Friday, 2 December 2011

Binary opposition

The way I've always seen it, you can have two types of wank: a dirty one and a clean one. Yes, I've always seen it that way. I just didn't know I had that view. I realised this the other day.

I know that masturbation is dirty by definition. It's messy. It makes a mess wherever you do it, whichever gender you are and however it happens. But then again, so do a lot of things. Eating fruit does the same and that isn't a sexual thing, unless you're reading Goblin Market or posting this sort of picture. Or eating it off someone else. Okay, bad example. But you get the idea. Things are messy. Having an orgasm is one of those things. Yes, it feels fantastic. But it's messy. It's dirty. But that's not what I mean.

It's difficult to define what I mean by dirty/clean, as it's a very simplistic dichotomy of an umbrella term encompassing various types of an act, almost forming a binary opposite of the type Claude Levi-Strauss would enjoy. And it almost stigmatises what I would classify as a "dirty" orgasm, even though that's not my intention. I find both of them enjoyable. I'm sure you would too. But for lack of a better definition (safe/unsafe? - no, also positive/negative. right/wrong? - even worse. raw/cooked? - also Levi-Strauss!), I'll go with these.

A "clean orgasm" is the type I'm used to. It's an orgasm sitting in my chair watching soft porn. To be honest it really was the only sort of orgasm I had throughout my first time at university. Three whole years. I was busy. I was a student and I was in several bands. I had reading, writing and cooking to do, and of course, I had to watch Doctor Who too. I didn't have space, time or the will to have any other sorts of orgasm. And I got addicted to soft porn. I liked it; I still do. I take the piss a bit in my reviews, but on the whole I liked it. I didn't have sex once while at university (well, I did... but only once), and the orgasms I had for three years were practically all in my chair with soft porn. If it works, why knock it, right? I didn't feel the need for anything else.

In my third year I got interested in cybersex and that's where the "dirty orgasm" comes in. I don't know why my brain made this definition, and I'm not happy with it. But I think the "dirty orgasm" comes from the involvement of other people in a remote sense... it comes from the concept of a real person typing a line of script, or posting a picture on Tumblr, or even having an explicit and/or suggestive Twitter account. The thrill of that type is rare, I'll grant you. I don't have cybersex any more (it's cheating!), and even though there are some really sexually explicit people on Twitter, I don't follow many of them. Some go far too far, and it's difficult to put up with both the grading of language used and the fact that most of them can't spell. The happy medium is hard to find and I prefer the blatant ones - "just had sex" turns me on. No idea why. It just does.

However.

I've been a bit out of order in how I separate orgasms here and I am aware of that. My body is aware of that. There's even a change in how I set my body out for these - dirty orgasms usually end with me on my back on my bed, cum more likely to hit my chest (in some cases my neck). Clean ones end with my hand full of semen. They're easier to clean up after... which is probably why they're clean. But both are pleasant, because both are orgasms after all.

I feel slightly sullied after a dirty orgasm though. I don't know why, but I get the feeling that I shouldn't have been doing it. I've no idea why. I'm masturbating over the concept of someone in real life having sex, not masturbating over that person, as such. But I do feel kind of bad about it. Maybe that's just me. Me being not so innocent after all. I've been having those for a couple of weeks and it's really made me feel pretty shameful. Again, for reasons unknown.

I had a clean orgasm a couple of days ago, though, and that's the last one I had. And that was a nice return to what I know. Again, proving the ultimate truth - I do like soft porn.

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