Wednesday, 21 March 2012


As some of you may have noticed from occasional rumblings on Twitter, I have intermittent problems with my back. Either it's genuinely bent out of shape, it twinges occasionally, it's the itchy skin that's the problem or I'm just genuinely neurotic about it. To be honest, it's probably bending over my computer slightly that may cause my back to hurt. In any case, my back hurts.

I was somewhat convinced at points that my hurting back was something to do with the chair I was sitting in while at my computer. I still am convinced of that. My old office chair, which I've had for years and years (and didn't really want in the first place, but beggars can't be choosers), has a very weak back and I can't actually lean back onto it, for fear that it will break (I had to keep re-assembling it anyway; two of the original screws holding the damn thing together were left, and I had to keep tightening them with a screwdriver so they didn't fall out). Eventually, my dad came up with the novel solution of taking one of the straight-backed, wooden chairs that we use in the kitchen.

It's not ideal, but it's a good idea. My back still hurts, but at least when it does I can take a few seconds' respite by leaning back on the chair, without fear that it will collapse under my weight, send me sprawling onto the floor and I'll actually break my back, which undoubtedly would hurt quite a bit more.

While the chair is nice, however, the question of what I do if I want to masturbate while sitting on it didn't occur to me until today, when I realised. My old chair has basically a large groove where my bum perched on it, and the areas around it stained with sweat. I mean, I'm sure there are semen stains on it too - not meaning to gross anyone out, of course, but occasionally my orgasm stained the fabric of the chair. Yes, it shoots upwards, but gravity eventually affects it in the usual way. Can't help it, dude.

So I had to come up with some way to be able to masturbate without leaving a stain of sweat or semen (or any other body fluid) on the chair, in case they want it back in the kitchen at some point... or in case I manage to ruin the nice little cushion that you sit on. I'm not barbaric, you know - and it's a nice cushion.

My inspiration eventually came from a memory.

I was lying on my bed, eyes closed. My mind was in a jumble of assorted memories - some good, some not - and a one point I remembered someone I used to know (although I'm unclear on exactly who) telling me that when girls had cybersex, they invariably put towels down on their computer chairs in case they got the chair wet, which they could easily chuck in the wash if the time came. I'm pretty sure that that's a blanket statement, and that not all girls do that, but after dwelling on that dubious statement, I did have to admit it seemed like a good idea. And why not adapt it?

So I now have a towel under the cushion, ready to swap the two around should the urge grab me. Innovative ILB strikes again, it seems... and he has suddenly realised that he needs to stop overanalysing why he does this sort of thing.

1 comment:

ladypandorah said...

'blanket statement' heh...