Friday, 10 June 2011

The wood between the worlds

I feel as if I am floating. In between worlds. I am in my world, in my house, in my room, in my chair, in my blog-posting page. But really, I feel detached. I feel alone, but not lonely. I feel adrift, but safe. A world I can return to is waiting there for me to return to and all it would take is the touch of a button or a footstep in one direction. For the moment, I am content to drift. Chill-out music. Thoughts. Small actions.

I stayed in bed this morning, even though my dad told me to get up. I waited until he'd left the house, then went straight back to bed so I could restart the process of waking up, gradually. The postman delivered some mini ILB business cards I'd ordered because I thought that @dylanbeattie's were cool. I looked at them for a while, even though there's not much to look at, and then crawled around my room finding cardboard to make a placard for the SlutWalk. Scissors. Glue. Thick felt-tips. I assaulted the cardboard with duct tape, some chill that I'd forgotten I even had whispering at me from the speakers. Felt like a graphic designer as I drew the slogan out with straight lines from the point of a pencil and a ruler.

My dad came in when I was colouring in the final word.

"When's this march?"
"Tomorrow."
"It'll be wet."
"If it is, I'll cover this sign with sticky-back plastic."
"That'll make it shiny, won't it?"
"I'll take a picture of it before I do."
"Is your sister going on this march?"
"Yes, we're going together. We might split up when we get there."
"Okay."

He left. I still felt detached. I finished my sign (it took a while). It looks rushed but it isn't. I quite like the home-made activism feel.

I have been so busy this week. I have spent practically every day in central London on some business or another. I have been out every single evening. I have laughed and loved and cried and sulked. I have been all over the place, and the occasional reassuring sexiness of a cute person on MSN is what has slowed the tide. Taken me back to basics. Made me feel confident, wanted, worthwhile. So much so that I woke up this morning with the confidence that I can be alone and achieve something.

I an not working today. No jobseeking. No networking. I have no need for it right now. I am achieving by being myself. Reconnecting with ILB. That is how I achieve today. If I can wake up and think to myself, "I am ILB, and I am proud of that," I have achieved. And so it goes. I spend today in this state, being myself, contented with the knowledge that I am ready, when I make the decision by myself, to step back into reality, in whichever direction I choose... step back into reality from this, my place between worlds.

3 comments:

Catharine said...

You're wonderful. and I still want to see your placard.

Anna said...

a hamster wearing a green and a yellow ring and young golden light and calm pools that look shallow but hold worlds...

Innocent Loverboy said...

Isn't it a guinea pig?