Sunday, 22 April 2012

Soft Porn Sunday: Maya Divine & Eric Masterson

Masterson. Interesting. I wonder if he's any relation of Danny Masterson. Judging by my blog's stats, typing "Danny Masterson" will probably double my readership. Here's hoping.

Okay, I'll admit it here and now. I've never seen Bikini Airways. I don't even know the plot. I know it's got Jason Schnuit Jay Stewart in it, and I know a lot of it appears to be set on an aeroplane. I think Stewart's character's wearing a lei at some points, which makes me wonder if poisonous snakes are going to attack at any point. It would certainly improve the film, which doesn't have a good write-up.

Apart from the scenes with Maya Divine. Everyone likes those.

Appearance: Bikini Airways (2003)
Characters: Francine & Delivery Guy

Maya Divine, performing as Wendy Divine - not that she's a famous porn star or anything, so masking her name totally makes sense - here plays Francine, the fiancée of Stewart's character (whose name I can't be bothered to look up). She appears in cutaway gags only marginally longer than those in Family Guy, but through the three brief scenes, we see her extramarital relationship with a pizza delivery guy progressing through different stages. In every instance, it's the "cheating girlfriend on the phone" scenario, but - unlike in Magenta where it's played for dramatical emphasis - here it's played almost exclusively for humour.

A
nd it makes me laugh. Deliberately. So it's kind of working here in some ways.
My parents have those wooden chairs!So the first thing to mention is that this isn't one scene. It's three. In the first two, Stewart's character (who is having lots of illicit sex himself, so he's not portrayed as a victim here) is calling Francine, who's at home while he's flying around with the motherfucking strippers on the motherfucking plane. In the third, Francine is calling him. But in each time, she's engaging in flagrante delicto with this tough-looking, unattractive pizza delivery guy. He doesn't have a single line in the entire movie, however.
Unlike Francine, who is a chatterbox. In the first scene, we see that she has the delivery guy's head between her legs - with conversational lines like "well, he came about five minutes ago" to her boyfriend on the 'phone, and then a superfluous "I wasn't supposed to tip you" to the delivery guy in question, whereas we all know what's coming next - he licks her to orgasm.

In the second
scene, we see him taking her from behind. Again, she is on the 'phone, but this time we actually seeThat TV's straight out of the '50s! the pizza. Because pizza is important, apparently. And it provides a few gags along the way - "pepperoni and sausage" being a rather obvious one, topped only by "hey, don't stuff yourself" and the customary "oh, I don't think I could take another inch... I mean, another bite." And the third one - in a radical departure - we see her riding the delivery guy, declaring her intention to become a nun, then thanking her boyfriend for some flowers - which the camera then slowly pans to at the end of the scene.

So - the good points. Well, we know what the main attraction is here: Maya Divine. As a porn star, I'm pretty sure
she's well-accustomed to giving it all she's got in terms of body movements, but as these are intentionally humorous scenes, they are exaggerated even more than otherwise - not to a ridiculous degree, but enough. Vocally, her performance is initially a bit off-putting, because rather than overdubbed moans she lets out a series of very high-pitched squeals, but I actually think that adds to the fun. Her speaking voice isn't anything particularly special, but it suits the character (or what little we see of her) and the idea of a telephone conversation preceding the main event is a nice touch - a cliché, yes, but a well-executed one.
I think you can see Jesus in a picture up there.The music is suitably light-hearted and even a parody of itself in some cases - the fake saxophone jazz in the first two scenes is standard softcore fare, but in the third scene, it's some sort of weird bouncy thing - almost like muzak in some ways - which you'd initially think might get really annoying, but makes me smile for some odd reason. And the décor is suitably characteristic of suburban America, but let's face it, it's probably someone's actual house, isn't it?

The only thing I don't really like about these scenes is Masterson himself. I know he's playing a nameless, ineffectual character and his only job is to have sex with Divine, but to be honest, a lot of the time he just looked kind of bored. You could argue that he's a buff, attractive man who thinks nothing of sleeping with slightly older ladies on his rounds, but to be honest I'm not sure he's really feeling it. On the few closeups you get of this guy, he just assumes a face which is a composite of confused and that which they make in Jizz In My Pants. It's not really that sexy.

Nevertheless, I like these. I've actually deigned to download them after I got some free download credit from one of the sites I used to use. They do turn me on, but in a more effective way, they do make me laugh - and laughter, gentle readers, can sometimes be sexier than any pizza-related sex you want to throw at me.

I probably won't be buying the DVD though. I still can't get over someone called "Schnuit".

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