Thursday, 23 June 2011

HNT: Trouser Trouble


Yes, that is a rip in my trousers. No, it's not terribly exciting.

I have this problem with trousers - I don't know what it is. They just keep ripping. Usually in the crotch. I don't know whether this is just dumb bad luck or the result of having an UNUSUALLY LARGE PENIS. It just happens.

The most extreme example of this happened at camp in 2004. I was having fun on the necessary bouncy castle, and I squatted and heard an enormous ripping, tearing sound from my crotch. As my genitalia isn't really disposed to make that sound, that could mean only one thing, and sure enough, when I looked down, my trousers were ruined. There was more than a small tear - it was a huge rip, with bits of trouser flapping in the breeze, and my underpants on display for all to see. The only option, other than to spend the rest of the week looking like Plastic Man, was to use my spare trousers. These were the same design, except they had rips and tears all over, because that was artistic, apparently. Still, it was better than gaining a reputation as "ripped crotch boy".

This tradition carried on for a while. I'd be doing something totally normal, and then my trousers would rip. It happened again just as I was about to go on stage to play at a rock festival, although fortunately, my friend and keyboardist had a spare pair. It happened in my first year at uni to a pair of blue tracksuits just as I was boarding a bus heading straight into town, necessitating a stop-off at Wilkinson to buy the cheapest sewing kit I could find (and stitching up the tear in the exact same colour while in the dressing room, which I did quite well, go me!). By the time third year had rolled around, practically all my trousers had suffered the same fate, and - as a cheaper alternative to buying new ones - I had resorted to patching them. One of my favourites was a pair of dark green trousers with a huge black patch over the crotch, complete with pink stitching - my explanation? I was an arts student, I was allowed.

I stitched up one of my favourite pair of trousers recently - it had a rip in the crotch that I wasn't aware of until I sat cross-legged to read a book and noticed a huge hole where there shouldn't have been one - so I grabbed the remnants of the sewing kit (the same one) and stitched the hole together. Unfortunately I also managed to stitch my underpants to the trousers at the same time - cue a "LOL why do I DO this to myself????!!!!!!11one" moment. I cut the rogue strands (with scissors), fixed the sewing... and then proceeded to rip them again, lower down! What a crazy world this is.

The rip on the trousers that I'm wearing at the moment (see above) is relatively minor, in comparison - a couple of centimetres in length - and from a quick look through my wardrobe I can see only one more pair that's not a part of a suit, three-quarter-length shorts, or ripped. I may need to buy some more. Problem is, I don't have any money.

I wonder if the 99p store in town has trousers... if I'm going to continue my trend, that's probably all they're going to be worth!

11 comments:

Jake (of Facts and Friction) said...

It's a hard life having such a boisterous crotch, isn't it? :D

wife10yearsin said...

Sorry, I have no advice, I stopped reading at UNUSUALLY LARGE PENIS.

Innocent Loverboy said...

Jake: Yes, it's one of those things we have to deal with. I'm sure you sympathise.

W10YI: I hope you regain your ability to read after a while.

Catharine said...

I don't think I've ever read so many words abour ripped trousers before?

Although you did once tweet me saying stop it, you had a hole in your trousers and I was making it worse, which is possiby one of the best chat up lines I've ever heard.

I could start donating you some of my collection of gift vouchers I've won for clothes shops that don't sell clothes for women with big arses?

Innocent Loverboy said...

You will keep winning things!

I'm hopeless at clothes shopping, even if you did kindly donate your vouchers, I may demand you help me choose as well. This, of course, invovles you coming into dressing rooms with me, which could be fun even if it may not help my current batch of trousers.

Wouldn't you rather spend them on some nice underwear for yourself though? Judging by your pictures, you don't have much.... not that I complain about that, mind you...

Catharine said...

Is that a not-so-subtle hint to stop dressing like a lesbian? I don't think I can!

The word verication thing is, however, telling me to be rude?

ladypandorah said...

Where exactly is this rip in your crotch? I'd quite like to visualise it perfectly.

kthnxbai

LP x

Innocent Loverboy said...

This one is just to the left of my perineum, but most previous ones have been just below the zip, more centrally.

ladypandorah said...

Thank you. That satisfies my inherent curiosity for the while.

LP x

Catharine said...

I had been wondering too but didn't want to ask in case I looked like a perv...

ladypandorah said...

Leave your worries to me, Catharine. I'm happy to oblige.

LP x