Monday, 28 March 2011

Too Much

I saw this earlier on via Huzzah, actually good porn!. At about this time two years ago, I had a "fat stage" in my life. I probably looked the same as always, but I felt really physically unattractive. I'm feeling that again. If not more so.

It's more difficult to cope with feeling like you are unattractive if you're single. Hypocritical though this may be, I think that big can be beautiful when it comes to girls. I think any size of girl can be attractive - it also works for boys, to an extent, but it doesn't work for me. I have fat bits on my body and I absolutely hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. And the worst thing is, I don't know when all this started. I just put on some puppy fat when I was 11 and never shifted it.
It's easy to tell that I got fat because I'm clearly thin. You can see I'm thin just to look at me. I should be tall and gangling. I'm tall and I have the physique to go with it - a diamond-shaped face (that's a technical term, it means long and slim), long arms and long legs. My arms - the parts of my body that have the least fat, due to their workouts via guitar, violin, drums, dancing and masturbation - show hoe my body ought to look. The rest doesn't compare. I look like a thin guy who put on some weight, and that looks terrible.

It's awfully depressing, especially now, because I just spent a weekend in the company of a physically confident 47, his pretty young German girlfriend, her beautiful, tall, blonde friend from school and her boyfriend, who isn't the greatest-looking person in the world but has a fantastic smile and great hair. It was a fantastic weekend, sure, but compared to my contemporaries, I found myself looking in every reflective surface and thinking, "dear God, I'm getting fatter." When I sit down in bed, I look down and I see man boobs and a stomach bulge where there ought to be one. I see thighs that should at least not change shape that readily and I feel an arse that's just far too big.

Convinced as I am once again that the reason I always found it difficult to get anyone romantically interested in me (and those that were - Soldier Girl, Rebecca and TD - were all circumstance, and all people that knew me online first, the key factor) was because I find myself physically repulsive, to the point of seeing attractive girls on University Challenge and thinking, "well, she wouldn't like me either," and that must be what everyone else sees too, I find myself retreating into my body-altering fantasies.

I've had these ever since I was about 11. I do something to get rid of the fat bits of my body. The most common fantasy is using a laser to physically chop off my moobs and stomach bulge. I untie my belly button and squeeze the fat out of the hole. I find a way to dissolve it all into liquid, force all the liquid lipids into a blister on my foot and then cut off the blister. I teleport my whole body away without the excess fat, which just falls to the floor. I seize handfuls and just pull it off. But evidently none of these happen.

Problem is, I don't know how to get rid of it. I like food too much to go on a crash diet, and besides, I'm a vegetarian so I need the protein, vitamins, etc. to keep my system going. I had a mild form of bulimia at one point, the aim being to go skeletal and then start eating as I normally do (ie, too much) but that didn't work - and frankly, it was the most stupid idea I've ever had. I don't particularly like exercise, but I don't have the money to join any form of gym and during my third year at university, when I used to go for two-hour walks every single day, all that happened was that my cheekbones became more apparent.

I'd say the whole thing about society's expectations and all that, but you've heard it all before.

Still, I feel really fat. I look it. I feel extremely physically unattractive, especially when compared to other male sex bloggers who have much more female attention than I do. And it seems as if there's nothing I can do about it.

Plus, my beard looks ridiculous.


Anna said...

I'm in the same boat. I have a recurring fantasy about a 'chrysalis machine' that would fix not just the excess fat, but everything else that's physically wrong with me as well. The hard skin on my feet, the saggy boobs and the unattractive nipples, the bad skin and uneven teeth - I imagine that it can make it all better. And I know that, like me, you don't feel this way every day. Right? There are days when you catch your reflection's eye and smile?

Innocent Loverboy said...

You're right - maybe there are. But those days are getting fewer and further between as time goes by.