My mother has spent a large amount of today coming in and out of my room. She is floating, allegedly interested in what I've been doing, which is - of course - college work. I've been doing a lot of college work and still have a lot left to do, natch. I've also been playing Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest on my SNES and practising guitar. But mostly college work. My mother also insisted that I go out for a walk this evening. On my own, not with her. Or anyone. So I took my iPod and went for a walk with Tim Booth.
I haven't been doing anything else. Certainly nothing sexy. I don't feel sexy. I'm fairly sure that I don't look sexy, but then again, I'm not sure I ever have. But I don't feel sexy either. I'm not sure I'm up to it.
I haven't a clue what's wrong, if anything actually is wrong. Maybe I'm tired. I spent the last few days getting to college in the morning still not awake properly and swearing to myself that I'd be going to bed at 9pm, and yet still staying up until 11 or 12 for no reason whatsoever. Not much productive either. Maybe a bit of work for assignments or whatever, but no shower, shave or change of clothes. Barely even making lunch for myself for the following day. No change of bedsheets, no laundry done. I've been doing that today. There's still a load left.
Am I tired? Or is there something else? Am I developing CFS? Am I just lethargic, like my cat? Am I in a room which rapidly changes temperature too much, making me too hot or too cold? Or am I, as I have often suggested to myself, bored... bored with this house, with this room, with this situation, this mother who keeps coming in to check I'm in the same spot I always am? White middle-class boy problems.
But why don't I feel sexy? I just don't. I really don't feel sexy. Why not today? Why not today, Saturday, the day when sex is abound and there's no pressure to do anything else? I went for a walk. I should feel refreshed and energised from strolling through the cold air. I do not.
An explanation I lack... and that is what worries me most of all.