Saturday, 18 June 2011

Nothing can hold him, not even a ring...

My sister brought her MacBook through into my bedroom yesterday and sat on my bed. "I'm typing this," she typed, "because I don't want the parents to hear. I know they're downstairs, and they could be listening." I nodded sagely, as I know the feeling.

She disclosed a secret to me... that she is 'seeing' someone.

This is hardly a revelation. All the signs were there - she has been fending off advances by people with unusual gusto, whereas what she usually does is just give in, hence her sleeping with the young raver, or letting boys buy her things. Suddenly turning unavailable is her signal for "I'm attached," and everyone's noticed this, most of all my parents, hence their recent confusion about her. She's been a bit of a bitch to me, as well, which was sort of explained in her text-based communications yesterday.

The man she is seeing is married.

So, yeah, apparently, this man's wife is a bitch. She claims (my sister, not his wife) that their marriage is ending. Ending, rather than ended. It's been ending for a while - eight months, it seems. Now, I have mixed feelings about this.

While I appreciate that extramarital affairs happen a lot more than anyone is comfortable admitting (and this is what she referred to it as, an affair), I don't like it. I know some marriages don't work, either, and that some come to an end, sad as this is. And I'll accept that that's the best thing to happen. Nevertheless, what I can't abide is somebody dumping somebody for somebody else. That I can't accept.

I get it, follow your heart, or whatever. But, having had it happen to me in the past, I know how deeply that cuts. What happened to me was worse, because I was being used as a fallback, in case Rebecca's new relationship didn't work out. I was old news for two weeks, and the utterly moronic thing is that I knew something was happening all along, and didn't want to say anything. But it devastated me when it all happened, and when the same thing happened to a friend-with-a-massive-penis a couple of years later, I was straight in there with a sympathetic ear, one that had been there before. (With him it was the same timescale... two weeks).

My sister said, briefly, that he wasn't leaving his wife for her. With nothing else to go on, I guess I believe that. But why didn't he get out of his marriage at any point beforehand? If he wanted a divorce, why didn't he get one a year ago, thereby ending it all months before he even knew who my sister was? Well, the thing is.

He has kids. Three or four of them.

And evidently that throws a spanner in the works. Because you can't just end a marriage and walk off if you have children. Well, you can, but anyone with at least half a heart won't. He will, according to my sister, have THE TALK with his wife, and then with his children - but to be honest, I don't see then taking any of this well. Their parents breaking up, and then their father being with a new girl half his age. That doesn't sound like something that belongs outside of a psychiatrist's office, really.

The age difference doesn't really bother me as much as it might. She's 21 and he's 40. Yes, it's a massive age gap, but it's two consenting adults, and I slept with an older woman when I was 21, so I'm not really one to judge.

Oh, and apparently, they're in love.

I'm not sure I believe that, either. But she's certainly keen on him - by the way she talks and acts. After a party we went to yesterday (and that was pretty painful, but interesting in odd ways, if you've been following me on Twitter you'll know what I mean), I was tasked with helping her sneak him into our house at 4am - I was, of course, trying to get to sleep at 4am, but my job was to give the all-clear (is es, making sure our parents were asleep while they sneaked up to the attic), and this required a quick BBM, which I did - grouchily. Then turned my 'phone off, to give it - and me - some needed rest.

I don't even know this guy's name. Nor his face. All I know is he's a policeman.

So... this is an interesting development. I'm not sure how I feel about it, never mind how I'm meant to feel about it. Part of me says that there's nothing seriously wrong going on here, but he's still married. And if it were just sex, well, it'd be wrong too, but this is love, allegedly. Which makes it complicated. And there are children involved, which also makes it very difficult. I know she likes his children, but that's not really the point here.

Nor is it any of my business. I just wonder how deep she's going to ask me to go before I feel the need to voice any concerns.

I need a holiday.


Scarlet said...

A Policeman? Then the likelihood is he has a wife, a mistress and a girlfriend.... In my experience at least they are not particularly faithful creatures, blaming the "stress of the job" and they never EVER leave their wives.

Catharine said...

I wondered what the crazy 3am scheme was!

As you know, I had a cyber thing with a married man, and at one point wanted to meet him (not that it was ever all that likely to happen, so it wasn't a decision I had to really properly consider).

I've thought about writing a blog post about it before, but decided it would probably make me seem like a heartless bitch...

But I can see that, for some people, there are some situations where something (real-life) with someone married would seem like a good option.

But your sister's situation doesn't seem like one of them...

Anna said...

You're right to be concerned. People say this because, in the vast majority of cases, it's true: he won't leave his wife. You sister is, in all likelihood, going to get her heart broken. It's happened to friends of mine. Please try to explain to her that she's worth so much more than being the other woman.

reader w/o a blog said...

oh dear! i agree with Anna: remind her she's worth more than an affair.

i'm always a little skeptical when it comes to love. although i know it's different for everyone, for me personally love develops gradually. do you know how long they've been together? because 3 weeks is one thing and she might be able to come out relatively unscathed, but three months is a different thing entirely...

and where does a 21 year old meet a married 40 year old police officer?! i'm approaching 30 and i wouldn't mind an officer of my own... ;)

Innocent Loverboy said...

I honestly don't know exactly how many partners he has - although I've only been told two, so that's all I have to go on! I don't know much about policemen - but I have my eye on some social workers. I don't trust those guys. They're a crafty bunch.

Although I kind of see where you're coming from, unless both parties invovled (married and otherwise) are absolutely sure what's happening, I'm not certain it's a wise idea. I don't know where my sister stands - it's not always easy to work her out (see below).

Oh, I've said that. I have. My sister is convinved that she is more than "the other woman" - she says they're in love - maybe they are; I don't know. But, as I said in the entry, if he was going to leave his wife, why hasn't he done it yet? This is what makes me concerned.

I don't know how long they've been together. The figure my sister gave me was eight months, but I think it's eight months since he started the break-up process with his wife. And from the story I got about how they got together, there was a long period before they were "officially" a couple, so I don't know the actual period. I doubt it's been too long - I would have sussed something was up by now.
Oh, and she met him in an amateur dramatics society.

A couple of things that I didn't make clear:
- I've never met him. I've no idea who he is or even what his name is.
- One of his children is one year old. That's incredibly young. My sister says this child was a mistake, which isn't a very nice thing to say! If the eight months ballpark figure is true, then he started seeing her when one of his kids was just over four months old. That's crazy!
- I can usually work out when something's up with my sister. There were odd periods in her history where I worked out where there were things up with her and Hairy Friend, her and Mane, her and the young raver... she's not the most faithful of girlfriends, so I hear, and this worries me.

Although, you know, it's none of my business really, this is a little worrying - because I can't see it ending well. The question is, however, who might it not end well for?