Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Open all hours

Please excuse me writing this in a post-orgasmic haze. Hopefully this tea and Camembert will wake me up. Hopefully. If not, Star Wars might.

So, to business. I just masturbated with the door open, and I think that's the only time I've ever done that.

I like having my door closed. Even when there's nobody else in the house, I like to keep my door closed. It sets a boundary up and, even though there is a lock, even if it isn't locked people have learned to knock before entry. I usually say "yes?" even if the door is locked, in the hope that somebody will attempt to walk in and open the door at the same time, and knock themselves out on the door.

That hasn't happened yet.

But today was different. I was getting my usual mid-afternoon horniness coming on and hadn't had an orgasm for a while. I wasn't too busy, but the door was still open. I reflected, and went downstairs to talk to the cat. The conversation went something like this:

ILB: "Willow?"
Willow: [stretches]
ILB: "Is Dad here?"
Willow: [looks disdainful]
ILB: "I want more of an indication than that. Is Dad at home at all?
Willow: [licks self]
ILB: "You know - that guy. 'Mahar, I know lots of trivia, I'm an actor, mahar, I'm Dad.' Him."
Willow: [blinks]
ILB: "Yes or no?"
Willow: [loses interest, goes back to sleep]

It occurred to me afterwards that I could have just looked around the house, but asking the cat was a much more interesting way of doing things.

Once I'd ascertained that Dad wasn't here, I snapped open some soft porn with the door open. I eventually constructed a storyline in my head, since I was just flicking randomly through various tubes and couldn't find anything I knew would stimulate me enough (and with the lack of a CD or DVD drive, my usual repository is inutilisable). The storyline made me ejaculate. I laid back on my chair, eyes half closed, and breathed heavily, and audibly, until my orgasm subsided. Blissful.

I made sure all my limbs were still functioning, cleaned myself up a bit... and then closed the door.

I quite like this idea of room-access role reversal. Not that it's at all interesting...

...but it's different! And that's what matters!


Anna said...

Your impression of your dad is the funniest thing I've read all day. Mahar!

Innocent Loverboy said...

Fnar, fnar. He's a thespian so he sounds like this despite being a Scot!

[Word verification also sounds like him: "bratar"]

C said...


I don't like masturbating with the door open, even when all alone. I wouldn't dare with a cat in the house though; one time the neighbour's cat even managed to get in the house and jump on my lap while I was masturbating?? It was distracting.

Innocent Loverboy said...

My cat tends to meow loudly outside my door whenever I start masturbating. I don't know how she does it - every single time I start, she comes to meow and wail outside my door! I swear she knows it's just annoying. And distracting.

The worst part is, she doesn't meow because she wants anything. She just meows to distract me because she wants attention. But she couldn't choose a worse time to do so.

The day when I masturbated with the door open, I checked she was fast asleep on the sofa downstairs before starting. Fortunately, she didn't wake up. At least... I hope not, anyway.