I am aware I have a dark side. Everyone does, whether they are good at controlling it or not, or whether they embrace it or not. I like neither accepting nor embracing my dark side, but I am aware that it is there and I want to control it. No, I want to suppress it.
I don't know how I look to you, but how I look to myself is a different matter. Strip away all the physical ridiculousness and you get someone quite nervous, yet wrapped up in a bundle of sexual energy. I channel that sexy feeling into various things - one of which you're reading right now. But it also comes out in humour, dancing, masturbation, and love (I'm pretty good at turning sex into love. I think so, anyway.), and of course sex itself!
However, when I indulge in sexual fantasising, my dark side becomes more and more apparent. Inspired by @DebutDilettante running a list of turn-ons and turn-offs on Twitter yesterday, I tweeted my own. It wasn't surprising that I mentioned intimacy as one of my biggest turn-ons - although I also listed tease. It wasn't surprising, either, that I listed pain as a turn-off. But I have spanked people. I've been spanked. Whether I like it or not.
In retrospect, maybe I've done too many things that apply to the darker side of sexual nature. Nothing extreme. But a few things. The fact that I don't like BDSM or sexual roleplay doesn't mean I haven't done it. But I don't like it. I don't like pretending to be someone else and I don't like hitting or getting hit. I'm not very good at it. And yet I'd do it if asked. But I'm not a submissive - I just like to comply. I'm definitely not dominant - it's not in my nature either. I don't even like pigeon-holing people like that. Even the term "switch" doesn't mean much to me.
Anyway. When I fantasise, my thoughts are light. Or they start light. Dark doesn't turn me on. The things that do it for me - thinking about kisses, rolling through words and phrases in my mind, watching soft porn, naked skin and feeling sexy, memories - are all quite light. That's what starts me off. Talk to me about whips, marks, pain or calling someone something like "sir", or worse, "daddy", and I'll recoil. Mention enforced chastity and I'll wonder what the point is. But when I near orgasm, my thoughts slip. I've caught myself sometimes wondering what it would be like, trying to get into that more seedy side of sexual indulgence. Lots of sex bloggers do. But that's them. I'm me. I'm different. I'm light. And yet just before orgasm, pictures hover there - pictures that shouldn't really be there. I feel dirty; I feel ashamed. This is not me.
Yesterday I revisited one of my old worlds. A technique for sexual stimulation I used to do all the time at university, but which seemed to drop out of my radar almost instantaneously for some reason. Nothing dirty, nothing even seedy or underhanded. Something pure, shining, good. With the best of intentions I indulged. And I came. Nothing else was needed. My thoughts did not wander. I didn't wonder about where I stood, where I fell, if I should. I just let the light take me. And in the light my orgasm washed away what I saw as my impurity.
As it should be.