Friday, 4 March 2011

Trick or treat?

I had a nightmare a couple of nights ago about being outed. I'm quite low-profile, so nobody's going to bother to try and out me anyway; additionally, it wouldn't make much of a difference. I've had the conversation a few times - "what would happen if you were outed?" / "I'd just carry on as normal, doesn't bother me" - but I think it probably would. I'm not sure why. For a higher-profile sex blogger, it would have more of a profound effect - take The Girl, for example - but for me? Not so much. But I still like the anonymity a sex blog name provides, and the fact that - being anonymous - I can be more of myself than I would otherwise be.

In the dream, however, I was still at school - maybe in the sixth form - and in this case, the fear was real. Really real. Back in the sixth form, I had started writing my LiveJournal, and everyone read it. I was quite proud that everyone read my LJ; it was a welcome distraction from the humdrum of after-school life, and also a really easy way to pick on me. I got numerous anonymous comments (although not many of them were incognito; with most of them you could work out who they were) basically flaming me for things I said, even though the things I said weren't actually offensive or libellious - they were just my opinions.

Anyway.

If I had started writing a sex blog while I was still at school and I was outed, the reaction probably would have been much less so that it had been in the dream. In the dream, everyone picked on me for it. Including the teacher in the dream (who, for some reason, was the teacher who left the school after Year 7) - who seemed to lead the class, in all their mob mentality, in laughing at me. Seems a little stupid now. Why laugh at me for writing a sex blog? I'd like to think these entries read quite well, so why the derision? And then, the thoughts whirled around my head - what do I do now? My best-friend-at-school (my naive, but lovely best-friend-at-school) hadn't found out - when would he find out? What about Lightsinthesky? He'd certainly have something to say. And then what would I tell my parents? And how would I deal with the inevitable deluge of hateful comments from my peers in the sixth form?

I woke up, eventually. And I'm glad I did because the sense of relief was overwhelming. I don't deal well with fear and, because of what had happened with my LJ, this was very realistic. I knew exactly what I would be up against.

Thankfully few people comment on my LJ any more, and those who do are my friends. But LJ has declined in recent years and I've been posting less on it now that I write ILB. Also thankfully, I've had very few comments on ILB which serve no purpose other than to take the piss - I'd like to think that people who read sex blogs are smart enough to not erupt into flames at the mention of something which they don't agree with. But it makes me wonder exactly why my mind manifested that specific dream, and why it made me so scared. Because I was trapped? Because I was being publicly ridiculed? Or because I was afraid of what might happen?

Well, I don't mind being publicly ridiculed. I've been in plays. I'm in a rock band. I do stand-up comedy, for Glod's sake. I've never had stage fright, or been shy of the limelight. And, although I was in an overcrowded classroom with a malicious teacher (who in real life was great) and "friends" who had suddenly shown their true colours (or peer pressure had taken them over), I could have just walked out. But I was trying to defend myself - although why should I? I'm over 16 and I have a right to talk about sex as much as I want!

I don't deal well with fear, though, and the threat of what might happen when I got home was dreadful. The first time I'd had sex, everyone found out (at the same time), and I went home from school in a panic, for fear or what may happen, even though I was 17 and the sex was totally consensual. I had a terrible anxiery over something someone might say, even though I had no idea who may say what, and why.

I wonder what planted this seed in my mind?

I need to get out of my house for a while. I'm going a little crazy.

Fortunate, then, that in two and a half hours, 47 and I are heading off to Germany. 'Bye for now.

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