A few days ago, I was contacted by strawberry blushes to ask if I would care to review one of their most successful products: a male masturbator called the REV 1000. I've actually held one of these before (even though I don't really like sex toys), but never really used it (because I don't really like sex toys). However, however, never say never (ever?), so I said yes. The following review is my own opinion and, although you can probably guess what the outcome will be already, you may as well go ahead and read it. It took me a while to review!
The REV 1000 is a male masturbator - the operation of which being that you push your erect penis into it and operate it like a remote control. Although my first thought, of course, was something akin to "that's a sex toy? It looks more like an offensive weapon! I could kill someone by hitting them with this! It'd be like sexual Cluedo!". I had a "fun" few minutes taking the bits apart and then putting them back together, as the instruction manual requested, before realising that I had no idea what they were. I re-read the instructions, couldn't see anything wrong with what I was doing, and then I decided to try and have a go.
The first thing I tried was to fit my erect penis inside the REV. Don't worry, I'm not a fool, I am aware of how one gets friction burns; I just wanted to see how tight a fit it was without actually turning the REV on. It didn't fit. It didn't even go in by an inch. I didn't really want to acquiesce and use lube for an initial size test, but I had to. In fact, I used large amounts of lube before I actually fit into the device. Still, once it was in, it was a nice fit and the penis felt snug inside it. So far, so good.
So, to the controls: well, there are two options you can switch between: speed and operation, 49 combinations in all. The simplest is a 360° continuous clockwise rotation, whereas the other five functions vary in different ways. At the lowest speed, function one didn't do much for me (in fact, it hurt a little despite vast amounts of lube), but I got used to the feeling of the REV encasing my penis as I upped the speed and played a little with the functions. I even built up through the list until function seven (double rotation clockwise and then anti-clockwise) at the highest speed, but it still didn't do much for me. I was by that point ready for the "most powerful and intense orgasm" that the box and manual had both promised. It didn't happen.
What I did notice, however, was that at the right speed (medium-high) and at the right setting (function four - 180° clockwise and 180° anti-clockwise), the resulting motion is scarily close to the actual sensation of the penis pulsating as it does during orgasm. I wasn't having an orgasm, but I felt like I was... apart from the fact that I wasn't either enjoying it or ejaculating. Still, this was my favourite bit of my first try.
I didn't come though.
For my second try, I was incredibly turned on (and therefore very hard) beforehand, and I used a whole sachet of Durex cherry lube to squeeze into the REV. Once again, I played about with various functions and speeds while going through scenarios in my head which never fail to get me off (I was lying on my back on my bed; I don't think you can use the REV while sitting up - it's too bulky for that), and once or twice (using the fake ejaculation setting described above) I felt like I was on the brink. But that's as far as I got - I didn't manage to orgasm. At certain points, it was too strong; at others, too weak... and then it started to get painful. Once I stopped and pulled the REV off, my penis - still covered in lube - was hurting quite a bit. What's worse, I was frustrated and upset, and couldn't even bring myself off using my hand afterwards. It wasn't going to happen.
(N.B. It happened a few hours later after I'd cleaned everything up and didn't use the REV, so at least I know I was working).
So why didn't it work for me, when it's so popular usually? I have no idea. But there's definitely one factor: the noise. It's really loud when buzzing/rotating, and that's genuinely irritating when you're trying to construct situations in your head to aid your masturbation - although the fact that I was trying to concentrate on constructing situations rather than fighting off induced orgasms isn't a good sign. A continuous drone was an unwanted assault on my ears, and in reality is one of the least sexy things I can actually think of. Add a lack of excitement, a lack of orgasm and a certain amount of pain to the annoyed wasp impression, and it's no surprise I didn't come inside this thing.
I'd like to point out at this juncture, however, that this isn't a terribly fair review - I don't have a particularly sensitive penis at the best of times, I don't do too well with lube and I tend to need warm stimulation, like the palm of a hand or the inside of a vagina (and preferably the sexual enjoyment of someone else) to actually induce orgasm from me. But clearly I felt something - only it was pain. This only happened after a long time, so maybe I was using the REV for too long. However, even with my level of sensitivity, you'd think an unusual pattern at a high speed would have some sort of effect. But it just... didn't. It didn't work. I wanted it to - and I tried really hard. But it didn't work - and if I don't come, I don't come.
And it's really loud, too.
REV 1000 Male Masturbator, kindly provided by strawberry blushes. Available for £106.95 in their Men's Sex Toys section.