Thursday, 30 June 2011

You okay, honey?

I have been a bit miserable recently, and I apologise. I do tend to work best in interpersonal relationships if I'm getting good feedback from other people. I've got lots of comments on my empathy and sensitivity, and nearly every job I've tried to do has involved pastoral care of some kind. But occasionally, even if I am working well with people, I can't help being miserable. It just happens. This month I've ranged from helping my sister to have a dalliance with a married man, to planning a zombie RPG with Nimue, to going on a late-night emergency mission to aid a cousin's friend, to sitting on my bed listening to Beautiful at full volume while in floods of tears because I was emotionally confused about which pair of shoes to wear. But that was this morning. And that's how I roll.

You can probably understand, then, that with the amount of stuff I've done this month - that list barely scratches the surface; read back through this month's NaBloPoMo to see what else has gone on in my weird life - the emotions are scattered all over the place. To name the sexy Catharine, the lovely Anna and the faithful Lady P as but a few, online people have been my salvation, of a sort. Every one of you who has talked to me, Tweeted me, MSN'd me or even read a single word of what I've written this month has been helping in some way. And I know this blog is read. I often get over 100 views a day, some of which are not me. So thank you for that.

I know I've made some decisions which have been a bit unusual this month and some people have felt a bit hurt by that. Most of them won't be reading this. But for what it's worth, I'm sorry. But I don't do anything malevolently. I haven't got it in me to do so. Everything I do seems like the right idea at the time, and if done with the best of intentions, that's all you can hope for. Blessed as I am with the ability to love unconditionally and magic hugs like the kid from The Santa Clause 3, I still don't have the ability to see into the future and therefore predict the effects of anything I do or say, so you can't blame me for taking a course of action that I thought was the right thing to do. Thankfully, the repercussions of anything aren't too far-reaching.

I'm not as further along this month as I'd have hoped. But then again, I never am. I constantly take steps forward in one direction, only to be knocked back in another direction. But to be honest, that's how I roll too. And, although I am very emotionally sensitive, I'm tougher than you think. I'll get through everything. I'll be okay. After all, I got through this month intact, and I'm sure that you can too. Because, after all, I may not have much, but just sometimes, you gotta have faith.

6 comments:

10yearsin said...

Aw. There's been plenty of times when I've been in the very same place. Hang in.

Catharine said...

You're wonderful and I want to cuddle you. July will be fabulous, I hope, and I think.

ladypandorah said...

It's what keeps us interested in life - all of the bumps along the way.

LP x
(who started singing George Michael after reading the last sentence)

Blacksilk said...

Sorry I wasn't around to help, though it looks like you had plenty of good support anyway. Hope you're feeling better this month.

Also, zombie RPG? Ooh, do tell! Are you getting into the nerdy roleplay as well as the bedroom one? GIVE ME GEEKINESS! :P

Innocent Loverboy said...

Dude(ss). I've been into tabletop roleplay since I was about 11. I haven't done any for a long while, though. Nimue's GF came up with the idea for an online zombie-apocalypse-based RPG. I said I'd take part, although how and why and when is still not too clear!

blacksilk said...

Hmm, did I maybe know that and forget? Or did I just think you were a comic book geek? I forget. That's awesome though.

Have you played All Flesh Must Be Eaten, by the way?