I have this friend. She's been my friend for years. And years and years and years. I have even mentioned her on this blog once or twice. I have recently come to the conclusion that I have rather mixed feelings about her, and I am about to share them. Here goes.
I don't have a crush on her. I don't think I have the facility to crush at the moment. I might, but I don't know. I've only been single (again) for about four months and, although that's an appropriate enough fallout period, I haven't done that thing I used to do of falling very passionately in love with someone at the drop of a hat, and then pine longingly for them for long periods of time while not doing anything. It's odd, really, that I'm not doing that. I think I may be broken somehow.
But, crush or not, every time I see her, I wonder what she would be like in bed. I want to experience it. I know that she is 26, like me, and that she has never had what I'd call a "boyfriend". My mother thinks she might be gay, but I don't think she is - I know she used to pull lots of random boys at university, and she had sex with one boy on a journey once (although she does say he wasn't very good, and she never did it again). What is confusing is that she is certainly attractive, intelligent, and lovely to boot - not a common combination - and yet she doesn't have a boyfriend.
Maybe she is just too shy to make herself appear available, like me - or perhaps unwilling to approach anyone she finds attractive, like... er, me.
It's odd, though, that I only think of having sex with her when I'm with her, like on pub nights or social evenings. I don't think of her in a sexual context any other time and I certainly don't masturbate thinking about her (as we've already ascertained, when I wank there has to be a defined situation, and it usually involves ficticious people, rather than myself, or even anyone specific). But when I see her physically, I am very aware of the fact that she is a young lady, in possession of, well, lady parts. I am aware that she knows how to use them, and I am aware that she has. Once.
But what surprises me about myself (especially considering how long I've known her) is that I am suddenly, for want of a better word to describe it...