Saturday, 19 March 2011


I have the sads.

My mother got me doing some work in the garden - our house has undergone a period of some transition and, even though they promised not to, my parents continually rope me into doing things to effect this transformation that neither myself nor my sister have approved. But I didn't mind doing this one - mundanely shredding bits of dead wood. Putting them into the shredder and seeing them come out as mulch. It's easy and satisfying. Getting pricked by rose thorns less so. Nevertheless.

But it's a mundane task and for some reason my thoughts wouldn't leave me alone. And we know what happens when I think too much. And this time, I had more to think about, because more time has passed.
I don't know why by brain is wired this way. I wish I could just let go of some things from the past. But I can't. They stick. And I think to myself, what if I had done this differently? What if I had done that differently? What should I have said? I say the things I should have said out loud, sometimes in earshot of my mother, which causes a few odd looks.

The pervasive question remains, however: Why?

I want answers and the fact that I'm not getting them makes me have the sads. Mundane work makes me think and I just see all the bad stuff. There's a lot of good stuff that's happened to me, but the bad stuff has a much bigger effect. All the stuff that happened with TD, for example. Most of that was good and yet it's the stuff that hurts that I manage to remember as clear as day. I remember things I saw that upset me. Things I heard that hurt me. Things I didn't, and still don't, understand. And it was the same with Rebecca. There's even some stuff that Soldier Girl said that I don't understand.

And these things attack me and they will. not. let. go. My memory is stuck on "replay". I'm a Time Lord on an infinite loop. Any other analogies you want to stick here. They lead to the same thing. If I think too much, the bad stuff makes me sad. It's not even my choice.

I feel like I'm being punished for something and I don't even know what I've done.

1 comment:

ladypandorah said...

It's what makes us human, thinking. Or over-thinking as in here.

There are never any answers, I've found that out myself for a different set of curcumstances.

Afraid I've no helpful advice (do I ever?!), but as always - we're here to help carry the load.

LP x