I knew I should be in celebratory mood, having been outside on this nice sunny day, had a job interview that didn't go too badly (although I still don't think I got it), walked down some bits of London I've never seen before and come back to a relatively quiet house. Also, I have a good week-and-a-half lined up, starting from tomorrow. So I should have been in a buoyant mood. I just wasn't really feeling it. I was almost there. But not quite. I even felt myself sliding into despondence, which wasn't a good sign.
I knew what I wanted to do, of course... and in retrospect, it was the right thing to do, because now, I feel buoyant, if not a little playful as well - dear Lord! (Well, I did before the child next door started crying - crying children always upset me.) But I was just... well, I was wanting to, but I didn't think I could.
It's not like I couldn't. I have, after all, done it so many times before. Since I got this netbook I haven't even used headphones. Just turned the volume down to almost zero and kept the door closed. But this time, I was... well, kind of aware of my parents. They were there. It is, of course, none of their business what I do in my own room, but I still feel the need to keep up the pretence. It's part of how I've always done it, of course, apart from that time when I had the door open.
But this time I just don't think I was ready. I even had the DVD prepared and managed to get the drive to work. I just felt like, in this hot evening, unless my parents were out and I could rock up the sound, I just wouldn't be able to masturbate.
"We're going for a walk, see you later."
I heard a brief scuffle, and then the door shutting.
I hit the volume switch.