Monday, 9 January 2012

TMI Tuesday: Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?

"Go on, ILB, do the TMI Tuesday about the penis that everyone's doing." Yeah, okay then.

1. What’s more important – length or width? Why?

Neither. Although I know some people that place a lot of value on one, the other, or both. But as long as it works, I think it's a perfectly acceptable penis, as long as the person it's attached to isn't a massive cock as well!

2. Ever encountered one that was too big for you to handle?

I don't indiscriminately handle other people's penes, but a friend of mine has a massive penis. It's, according to eyewitnesses, twice the length and width of your average dick, and also has two holes (one is defunct), so it's probably genetically two penes that have grown as one. I'm surprised he's actually managed to go through however many girls without splitting any of them in half, as apparently it gets bigger when aroused! It must reach up to his chin or something!
Anyway, yeah, so I've never seen it. I have shared a bed with him a few times, and at one point I allegedly rolled over in my sleep and grabbed his foot. "It could have been worse," said another friend. "It almost reaches his foot, so it's a good thing that his foot is what he grabbed." I haven't stopped washing my hands since.

3. Best place to put a penis?

For what purpose? Usually I put mine inside my underpants (although it does have a tendency to slip out at points, usually of its own volition...). For urination, well, over a toilet bowl is usually acceptable. And during sexual contact... wherever she wants you to put it! She knows where, after all, and it's her call!

4. If you had a penis for a day, what would you do with it?

I already have a penis. I do a lot of things with it, but they mostly involve going to the toilet. However, I do masturbate, which involves curling my hand around my shaft and pulling my foreskin up and down until I ejaculate, and if I'm lucky, I also have sex with it, which involves putting it into parts of a girl. Why, what else am I meant to do with it?
When I was younger, I used to be fascinated with how strong my penis could be, so I used to get horny and then try and hang towels off it and stuff. It was usually successful. I still can hang towels from it, but it's more painful now. And why would you want to do that anyway? I don't want to break it!

Penis Envy Fact: The largest penis in the Animal Kingdom is 11 feet long (Blue Whale).

No it isn't, it's that of my friend I mentioned above.

5. You’re a penis; which love canal (that’s a vagina) would you most like to visit?
a. short and shallow
b. fall into the gap, gliding smoothly along the slick walls
c. tight suction lip-lock
d. none, I prefer the back door thank you

Okay, well, officially c) is my answer, but as with all questions, it depends on who I'm putting it into to begin with, and what she can do with her vagina once the penis is inside it! I mean, all vaginas are different, but if the inside walls can mould perfectly around the shape of a hard penis inside it, and make both pulse together, then what does it matter? See if the muscles contract around its base and then tell me it matters. Honey, it really doesn't.
Also, does this question call me a cock! How rude!

Bonus: What is the perfect name for your penis or a penis you use often?

My penis was originally named Madison. Then it was called Squishy. Personally, I'm not entirely happy with calling my penis anything in particular. But then again, it wasn't me that named it, so I didn't really have much of a choice.


Catharine said...

I'm alarmed by the names...

Innocent Loverboy said...

Well, you didn't want me to name your boobs, so I think I have a right to hold onto the names bestowed upon my wang in the past if I want to.

I don't want to.

Catharine said...

Maybe you could call your cock Claudette or Felicity instead??