Sunday, 11 March 2012

Toy story

Last night I decided to have a wank. I'd been turned on for long enough and everyone else was out of the house (even the cat), so I had the place to myself. I stretched out on my bed and was about to sink into my imagination, when I had a thought: something like, "hey, let's make this interesting..."

So I used a sex toy.

Here's what happened.

Description
On account of the fact that I threw away most amounts pf packaging in order to fit as much as I could into a single
Eww. Lunchboxxx, I don't have a clue what this is called. But I'm sure there are many things like it, and I helpfully took a picture! A translucent, blue, jelly-like substance makes a short tower, into one side of which a row of silver plastic balls is embedded. At one end of the tower, there is a small opening like a mini-vagina; at the other, a hole. Just a hole.
The toy felt cold, heavy and squashy in my left hand, and my first thought was, "this is meant to make me come?" But I thought that if I'd removed the cellophane, I should at least have a go...

Attempt I
The first thing I noticed was the glaringly obvious fact that my penis wouldn't fit into the hole. (This isn't a new thing; I do have a penis that grows exponentially when I'm aroused, so sometimes there's difficulty getting it into a real vagina. But you can't administer cunnilingus on a toy to make it more relaxed.) After several attempts to get it in, I tried various different methods, such as holding it open with two fingers, sliding my index finger in to see how far it could go and waiting until I was flaccid to see if that would fit, I decided to just jam it on and see what would happen.
"Aaaaaaaaaargh," is what then happened. I let go of the toy and it popped off my penis immediately, falling with a soft flump onto the bed. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to go away. It wasn't pleasant. My mind racing to pick up on whatever I may have done wrong and how I should correct it, I eventually hit upon the conclusion: "It's a sex toy - let's use some lube!"

Attempt II
I snipped open a sachet and lubed up my penis (which, mercifully, was not bruised, as I feared it might have been), and - for good measure - covered my index finger with the rest of the sachet and slid it in and out of the toy a few times to make sure that was sufficiently wet, and then tried again.
This time, it worked magnificently. I slipped majestically into the construct, the head of my erect penis appearing out of the nondescript hole at the far end while the blue jelly-like stuff hugged my shaft. Success!
Wondering what I do now for a few moments, I did the only thing that made sense and gripped the toy around the outside, moving it up and down like a much bigger, thicker foreskin.
And I continued to do this for a while until I realised that I wasn't really enjoying it that much. Sure, it was novel and all, but I couldn't really feel anything. I was masturbating, but there was a very dulled sensation; my hand was hurting from gripping something so tightly, my shaft felt stifled and slightly uncomfortable inside its jelly cage, and the little balls inside the toy I couldn't feel at all.
I tried to enjoy it enough to orgasm, but it was difficult for my mind to conjure up images to get me off when thoughts such as "this is stupid" kept drifting through it. What didn't help, also, was the fact that my penis' head - the most sensitive part of my genitalia, considering that I'm actually not all that sensitive in that area, really - wasn't being stimulated at all, unlike when inside a girl (when there's no hole for it to pop out of, and the stimulation of the inside vaginal walls), or when it's just my hand (when the sensation of the foreskin sliding back and forth provides friction to stimulate it).
In conclusion, although it went in, it wasn't going anywhere, and I wasn't coming.

Final Stages
When I took the toy off, it felt incredibly liberating. I was still incredibly horny, so I masturbated like I normally would. After a while of holding this jelly thing, my cock felt very thin against the palm of my hand. But it worked - I came, hard. I cleaned up the mess after a while and wondered what to do with the toy.
And then I noticed. There was a split in the toy. There was a split in the material from where my penis had entered it. And there was another towards the end, where the head had exited. It was broken. I had broken it. And upon an experimental squeeze, one of the little balls popped out of a hole. I'm pretty sure that's not meant to happen.
As I wasn't going to use it any more, i wrapped it in tissue, put it into a paper bag, and threw it away. It seemed the kindest thing to do.

Overall Analysis
It didn't work. But I can't help but think, looking back on it like this, that either I chose the wrong toy, I did something wrong all the way through, or that - the most likely situation - ILB and toys just don't mix. But, since I am pretty much of a novice in this department, the fact that I didn't rip my cock off is something of a small victory. Gentle readers, you are probably more well-versed in this toy business though, so to you, the question:

hay guyz, am i doin it rite?

8 comments:

Innocent Loverboy said...

The lovely Rory has found this. I think this is the toy in question!

Catharine said...

Well you do have an UNUSUALLY LARGE PENIS.

Please don't do that to my vagina.

Innocent Loverboy said...

I did think about using the UNUSUALLY LARGE PENIS phrase in this review. But, not unlike the penis in question, I couldn't quite fit it in.

Anonymous said...

I've got one of them... How far out the far end does your head come?

Catharine said...

I understand.

Innocent Loverboy said...

My entire head came out of the far end, and about a centimetre of my shaft. I'm not lying; my penis is quite big/long when erect. But that meant there was no stimulation of the head at all.

Why, how far does it come out for you? If it's any less, is it more pleasurable?

Hedone said...

Attempt 1 - KinkyGent and I had the same thoughts we used lube and it sort of went on but less than half way onto his penis. We used our lube on hand--wet platinum which is premimum silicone. The masturbation sleeve is a gel silicone. We later found it would have been better to use water based or KY. Don't know? We never tried it again.

We used Doc Johnson's "The Tube", it had some ribbing on the interior as well.

Thanks for the info.

Anonymous said...

About half the head comes out - and yes, it does do it for me. PS how big are you? I'm just under 8, and clearly quite a bit smaller!