Tuesday, 14 August 2012


My parents have gone out and left me on my own for two weeks. On my own. My cousin's moved back to Scotland for the time being, my sister moved out ages ago and my cat... well... I don't know where she is. She comes and goes. It's summer, so she'll be outside somewhere. I've got some nice cat food for her when she returns, though.

I'm alone, and this, of course, means that I can indulge in the ten-pound box sets that I picked up in CEX recently - it's very difficult, when confronted with Doctor Who, not to watch it. But I have been doing other things, like playing my guitar at maximum volume, having mock knife fights with myself in the kitchen, and ramping up the volume of the porn.

Back when I had my old laptop, I put headphones in to prevent any interlopers from clocking that I was watching soft porn. There was a very handy volume dial just where my thumb could catch it, but nevertheless, I was very careful with just how much volume there would be before I put my headphones in and pulled my pants down. With my netbook, there's no such dial and it's not so easy (although not impossible, but I'm lazy) to insert headphones (although if you do there's a wonderfully obvious status balloon that pops up, stating "You just plugged headphones into the audio jack!" - yeah, thanks for telling me). In fact, there's very little volume control at all, apart from Windows volume settings, which I can handily get to via the systray.

In fact, I've become quite adept at manipulating volume at the same time as watching soft porn - keep the volume control open at the same time as VLC, deft usage of the touchpad to up or down the wave, keeping master volume at a minimum and, Robina's your transsexual uncle, job done. It's like I'm controlling the volume with my thoughts. Either that or I'm going deaf. Whatever.

However, with everyone else out (including the cat) I took the chance to, among other things, play things with the loudest possible orgasms at maximum volume... with the windows closed, there are children next door - and, while my glee was indivisible for the first few minutes, it slowly dawned on me that I wasn't really enjoying it too much. Hell, it was just a louder version of what I usually enjoy in a quieter fashion. Everybody Hurts wouldn't be too fun if it were particularly loud. I've lived a lifetime of keeping my softcore quiet.

And so I closed my bedroom door, cut the volume by half and started over again. Okay, so it was a lot louder than it usually would have been were anyone else here, but upon the realisation that what I needed this afternoon was familiarity, it's good to stick with what you know, right?

Tomorrow's mission involves the lounge downstairs. I'll let you all know how that one turns out.


Jess Carlson said...

Now my version of that (if I lived with my parents) would be watching Doctor Who at maximum volume lol

Innocent Loverboy said...

Oh, but I have also been watching Doctor Who at maximum volume. I'd just have thought that would be a given.