Tuesday, 22 February 2011

I, to the end, will be your friend.

Mini once had a relationship with a boy who, prior to going out with her, had sex with his friends. I didn't approve of him, not because of the sex with friends thing per se, but because I was convinced he would be bad for her. I didn't say anything, of course - it's not my place to decide whether a relationship is right or not - but he later broke her heart and resumed his lusty, hedonistic ways, or so I believe. Mini is now due to be married soon enough, so I guess that worked out all right in the end. Anyway, I didn't exactly start this post to talk about Mini.

The concept of sex with friends intrigues me. I can see a perfectly strong argument for it and another one against it. I myself have never had sex with a friend I haven't exactly been attracted to. Rebecca and snowdrop were both friends of mine before developing into something more, whatever that more was. TD was heading that way too, as was Alicia, although we became friends after we met for the first time. Louise was and is one of my closest friends of all time, and someone I'd tell anything to - even if I don't talk to her that often these days. But all these girls I've been attracted to at some point, with the possible exception of Louise, who basically proposed friendly sex as a method of stress relief. I readily agreed.

Of course, there's a difference between being attracted to someone and appreciating that someone is attractive. I've got plenty of friends who are incredibly attractive, yet have never felt anything for beyond friendship. I know, me not falling in love. Odd, right?

Anyway, back to the argument. I can see a good case for sex with friends, which goes something like this: your friends are perhaps the most important people in your life; if your friends make you happy, you want to make then happy too. Sex and the other aspects that go with it, such as orgasms and foreplay, feel good; ergo: having sex with a friend is a way of sharing good feelings with each other.
Evidently this is flawed, considering your views on sex. If, for you, sex is only something to be shared with a lover, then sex has a value, and having it with friends makes it lose its value. And, of course, there's always the danger that it may damage a continuing friendship - so you have sex, where do you go from there, especially if you only consider that person a friend? What if, following sexual intercourse, one of you develops feelings for the other? That's very complicated, and a risky business overall.
But then where do you draw the line? If you have a one-night stand, does that count? How about a fuck buddy, or a casual sex partner? Do you watch films or have meals as well as have sex? Those are things that friends do!

I've talked to lots of people - mostly on the internet - who will admit to having had sex with their friends. One girl lost her virginity to her best friend at the age of 12; they were both aware of exactly what they were doing and are still friends now. One girl asked me casually when I'd last had sex; I responded and asked her the same question. The previous week, it transpired, with "just a friend". And, of course, there's Mini's ex, and an old friend of mine, Lightsinthesky, who suffered from extreme virginity until the sixth form, then started sleeping with everything that moved, including one of his friends - practically every day, including a few months when she had a boyfriend. They had no interest in each other, Lightsinthesky claimed, beyond friendship and sex, and they managed to combine the two and justify doing it behind her boyfriend's back. While I'm not sure that I agree entirely with the whole boyfriend deception thing, I have to admit that he put up a reasonable argument in favour. And it does appear pretty common.

It's a subject that's been puzzling me for a while. I'm not sure whether I'm weirded out by it or not. I kind of like the idea, but not that I've actually envisioned me with any of my friends - I'm too close to a lot of them to really consider it - plus, as we know from my catalogue of near misses, it's not as if I could just "get it" from one of them on a random suggestion. Sex has only happened for me through luck, and (now I think about it) always at some form of initiation from the other person involved, however small or large that may have been. (Well, it's a two-way thing, why shouldn't it have happened like that?) But, then again, however you view sex dictates how you may view who you have sex with, and that's what shapes your decisions in the end!

Before you ask, no, I haven't had any offers! But would I have sex with one of my friends, if the offer came up?

I'm still not sure... but I think, to be honest, I probably would.

1 comment:

Rose said...

Absolutely love the post, especially the last sentence. I'd probably have the same.