Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Fears for TD, fears for myself.

However many odd dreams I seem to recal having, I actually don't sleep a lot, due to the grinding bugbear that is insomnia... and whoever invented it should be shot. It's worse than IBS, seriously. I don't have any memories of waking up and feeling rested. Sometimes it's tolerable. Sometimes I can just rest my body and eventually doze off that way. The sleeps are light, which explains why I dream so much. And, of course, I can sleep when there's somebody with me. That sensation is very soothing.

Two nights ago, it attacked me.

It's very difficult when this happens, but it occasionally does. Because of the way my mind works, I find it difficult to let go of situations in the past. It's not a failure to move on - it's just a persistent memory coupled with the way I am wired. I wish it could be different. But it isn't. And one of the things my mind wants, in the case of all these memories, is closure. And I lust after closure. I mean, everyone wants it, right? But my emotions scream at me, during the long nights. I need closure. I need answers. I need reasons.

This was bad enough after my first relationship ended. At least there was a reason I agreed with for that ending, although I didn't have to like it. I was being cheated on. Repeatedly. And then I was dumped (and I want to make this very clear - I was dumped; I did not dump Rebecca, although she was the one who was cheating). And yet I never got closure. She never told me why she cheated. I didn't ask her for a while, and then eventually when I did ask her, she raged and stormed and gave me anything but any reason. Note to self: never provoke someone with severe Asperger syndrome if the answer is important to you. But because there was never a reason specified - a perfunctory "I went off you, and I lack the common grace to dump you before fucking someone else" would have been enough - I still consider the fact that that relationship ended largely my fault.

I started to identify the symptoms of feeling the same way a few days ago. I began to consider on the first of February, or thereabouts, that I was no longer sad about having been dumped (again!): I was, in fact, now sad about being single. Wow, and isn't that a maudlin feeling of which I have lots of experience? No TD is one thing - no sex is another - no relationship is a third. I'm averaging 2.5 at the moment, I think. But I've got over the shock, and perhaps even the readjustment.

And so the same feeling manifests itself now. I reflect and then the feeling gets its teeth into me. Closure, dammit, closure! And this time it's worse. This time I was sure we were in love. This time I was sure we were going to last the course. Go the distance. I had something to work on, to look forward to. And I don't want to know why it ended. I was given a reason this time. I didn't agree, but at least I was given a reason, even though it didn't make any amount of sense.

I want closure on things that happened within the relationship. I want reasons. I want to pick them out of the air and pacify my burning questions with reasons. They don't even need to make sense, they just need to be. Why so angry because we had to walk a bit faster to catch a train? Why slap me because I was making a silly face? Why threaten to punch me because we had left a cum stain on a sheet? Why yell at me for being passive-aggressive, when I was just being me? Why drop the hints that I wasn't as educated, because I didn't go to Oxford? Why brutally slice a wasp in half with a knife, despite my protests, knowing full well that that is going to upset me very deeply indeed, and then call me pathetic for protesting? Why yell at me that you are going to slap me for looking scared, when it's that sort of threat that scares me? Why think that, because I was looking the wrong way upon re-entering the room, I had changed my mind about us, despite proposing marriage ten minutes beforehand? Why hit me in the stomach when I searched for keys in my pocket, forgetting that we had left them at the hotel desk?

And I am scared, scared of the repressed anger, the violent side that TD holds, that thankfully didn't manifest itself as much as it should. Scared of the power which she holds, the rage that occasionally broke free, and what could happen to her to push her too far. I fear for her when hearing about her past relationships, especially the last big one before me, the man who made her cry, the man who sent her home in tears, the man who broke her heart, and the man I had to wean her off. if you are in love, you do not willingly upset someone. You do not send them home in tears. You do not hurt them!
And that is what happened to her. It shouldn't happen again. It must not happen again!

I fear for TD and I fear for her future. I want to protect her and yet I fear being in any form of contact with her at all.

Because I will want the answers. I want the closure. I want the reasons. Give me the reasons, and I will be satisfied. Give me the reasons, and the questions will not plague me. Give me the reasons, and I can spend my hours of insomnia sketching in my head, planning my days, songwriting or even just dreaming of the superpowers I long to have. Give me the reasons and you spare me the pain.

Two nights ago, I was a wreck. I was shivering. I was scared. I was upset and even a little angry. I wanted comfort, I wanted security. I didn't know what to do. In desperation, I sent for help via Twitter. A few people, notably Anna, answered that call. Slightly empowered by the fact that other people still had the ability to hear and care, I found the energy to get up, pull my pyjamas on and stagger downstairs, 'phone in hand, to talk to the Samaritans. There was nowhere else to turn, partiularly when you consider the fact that I don't trust my mother not to be just as violent, and my father was unwell and it would have been unfair to disturb him. I stuttered down the phone, stammered my way through the line to salvation. We talked for an hour and a half. I was given reassurance, advice and even a little hope. I returned to bed and lay awake, a little more stable, yet no more able to sleep. The following day I slept in until 12pm, which is - in this case - understandable.

I have been told that I never will get closure. The implications of this are dark indeed. If I don't get the answers my brain screams for, then I will continue throughout the rest of my life utterly convinced that, despite putting in all my best efforts, despite being the kindest, most loving, most giving, most self-sacrificing person that I could possibly be, despite just being me... my first two relationships ended badly and it was all my fault.

And because this was perhaps the most depressing post I've ever written, here's a cat macro to lighten the mood somewhat.

5 comments:

Scarlet said...

Oh my sweetheart, I feel the need to hug you tightly, and share my snickers with you.

Closure is one of the hardest things to find when a relationship ends, because even when you get the answers they just tend to create more questions.

I know that in time things will get easier, or at least I hope that they will.

XX

Innocent Loverboy said...

Thanks.

Hugs and chocolate are always appreciated.

xx

Anonymous said...

This is a great post ILB. Sorry that the price was your being in pain. I think it is because you have put your best efforts in the relationship, things have ended with you heartbroken. You were keen when she obviously wasn't. You can't change this am afraid and this (and i hope i am wrong) may be a pattern in future relationships. Even the name you have chosen (ILB) indicates where you want to be in the relationship. The good thing though, TD can't hurt you anymore because she wasn't going to stop.

Innocent Loverboy said...

Well, so much is true - however, I don't think that TD was exactly attempting to continue to do hurtful things, or to hurt me at all. I just think it's my response to them that made them hurt. She did a hell of a lot of good things too (they're all over the rest of the blog, if you look).

I don't know how keen she was or wasn't. We had a phone conversation today, in which she appeared to be on the same wavelength as me as to where she thought the relationship was going (forever and ever, amen); nevertheless, she ended it, so... that didn't happen.

I feel no bitterness towards TD whatsoever - I feel hurt, but most of that comes from within. Who do I need in the next relationship? I doubt there's an ILG out there somewhere who would make such a good match for me. But, as things stand and given my track record, whetever "next relationship" may constitute, it's probably years away...

misspiggy said...

Relationships end because two people couldn't find the right way to be together. It's very rarely just one person's fault, if anyone's. I think you know enough to get closure, but you just don't want to assign the other person their fair share of any blame. It'll come in time though.