I work hard. I do. It's not that I need to, but I work hard. That is, if the thing I'm working on interests me - which is a problem, as people - and when I say 'people', I'm referring to my mother - would have me work on things I am not remotely interested in. So I continue to search for jobs in things that I would at least hold vague interest in. I'm managing to apply for one or two per day, which is not bad, really. Hey, it's my life. I know the focus is on my sister, as she has both a partner and a job - neither of which I have - and she's moving out soon and all. But I am attempting to prod my life forwards as well.
In addition to occasional motivation, my progress was always helped forwards by an incredible amount of luck and God's gifts to me of exceptional intelligence and a great deal of natural charm. There's not much else I can do, I'll grant you, and with a massive lack of confidence maybe the things I could do were not exactly in the right hands. But I managed to coast my way through the majority of my education buoyed by wielding what I already had with some degree of skill, only putting on the final exertions myself when I needed to, such as during A-Levels or my degree course.
But that's academia and work-work (you know, real world work... the scary kind). What about other things? Things which are extracurricular to whatever I'm meant to be doing for Life, but which are actually more important? Well, for those I have enthusiasm, but lack motivation.
A good example being making new friends. Back when I was single last time, I didn't have much of a problem. In the flesh, I've never found it easy to make friends - it always happened through circumstance. But online, no problem. People found it really easy to talk to me, due to my easy demeanour, overall goodness and the aforementioned natural charm. And the fact that I flirted, although not outrageously. But I flirted. A lot. I loved it. And in the full knowledge than I am an ILB and not likely to get anywhere, I felt safe. And I'd like to think that I made girls feel safe through the occasional light tease. This was something I was good at...
...I just don't seem to be able to do it any more.
This is a problem. I met a French girl on the internet a few days ago. She seems nice. I'm not too far out of a relationship, but she seemed a bit interested (as well as living roughly twenty minutes' walk away) so I thought, well, here's a chance to have some coffee with someone new, even if it's just as friends. Makes sense, right? And it was going quite well, what with her adding me to Facebook and a good Facebook Chat, erm, chat. And then yesterday came and...
...I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I didn't know what to say. I'd already asked her if she wanted to meet for a coffee one lunchtime, so she said she didn't know (47 says that "I don't know" is a yes in disguise, although I'm not sure). I left that in her hands and then tried to talk about something else. But I had no idea what! The weather? The landscape? Her job? Where in France she's from? Well, I'd already exhausted all these subjects, due to there not being much in either of them in addition to her short answers (due to her knowledge of English not being wondrous!).
I used to be able to talk for hours about nothing at all while keeping people interested! Where did that ability go?!
47 came over the other day. H is back in town, apparently, and I need to catch up with Mini. But I really do need something else to occupy my time with. Something to look forward, apart from Glee.
Flirting used to bridge that gap.
Why can't I do it any more?
Welcome back to singledom, ILB. Now work hard, or you just won't get anywhere.