Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Out of kilter

While I am aware that I have been single for about six months now, and I am also aware that at the moment I have a focus around a person who I am pretty keen on as well, it's difficult to decide exactly where my emotions lie when I get a call from TD. She calls when she needs to be calmed, or when she wants somebody to be nice to her. And to be fair, if you want somebody to be nice to you, then I'm sure your half-angel ex-boyfriend isn't the worst of choices. It's just that I never got a full explanation from her for some of the stuff that went on, and it's difficult to know what to say or do.

She called me today and we ended up talking about random stuff. I mentioned my sister's recent debacle with a manfriend, and she mentioned that she'd met a guy, who she almost got intense with, and then he broke it off. My immediate thought was, "wow, that was quick." I mean, a few months ago she was telling me she still loved me - now she tells me she was de facto with another boy for a couple of months. My feeling has always been that she broke up with me because she wasn't coping well with having a boyfriend, and that she wanted to be single for a while to rearrange her head. It's not pleasant, but that was the reason, as far as I could see it. This doesn't seem like the reason any more.

Not that I'm going to get much of an explanation about that either.

So this has thrown me out of kilter. Yes, I can safely say that I'm no longer in love with TD, but it took a very long time. And I don't think I'm "over" the break-up. I'm not even "over" the break-up with Rebecca, because that fucked me around so much that it left me very wary of girls' loyalties (whenever TD got angry with me, I was convinced she was about to dump me every time, because that's the impression I got with Rebecca - and yet when I tried to be assertive, that made her more angry - again, explain?). But then again, I never will be. It's not in my nature to forget bad times. I don't choose to remember them - they remember themselves and stick to me. All I can do is to try and move on.

But it's difficult to think of her being with anyone else. I was good for her and I know it. I fail to see how anyone different would be able to be in a relationship with her for such a long time - and, of course, I don't want to think about her having sex with anyone else. Hearing about her past dalliances was hard enough - Glod knows about the future.

This makes me confused and upset, and I don't like that! Yes, it's easy to upset me, and it's easy to confuse me if you don't explain things - but I've been doing so much better over the past month or so. I've been moving along - or trying my hardest to. I've been talking to new people as well as old friends and I've even been interested in girls (or, girl singular at the moment) without feeling so guilty (whereas for the first two months, even thinking a girl was hot made me feel disgusted with myself). But news like this throws me massively out of step, because it's just not something I need to know...

...and it makes me review myself, as well, and ask myself that eternal question...

just what the fuck did I do wrong?

8 comments:

wife10yearsin said...

Oof. If only I'd known how much you too needed a hug when we were chatting earlier, I'd have been kinder. I guess it's the day to post all the depressing shit.
<<>>

For the record, I don't think you've done anything wrong. Some women just don't understand how to accept a good man, perhaps she didn't feel like she deserved one. Being a nice guy will get you the win, sometime, I promise.
Here's another:
<<>>

wife10yearsin said...

Weird, I wrote <<< HUGS >>>, yet it took out the word! Well, understand that I'm trying my damndest to internet hug you, and stupid blogger is blocking me.

Innocent Loverboy said...

Thanks for your hugs! I guess Blogger thinks anything contained in < > is an HTML tag...

...but yes, I got what it meant, thanks.

ladypandorah said...

As lovely as your voice probably is at calming TD and how nice a guy you are, I think what she's continuing to do isn't fair on you.

You begin to put her and the trauma of breaking up with her out of your mind and she calls and brings it all back. I'm all for getting along together, but there's something that stings in all of this hearing from what you have to say.

When your breakup has become the elephant in the room, the explanation you are wanting to hear that seems like it will never trumpet (painful extended metaphor FTW)which continues to make you confused and upset, a bit of distance or at least the emotionally becalming phonecalls should happen.

My twopence worth...
LP x

ladypandorah said...

meant to say:
* a bit of distance should happen or at least ceasing the emotionally becalming phonecalls*

LP x

The Drinker said...

I feel I need to explain myself.

RE: "She calls when she needs to be calmed, or when she wants somebody to be nice to her."

If I were doing this, it would be completely not fair, but I have to say that this is not the case. I have not spoken to ILB for a good few months, and the reason for calling him this week was because I had been witness to a hit and run and had stayed with the woman and called an ambulance, and was understandably in a bit of a state. I had tried to call various people and got no response, and just needed to talk to somebody about what had happened, as I was on my way to a meeting with my Supervisor, and needed to let it out.

And as to my other crimes, I have told ILB that we can talk whenever he wants, but he has not wanted to. I do not know what these 'answers' are that he wants, but he is a wonderful guy and our relationship just didn't work out. Sometimes it doesn't. I'm sorry.

This is his blog, I have no right to complain about what he puts up, but I do not enjoy the fact that he has posted several posts since we broke up which I do not feel are fair. Of course he is upset, but so am I. I don't like the fact that people think badly of me. I've stayed away from reading, respecting his private space, but when you put these things in public, my friends do ask me about it. A while back he intimated that we had been in an abusive relationship, which hurt more than you can know. I wanted us to work, I tried very very hard to make it work, and although yes he is a wonderful guy, you can't ever only listen to one side of the story. I didn't want to break up with him, but my mental health was in tatters and I needed to sort myself out before I could be there for someone else. There was a lot of stuff in our relationship which is private, which only we know, and I just don't think anyone can really judge us apart from us.

So. Yes. I called my ex because I was in a state. I'm sorry.

Innocent Loverboy said...

While I agree with both ladies here - LadyP insofar as it's not nice to hear from TD as I'm trying to move on and also TD insofar as she called me for a perfectly valid reason to do so at the time. Maybe some of the stuff that came out in the phonecall shouldn't have come out. I don't know.

TD, with regards to the other stuff - the answers I said I wanted and the stuff I wanted to talk about, I don't want to ask you about them because I am fully aware that asking questions and talking about things is likely to make you upset and/or angry, and that's not what I want to do! There are lots of situations that I am still confused about, and yet either thay have gone unanswered or people seem to assume I know something that I genuinely don't.

I don't want to pursue the topic any further with you, though, because of a few things:
- when I bring up issues that happened with my mother, I get called a liar; I don't want to get this from you too
- some of these things have very bad memories for me (and also possibly you too) and I may have trouble controlling my emotions)
- there were things that I brought up during our relationship which caused you to suddenly go very angry and distant, and I don't want to effect that reaction again
- I tried asking questions to Rebecca, in the same vein, after she ended our relationship and all I got back was an angry, angsty, spiteful e-mail
- I tried the same with my mother, and I almost wasn't asked back home from university because of it

In my defence, nothing I've said has been intended to make people think any less of you than they already do. Some people in my family certainly do, and I've vociferously and continuously defended you if even one ill word about you is spoken - sometimes getting quite angry about it (even though I don't do "angry").

The problem is, although your comment here was perfectly fair (and in place; Blogger is a public forum and this is a public blog - you are perfectly entitled to comment), your final few statements raise further unanswered questions... so I'll ask these here:

- Why did you have to "try very very hard" to make it work; what was I doing wrong?
- If you didn't want to break up with me, why did you?
- While I completely understand the thing about your mental health, why did you end that statement with "for someone else"? Why not for me?

These are the sort of questions which keep me awake at night - the things which I seem to be supposed to know the answers to, and have never been told, so probably never will.

Innocent Loverboy said...

I've been talking to TD and it came from the conversation that it's not fair on either of us to continue this sort of discussion here on Blogger, so I'm going to clarify a couple of things here and move on.

First of all, TD's comment about someone else wasn't referring to someone other than me - rather, someone other than herself. She does suffer badly from mental illness, and the need to sort this was for 'the other' as much as 'the self'. Whilst I have told her she wasn't a bad girlfriend, she felt that it was hurting 'us' and she thought it wasn't fair on me to have to deal with that, so removed herself from the equation.

Second, I didn't mean to insinuate that TD calls me all the time for emotional support. It has happened only rarely. I'm sorry if I made it seem as if it was a frequent event. Space is needed by both of us to deal with things, and we have had it. I didn't realise quite how hard it was to be the dumper as well as the dumpee and although we have some talking and sorting out to do, I have wanted to be there for her and she has only let herself contact me for specific reasons.

I don't want to present this as an ILB versus TD battle. That's not the sort of thing I wanted to get into, and from here on in, we're taking this to e-mail. I'm sorry if any of you were concerned or upset by this post, as well. I am grateful for the support of you lovely ladies. It's just something I felt I had to write. Whilst TD respects my right to use my blog for whatever I want, I can now see that she is upset by the way she thinks she has been presented and as it is a public blog she has every right to comment.

There are indeed two sides to every story. Our story had a lot of good, but unfortunately has ended badly. I know that TD didn't mean to hurt me, just as I didn't mean to hurt her.