horny, and therefore my intuitive reasoning was down about 50%. I've barely ever used a sex toy and, the upshot of it all was, I didn't open the little sachet of lube-type liquid and do what it tells you to do before using the egg.
Also may explain why I needed to stretch the thing out to the size of a small Caribbean island before I could get it to fit around my shaft and even then it felt like a Saran wrap. Still, it did wonders for my erection... since when I took it off, I felt so wonderfully free and easy that it was a brilliant feeling, and it didn't take me long to orgasm after that.
So maybe it worked. In some way. Even if my brain... well...