Monday, 4 July 2011

Renal

Caution: Possible TMI! This blog entry contains reference to urine and the urinary tract!

I've never had a UTI, or at least I don't think I have. It sounds very unpleasant. But I have suffered most of the symptoms, and back when I was 16 and putting on a hypochondriact, I would have thought I was suffering from a UTI last night. But I wasn't. I was, however, in a lot of pain.

I masturbated for a long time last night. It took me a very long time to orgasm. That isn't something particularly unusual for me - I don't mind my strange ability to be sexually aroused for an incredibly long time; I mean, who would, right? But, although that eliminates the danger of premature ejaculation (although I'm not ruling it out, it's unlikely to happen any time soon!), it causes the urinary tract to be pretty much unusable, and if you need to go to the toilet, then this can cause a blockage, creating pain after orgasm has been achieved.

Obviously, this isn't a universal rule. It's not one for me either. When I was about 11 or 12, starting to get interested in sex, I used to push urine out when I was erect, simulating the sensation of liquid coming out of a hard penis (I was too young to masturbate then, didn't really feel I needed to, didn't know how to, and besides, I didn't ever do it until I was 17, so that was a long way off). So yes, it can be done. And it often is, especially if you pee with morning wood (although it's best to do that in the shower, so it doesn't just go everywhere).

Anyway, I digress.

Last night I kept getting distracted. Cats howling outside my window, internet stopping working, wondering where people are, texts from H and so on. I must have, at some point, needed to go the the toilet. But of course I didn't realise, because I'd been wanking for about two hours and getting pretty frustrated, which I'm sure is understandable. Given my what-I-call-stamina, this wasn't entirely unforeseen, but I wanted to orgasm, and since I'd kept getting distracted, more than an hour and a half was probably pushing it a bit. Eventually, though, I managed to nix all my distractions, concentrate fully on sex, and orgasm. Which I did. And it was a long, drawn-out, intense male orgasm, which is always nice. I even mouthed a name while I did so, spontaneously, which isn't something I've done for a while.

I cleaned up and began to consider cleaning my teeth when I was suddenly attacked by instant stomach cramps and a burning sensation in my penis. This was a little worrying. It doesn't happen often, but I knew the cause. The stomach cramps weren't the usual IBS style, and my kegel muscle was throbbing, which is never that good a sign. It's probably doing morse code for "you've overdone it, mate."

I rushed to the toilet and urinated. For a very long time. It's not supposed to take this long. But there's something satisfying about that - you know you really needed it if you urinate following orgasm and there's a lot of it. Something like getting your money's worth, only more, uh, renal.

Of course, it didn't then stop hurting. Which led me to believe, of course, that I'd lost a lot of fluid. Well, I had. Lots of semen, lots of urine. Sweat, tears, the whole bunch. I had lost a lot of fluid. So I went down to the kitchen, still in quite an intense amount of pain. I fumbled for blackcurrant squash, found the most ridiculously large cup I could (a huge pink beaker thing), and started drinking...

...two litres of water.

No, it's not too much. You're meant to have eight a day. Hey, shut up, it worked, all right? I felt better. Once I'd given it twenty minutes to cool off my raging insides and work its way through my digestive system. Water is incredibly cleansing for the body, I tend to find. I've known this since I started detoxing on it a while back. And, although drinking two litres is a bit drastic, it worked. I had to use the toilet again, but the painful sting went away immediately afterwards. So I'd say that works.

I don't want to have to rely on it again, though. And thus I should have taken a different path of action. The lesson for today, therefore, reads:

If you can't orgasm for a long time... stop and do something else.

Here endeth the lesson.

Now go and get a drink.

2 comments:

Catharine said...

This post made me laugh, in a nice way, I promise.

wife10yearsin said...

Yeah, what she said.

You poor thing! And I get frustrated if it takes me more than 5 minutes.

Word verification: reons