Sunday, 15 July 2012

View from the other side

How to have a memorable wedding day, in 25 easy steps:

1. Awake to a general panic from everyone else in the house.
2. Shower, shave off beard, don trousers, shirt, waistcoat, shoes and jacket. Slip sonic screwdriver into pocket and walk around saying things like, "How can you miss me? I'm easy to find. I'm the guy with two hearts, remember?"
3. Go to church with increasingly frantic family. Enter accompanied by people in various states of historical dress. Avert eyes from the guy who decided to come dressed as Dobby.
4. Tease bridegroom on account of the fact that his bride hasn't turned up yet and suggest that she may have changed her mind.
5. Watch bride finally turn up in a massive dress with hearts on it; watch minister nervously take the service in front of what looks like a comics convention. Sing as loudly as is possible during hymns, because you may as well.
6. Mill around for a bit wondering what to do.
7. Go to reception.
8. Mill around for a bit wondering what to do.
9. Watch cabaret, which turns out to be the same people who always do something along those lines. Go up on stage and sing in Russian, get your laugh and then go off stage. Watch more cabaret and continually wonder when the food is.
10. Go outside and get photographed and feel hungry.
11. Go into banqueting hall; sit down. Feel incredibly hungry, exacerbated by the fact that there are cupcakes right in front of you and you're not allowed to eat them yet.
12. Get served three courses, eat them all and then realise that you're still hungry because the plate sizes were so small. Eat cupcakes anyway and attempt to fill up with water.
13. Watch uncle cry for the first time ever because he's trying to make a speech. Laugh at the best man's short speech and practically feel the pain of the groom as he stumbles through a rather disjointed ramble of thanks. (ILB: As practically the only person who didn't get thanked, I felt a mixture of sadness and relief.)
14. Mill around for a bit wondering what to do.
15. Watch Punch and Judy show (yes, really).
16. Go back into banqueting hall; notice that all the chairs and tables have gone and the fact that there's a band setting up - immediately realising that you'd completely forgotten the fact that there was going to be a ceilidh. Upon realising that the band have come nervous since there's nobody else in the room, go and find the man with the loudest voice and ask him to corral the guests.
17. Dobby gets everyone into the room - except the bride and groom, who are nowhere to be seen.
18. Get asked to dance by a pretty girl who you don't know. Find cousin and her new husband; get the band to start. Ceilidh (awkwardly) with girl, who dances well but is also a little drunk.
19. Throughout course of evening, dance with father, cousin, sister, other cousin and person who you may well be related to but don't know at all. Look completely ridiculous as you try to keep your Doctor Who costume in order.
20. Finish ceilidh through the grace of God and the efforts of a free bar with lots of Coke.
21. Wonder why you haven't gotten home yet.
22. Watch bride and groom leaving, and then don't tell anyone else that they've gone - start taking mental bets on when guests may notice that they aren't there any more.
22. Weather the finer points of a crisis involving a very drunk girl, some vomit, a bathroom floor, some panicked relatives and a guy who has Spiderman-like abilities (this one didn't happen... honest, guv)
23. Find way back home in a taxi with a very confused collection of relatives which varies from cousins to aunts and uncles to parents and sisters.
24. Make cheese on toast for sister and her best friend on account of the fact that you all deserve something for carrying an unconscious person home surviving this momentous day.
25. Go to sleep in a sleeping bag.

I'd fit in the fact that I had a strange dream about my cousin giving an acceptance speech for three other guys, including Lightsinthesky, and my then having a discussion about her being polyamorous. But then I'd have to mention the successive dream, which involved my cousin's university friends, including the girl who asked me to dance, forming the cast of Leprechaun 3, despite the fact that there weren't any leprechauns in it. And the successive dream to that, which involved me milling around for a bit wondering what to do. So I'll skip that bit.

Oh... and although she's not reading this, well done, oldest cousin. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Although more than I did would be nice, too.

She isn't really poly, by the way.

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