Thursday, 30 December 2010

No sex. Period.

I just spent a nice few days with TD. We had sex - once - and it was very good. There was a bit of playing otherwise, but as she has succumbed to that female thing which appears to happen once every month (except, being a boy, I am not privy to this mysterious practice; to all intents and purposes, it appears to be painful and I'm not sure I want to know), we didn't have sex after that.

Not that I mind having sex with a girl on her period - I've had sex with Rebecca, Alicia and snowdrop when they were all having fun with their wombs, not to mention TD, who I've not only slept with but also licked out while haemoglobin was present. Nor do I mind not having sex for a while - I managed three or so years, I can also manage two days, especially as we can give and receive pleasure in other ways (and yes, I am talking about reading stories and, oddly enough, playing Superfrog while she works on her PhD).

I did, however, buy How To Make Love Like A Porn Star on the way home today. My sister sent me a text to tell me that our mother was in what I colourfully refer to as "Move-And-I'll-Maim-You Mode", so I stayed in London for a while and decided to pick this up at Forbidden Planet (along with Green Arrow #5, 6 and 7!). And clearly the effect of gratification sans intercourse, porn star memoir acquisition and, er, Oliver Queen having sex... has had some sort of effect on me...

...because I'm restless beyond all measure.

I know! I'll buy some more books!

Sunday, 26 December 2010

Soft Porn Sunday: Melina Hanson & Anthony DeVilla

At the last CCK social I attended, I met someone who didn't know what softcore was, which is unacceptable, not to mention very hard to believe; what was he doing throughout his teenage years?! TD wouldn't agree with me on this, but I love soft porn - I think it's fantastic, and there are some scenes that always stick out in my head (not to mention my collection). So I'm going to attempt to write about some of them in a regular feature (oh dear Glod, a "regular feature" - I sound like every other self-absorbed blogger in existence), which I'll call Soft Porn Sunday. Think of me as like a gentler, less successful Mr Skin.

This really isn't going to work. Anyway.

Appearance: Passion Cove, Series 2: "Practice What You Preach" (2001)
Characters: Ruth & Nick

Passion Cove is a ridiculou
s programme, but it still draws viewers. Like most softcore programmes around, it has a common setting (in this case, a beach resort), but the plot is always different. I liked it because of the amount of skin we got - a minimum of two scenes per episode, which was okay for half-an-hour. The stories were always totally unbelievable, but at least they were actually trying. And some of the acting wasn't so bad, either.

The scene I've chosen features Melina Hanson as Ruth and Anthony DeVilla as her fiancé, Nick. This is odd in itself for a softcore scene, as they're actually Being A Couple, and that's why they have sex. There's none of the randomness element here; they have sex because they are a couple and they like sex. They do it a lot, in fact. Three times in the same episode.

I like this scene, though, because it highlights the "random sex in a random place" element. Gone is the bed in the resort, here we have Ruch and Nick having sex up against a craggy cliff on the seaside. The scene quickly dissolves between different positions - standing-up sex, fellatio against the cliff, cowgirl sex followed by missionary on a picnic blanket which appears to have been placed there specifially for the actors to lie on (thereby avoiding any friction burns or cuts on the rock) - before culminating in the couple having sex on a log (wtf? Where did the log come from?) in slow-motion.

I'm not keen on the slow-mo bit, but I particularly like the fact that this scene used the We Are A Couple element to highlight the possible spontaneity of sex. As you can see from the screenshot, two other characters watch (but they are Not A Couple at this point), but that's only because they happen to chance across Ruth and Nick during a stroll on EXACTLY THE SAME BEACH at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME. Oh, good one, show. This doesn't really add or detract from the scene in any way, but as they are the main characters, there was a good enough reason to include this scene.

So, yeah. The music's not great by any means and the camera work's not exactly the best, but it's an okay scene. Hanson and DeVilla have good chemistry with some acceptable bumping and grinding and a very enthusiastic kiss, and it does put sex in random places in a very favourable light. So I like it, for what it's worth.

Friday, 24 December 2010

One of the Three

Christmas makes people do strange things, often related to lights.

They're everywhere. Especially around areas like the south of Nottingham, where I spent my university years, and in the northern suburbs of London, where - of course - I am now. Lights of the most gaudy varieties covering the front of houses, trees both outside and in decorated with twinkling LEDs merrily wasting electricity for our visual delight. I've even seen some people decorate their bedrooms with fairy lights, some of which are on permanently. And I thought I was the one without any sleep.

Robinson was driving us to the leisure centre last night (it was a good idea to go swimming; alas, they had closed at 6:30pm and it was coming on to 8, so maybe not such a good idea after all), taking us down a road which, it seems, had lent itself to the most tasteless Christmas decorations inside the M25 (in our house we have restricted ourselves to one tree with tinsel and baubles - which is quite enough, I find). Lights, flashing incessantly, everywhere, and in the worst of cases, little inflatable or glowing Father Christmases hanging perpetually in suspended animation.

Well, not quite the worst of cases.

There was, in one case, a girl's bedroom on the first floor of one of the houses. And spraypainted onto the window of the room, distinctly and without any further indication of continuation of the Christmas phrase, was the single word:


...At least, I hope it was part of the phrase. Unless it's either a jealous ex-lover or a girl who is in/secure enough to brand herself.

But let's not dwell on that too much... right?

Tuesday, 21 December 2010


[UPDATE: If you're reading this at any point during or after December 2018, please excuse the formatting below. I'll fix it "at some point".]

Three bloody years! Blimey, damn it all and bugger me with a stick if it isn’t time to update my FAQ. And luckily, it is, so that’s saved me from a rather undignified start.
To anyone who’s not sure what I’m doing here, I do this every year because it saves me from having to write a new post. But it’s updated every year too, so there’s new stuff too.

The original FAQ is here, redraft one is here, and redraft two is here. This is version four of the FAQ. I hope it’s formatted properly this time.


Who are you?

I am Innocent Loverboy, commonly known as ILB. I write a sex blog as well as doing other things, none of which are particularly interesting, but never mind.

Age / Sex / Location?

25 years old / Male / London. And occasionally Oxford. My birthday is in March and I was born in North London. At the time of writing, I’m living in my parents’ second house (we moved out of our first house when I was 2).

And what's with the love status?

In a relationship with The Drinker (which I often lazily abbreviate to TD), formerly The Oxford Seamstress, known by other names to me, one of which is 'kitty'. We've been together now for over two years, since 11 May 2008. I didn’t actually think that I’d ever get a girlfriend again, but I did, so, er… there we go. We met through our respective blogs, oddly enough.

What’s your sexuality?
Straight. I’ve never had a homosexual experience and I don’t intend to. Sorry, but it just doesn’t really appeal!

What's your main job? And what's hers?
I was a teaching assistant for two years, and since then I've switched. I went to one of the colleges of the University of London for a vocational course, but the standard of their teaching was very poor and eventually I dropped out, because I’d had enough. I’m now jobseeking, which is a bit of a bitch. But I’m also working part-time for TD’s mother, which is quite fun!
TD is doing a PhD and becoming an academic. I am jealous and slightly amazed at her commitment. I’m interested in her thesis, because it’s a genuinely involving subject, and as a fellow English graduate, I’m glad we have that connection!

What did you graduate in?
I have a BA (Hons) in English and a DipHE in Health Studies. I got a 2:1 (Upper Second) for my English degree, and a Pass for my DipHE. I didn’t get the qualification from the course I dropped out of, but I still think of myself as qualified enough – perhaps a bit overqualified!
Interestingly enough, I also have a certificate in child protection and safeguarding and another one in foreign language teaching. Strange, eh?

Which languages do you speak?
English (just about), German and French to GCSE level, and conversational Japanese (I did Japanese as my minor at university), although my knowledge of all these (except perhaps English… perhaps) is slipping! I am also fluent in over six million forms of communication. These signals are not used by the Alliance. It may be an Imperial code.


What's this blog for?

It's still a sex blog, despite what else you may find here. You'll find reviews of sex products as well as posts about actual sex, my addiction posts, wistful ramblings and other stuff about life, love, the universe and coffee. Except maybe not coffee, since I drink more tea than coffee.
I don't generally write about my life, as such. There are places for that stuff, such as my LiveJournal, and this isn't one of them. This is a much more interesting blog, although you’ll occasionally find stuff about basic life elements, when I think they’re funny enough to share with a wider audience.

When and why did you create it?

Exactly three years ago - 21 December 2007.
I'd been reading sex blogs for ages, and very few were written by boys. There are now a few more that I'm aware of - Todger Talk and The Edge of Vanilla are examples - but most of them, and especially the more famous ones, were written by girls - the Channel 4 documentary only ever mentioned the girl sex bloggers! In my personal blog, I'd mentioned love and sex a few times, but I wanted to muse more upon the topics than I did, so I started a more anonymous way of conveying my thoughts - thus, ILB.
There's a post about it here.

And what's with the blog subtitle? Why do you keep changing it?

Because it's funny. Do you have a problem with that? I like to change it once every couple of months. For the first two days, this blog had my profile as its subtitle, and that just looked ugly, so I made it prettier. And, frankly, shorter.

If you have any suggestions for a blog subtitle, send it my way; I’m always up for new ones!

You still clam you're different. What makes you so different?

There are, again, a number of reasons for this:
(i) I place much more value on love then sex. I'm not saying that other people don't (by all accounts, other people should), but to me, love is vital - sex, while fantastic, can only be a side-effect of love. I can both merge and separate the two very quickly. I’ve had both casual sex and sex while in loving relationships and both have been fine, but I always prefer relationships.
(ii) I like softcore erotica, also known as ‘soft porn’, and consider myself something of an expert in the sex scenes! I don't like hardcore porn nearly as much, although it depends on the situation the porn is intending to convey!
(iii) I'm genuine and honest. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs or even eat meat. And it's not all a façade, that's just who I am.
(iv) I'm incredibly shy to ask people out. In fact, I don't ask people out. I have such a morbid fear of rejection that I don't even try, and the only time I’ve tried (it took me a year to build up the courage) I got a rejection. The two relationships I've had have been more luck than effort - in fact, I think they just 'happened'.
(v) Despite my inner shyness, I'm quite an outgoing person. But it's mostly false bravado. Covering up the shivering wreck I really am does help somewhat.
Basically, I'm not your typical 'lad'. Not trying to stereotype boys, of course, but the unfair image that has been applied to them definitely doesn't apply to me. I don't even like sports of any kind! In real life, the idea that 'boys only want one thing' isn't true. In fact, in many cases they can be much more romantic than girls (a girl told me that, so it’s got to be true)... and I'll prove that to you. Ha!

Why are you using Blogger?

A lot of sex journals are written in Blogger. There are better blog services out there, such as LiveJournal. However, places like LJ (and I already have an LJ, anyway) are much more personal-based and it may not be very prudent to start a blog there if I wish to remain anonymous! Also, quality of blog service doesn't equal quality of blog! There are sex blogs on LJ that are truly atrocious!
I don't mean to diminish other blog services such as WordPress, either - my sister and some of my friends use it; I just don't like its control panel's layout much. Mind you, Blogger isn't much better. It took me ages to format this post correctly!
Blogger also doesn’t have the ‘friends’ service functionality that LJ has. So if I want to link to something, I’ll link to it on my sidebar, never mind where or what it is! I find that a much easier way of networking with the sex blogger community…

And you've written a book?

Well, it's not exactly a book unless you count self-published things as 'books', but for the sake of my own vast ego, then yes, I have written a book. The first print run I did via university photocopiers had some rather dodgy page alignments and picture qualities, so I worked on another one, and the few copies I have left looks really quite pretty. The content's exactly the same, though. You can find more details here.

Sounds great! Where do I get it?

Liar! If you have PayPal you can buy it online (ink, paper and postage don't come free, alas) from its minisite here. Yes, I did the site myself. You can probably tell. It costs £3 in GBP, plus 50p postage. You can order from abroad if you want. I’ve only got a few copies left, but I’m sure you’d enjoy it – whoever you are!

What else do you write?

Songs (I'm the lead singer of a band and I love it; we released an album this year and I’m proud of that), poetry, reviews (mostly of games) and fiction. Through university (first time around), I was a staff member of the paper, and when I was young I ran my own self-produced journal! I was so enterprising back then. It's unlikely that you'll have come across anything else I'll have written online, but it may happen. It won't be labelled as ILB, though, so don't go nuts looking or anything.
If you put “Innocent Loverboy” into Google, you can find comments I’ve written on other people’s blogs… although you should probably just read the blogs instead.

Who did the buttons on your sidebar? Who drew the FAQ girl, for example?
Me, of course. Interestingly, the FAQ girl is a drawing I did years ago of a friend called Anna, at a time when she was very confused. I thought it'd be perfect for a link to a load of questions!
All the other buttons are 86x45 pixels, and all made by me, excepting the NaBloPoMo awards, which are made by them with me adding the month below in coloured text.

What do you think is the best post you've written?
Ah, now this is a difficult one! It's pretty much impossible to choose, depending on what you’re looking for – do you want sex, humour, love, or stupidity? Here's an idea: you read the whole blog, and then you tell me!

What's with the blogroll? Heroes? Villains? Excuse me?
Okay, well, this was an attempt to make my blogroll more interesting. If you're a villain it doesn't mean I don't like your blog, of course. Just clearing that one up.
Heroes are bloggers who keep their blog updated. These are the ones I check and read every day because they're either likely or semi-likely to have something new to read. Villains are blogs whose authors have stopped writing them, or have gone on hiatus, or simply disappeared. They're worth reading in archived form but aren't worth a check every day. If they start updating them again they become a Hero.
Unaligned blogs are blogs that aren't really about sex. They are just reminders that the wider world isn't full of smut. Well, not if you look carefully anyway.
Do you sell links on your blog?
No. Unlike other sex blogs, I don’t really do commercialism. I will write reviews of sex products if you want, but they’ll be honest reviews. I don’t do affiliate links or commissions. The only thing I’ll plug in earnest is the wonderful Coffee, Cake & Kink – the erotic café gallery which had better be back in Central London soon, or I may just scream.
Oh, and the CCK image on my sidebar is a placeholder until I can put a map to their new store, wherever that ends up being.


How many people have you had sex with?
I have had sex with six people: Rebecca (my first girlfriend who left for another man), Louise (an oversexed friend of mine who I still talk to occasionally), Alicia (an older woman who I had friendly sex with), Lily (my only one-time stand, not at night, who was not nice), snowdrop (a friend, but this is complicated) and, of course, TD. They're all fine, last I heard, although I haven't seen a few of them for ages. I met all of them on the internet, which proves that it can be done!

When did you last have sex?
Saturday. It’s now Tuesday.

How often do you have sex?
Well, I can’t really say it’s a planned event!

Who are the people mentioned on this blog?

Okay, well, what a question! I may as well list people here - and there have been a few changes since last time.

The main players on this stage are:
- ILB: Innocent Loverboy, a sensitive and engaging boy with a rapier wit, wonderful blue eyes and a big head like one of those guys from Theme Hospital.
- The Drinker: A lovely girl who happens to be my girlfriend and also writes a blog, although she doesn’t update that much, preferring to work on her PhD.
- All other sex bloggers are referred to by their blogging name.

The people who know I am ILB are:
- H: Is my best female friend. She makes me feel relaxed, which isn't easy. I don't see her as often as I used to, but she lives in London so she's always close by. She approves of my relationship with TD, which is good.
- 47: Is my best male friend and in many ways the brother I never had. He's one of the very few people who knows I am also ILB, and he's clever enough to have worked it out himself. His friendship is an acquired taste, but I can tolerate him, mostly because he's stuck with me through some very tough times, and I'm reciprocating.
- Mini: Is a close friend who I don't see nearly enough. She's also the shortest person of my age that I know, being roughly the same size as my 14-year-old cousin. She is, like me, a lover of music.
- Syren: I hold this young lady very close to my heart, although the only time I did that physically, she fell asleep. Hmmm. She's impossible to describe, but I used the word 'delicate' once, so I'll go with that.
- swallow: I met this crazy girl briefly at university, and I then re-encountered her on the Internet, years later. Strange, that. Oh, and the lower-case ‘s’ is intentional. 

The other people who may get a mention are:
- Robinson: Is my oldest friend. I've known him since we were about 3. We grew up in the same school, both went to The Woodcraft Folk, and still meet up (with other Woodies) every so often.
- Hairy Friend: Outmatches me in the facial hair stakes (although I don’t like my beard too long, he seems to). He was the second-most sexually active of my friends, after me, when we were all single. And he's a riot, too. He now has a girlfriend who lives in America.
- TD's friends: Are mentioned on her blog, usually by single initials. Should I ever need to mention them, I'll use the same system (although I only ever think I've mentioned N thus far - feel free to prove me wrong, though...). They’re an odd bunch, collected from an assortment of places.
- University and job people: Eh, I may make up names for these if I ever mention any of them.

Have you met any famous sex bloggers?
Yes, I’ve met Abby Lee and Belle de Jour. I’ve also exchanged e-mails with Al Needham, but that was because I confused him with a completely different Al Needham. Nice bloke, though.
Will you go out with me? / Will you have sex with me?

No, nobody ever asks that.
There was one girl once who wanted to do this when we were both about 16 or 17. But she never told me that she was in the least bit interested! Take heed, ladies of the world – don’t wait for the boys to ask, because they may never do it!

Can I talk to you? / Can I ask for advice?
Since I started writing ILB, I've actually counselled a few friends of mine, but 47 at one point as well), who all seem to be grateful for an innocent loverboy's point of view.
The answer, anyway, is yes. You don't even have to talk about relationships – I’m always up for a chat. Just drop me an e-mail or add me to MSN (tim2timmers at and we will talk, promise!

Can we have cybersex?
Incredibly, people have asked me this before. The official answer is no, ’cuz it’s kind of like cheating. Besides, cybersex is more suited for IRC than MSN, due to the existence of the /me command…
IRC? Are you on IRC?
Occasionally, but usually not on sex IRC networks. Nevertheless, it’s a safe assumption that if you see anyone on an IRC network with the name ‘ILB’, then that’s me.

What's with that e-mail address?
Well, okay, first of all, my name isn't actually Tim, heh. It's just a pseudonym I used before I started ILB, and since it was a spare e-mail address, I decided to use that one. I am well aware that Yahoo! is a shit company, but at least it still works. And yes, it works for MSN despite not being a Windows Live! address. Don't believe me? Add it! Or ask me to add you!

What's your favourite sex position?
It's a tie. Missionary, astride (cowgirl), reverse missionary and doggie all have their merits. Although it's nice to see who you're making love to, so...
Are you a dom or a sub?
Neither. I’m a switch, if anything. I’m not dominant enough to be a dom, and I’m too averse to pain to be a sub! Besides, why do you need to categorise like that anyway?

What do you look like?
I'm tall for my age. I'd describe myself as 'average build' - or I used to on dating sites - even though I do have a slightly large stomach. I'm not a round person though, I'm a thin guy who got fat. I have shortish black hair, and sparkly blue eyes (my eyes are the only feature about my physical appearance I'm totally happy with). My hands are OK too, and my arms have a bit of muscle, due to playing musical instruments and computer games. Just not enough to make a noticeable difference.
I’ve got a short black stubbly beard (deliberately). I’m still not sure about it.

What are your activities, outside of blogging?
Writing, and reading. Music - I mentioned my little rock band before, and I've also played in various orchestras and ensembles, although none of them for a very long time. I also once had a short-lived solo career. I like to sing and to dance, occasionally at the same time.
I've also been known to act. My biggest parts have been in Chekhov's The Cherry Orchard, Plautus' Gloriosus, Nichols' Forget-Me-Not Lane and a pantomime called Snow White and Several Dwarfs (we had 8). I also made an appearance on-screen in the movie An Education, but my cameo (where I walked across the screen smiling) was cut from the final edit. My dad is an actor, so I’ve caught this from him.
I’ve started to do a little bit of comedy recently, as well.

Who are your favourite band?
James. By a long way. They have always got a song for every occasion, and I am grateful for their skill and dedication. They came back onto the scene in 2007 and it’s been amazing ever since, despite their two weak albums in 2010. Thanks, guys.
I'm into most rock, indie, alternative and pop bands, though – I’ll listen to almost anything – and I also have an inbuilt love of classical symphonies and Bolero by Ravel, which was the song I listened to in the car the first time I went to visit TD.

If I want to read other blogs, which ones should I read?
Anyone on my sidebar is worth a read, but I’d recommend Lady Pandorah. She’s been a really good blogger for ages and is still going strong. But seriously, read everyone you can. There are hundreds of sex blogs to trawl through, and this is as good a place to start as any.

And what are you going to give me for Christmas?
Nothing. I’m unemployed, remember?
Questions gone unanswered? Probably not. But just in case you want to ask me anything (this is the place where I’d link to a Formspring account, but I’m not going to go that far), just drop me an e-mail, leave a comment, or catch me on Twitter! Oh, and… thanks for reading, if you’ve reached this bit! You are pretty.
And you know what? So am I!

Monday, 20 December 2010

Get closer!

I've always liked birthday sex. Hell, I love sex, and I like birthdays too - especially if they are my own. There's something narcissistically cool about getting presents and adoration for no reason besides the fact that you are a year closer to your own death. Especially if the presents are nice - otherwise, it just doesn't appear to work.

It wasy my girlfriend's birthday the other day (Saturday), and I rocked up with a couple of pretty unassuming, but entertaining, presents - the DVD of Miyazaki's Ponyo (master of all things animé, this guy, but how many times has he retired now?) and the necessary third volume from the Glee soundtrack - but they were wrapped up nicely in wrapping paper which wasn't Christmas-themed (must be a relief to not have snowmen or Santa or Jesus on your paper if you must insist on being born at Christmas), and there was a stylised "KITTY!", etched with sketching pencils and coloured in, rainbow-like, stuck on with sticky-backed plastic. Rather than just, you know, a tag. And, considering I ordered the presents from Amazon, took me the longest time to do.

We had some great sex on Saturday, and both occurrences stick out in my mind for different reasons. The first time was early in the morning and very sleepy. We switched positions a couple of times, and while kneeling up behind her, holding her hips for support, I rocked backwards a bit and caught a glimpse of a white world outside, everything blanketed in a cold, wet, deep snow. But at this point everything else got a little wet and deep, so I didn't have time to pay much attention (although wading through said snow later on in order to buy a birthday lunch made its presence a little more present in my mind).

The second time... ah, well, that was special.

You see, originally I hadn't planned to be there overnight, on account of the fact that I had an event on Sunday (I eventually went, but due to the aforementioned snow, I got there far too late and missed a third of it. I got the main bulk, though). But I decided to stay, because:

a) it was snowing
b) it was her birthday
c) it was getting late
d) it meant another night in bed with her

So we had sex again, natch. This time, it was sleepy but for a different reason; we were knackered, presumably by wading through snow and watching a film about a goldfish who turns into a girl (which seemed perfectly acceptable at the time). But it was her birthday, and I was all up for it. In fact, I'd dispensed with all determination and good intentions by this point. I was going to make her orgasm, and that was it. It was already written in the stars. Not that I could see many stars while my head was clamped between her thighs, but I knew what they were saying. Of course, it was also difficult to concentrate on star-speech while I gently-but-also-oh-so-forcefully guided her through her orgasm with my tongue, as well as while slididng my hard penis into her soft folds, but I think I managed.

I forgot all about stars when that happened, though, because at that point I noticed something that I'd never experiences before. I was having perhaps the closest sex I've ever had.

It's not exactly intensity that I'm talking about here. With TD, sex is always intense. But physically closely. She was under me, comfortably, and there was a duvet lying on top of us (don't judge, it's cold!). We were merrily having sex - as you do - but there was probably something to do with the angle, the position, the duvet, or the stars (or all of them), which made me feel very... close. I'm hypersensitive anyway, but this time, I could feel everything. I could feel her legs wrapped around mine, her tits pressing against my chest, her hair in my face, my hand around her neck, her inside walls moulding themselves around my cock. Everything, twice as much. I was very aware of her around, and under, me. I just felt - as I said - close. Very fluid, very connected. Close.

I've always liked birthday sex.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010


Retweeted on Twitter (via drakkardnoir by way of thiefree) by me:

We always ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us.

You probably don't even know who you are, but one day, you'll know how I felt.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Seriously, getting a bit worried now...

Woke up with a picture in my head. Not someone I've been dreaming about... just a picture. A girl on a bed, topless. Damn! Who is she? I knew I'd seen her before... but I also knew I didn't know her. But then why was she in my head?

I closed my eyes. Where have I seen her before? Blonde hair, long. Straight but possibly straightened. Slim. Big boobs. A small amount of fluid movement. This is different, I thought. I'd been dreaming about making love to my girlfriend overnight... so where had this woman come from?

I pieced bits of the puzzle together. Blonde... is it the random blonde from Cruel Intentions 3? No, that's a bit too random. Syren? No, this girl's face is different, plus I've never seen Syren topless. Power Girl? No, not that busty. Princess Peach? No, that's just wrong on all levels. Wake up, brain! Wake up!

Thoughts rattled around in my head. Blonde. Slim. Boobs. And a small amount of movement... where's the movement from? Falling... falling backwards onto a bed. A small flop backwards, landing on a bed. It's one of those classic moves. Easy. I must have seen it in soft porn. But whom?

I sat up. Blinked. And then it hit me with full force.

Anna Nicole Smith.

And she's been dead for years.

What the fuck? Why...?

Monday, 13 December 2010

Hello, world!

So, yeah, I'm downloading the new version of MSN messenger... sorry, "Windows Live! Messenger". It's shit. But then again, all versions of this program have been shit since the name changed to "Windows Live!". Fortunately, I still have version 4 of the original program, Windows Messenger, installed on my system (check it out, it comes with all versions of Windows, without any bells and whistles, and is incredibly simple). Just check this out:

Doesn't that look fantastic?

The best thing about this program is that it can run simultaneously with Windows Live! Messenger, so I can easily sign on, both as 'me', and as 'not-me'.

Come and talk to me. I don't bite, mostly because I'm not angry enough.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Pressure's On

TD likes it when I put pressure on her, although not exactly in the emotional sense. I'm not the kind of person who would even attempt to pressure someone into doing anything anyway, the only exception being talking my mother into giving up eating fish when I was eight, so I'm not likely to do that either. She likes the physical pressure; I didn't realise this until yesterday, when she said so.

I mean, I knew she liked me pressing my knee up between her legs, but I just assumed this was because my largeish knee would be able to touch clit, vagina and anus all at the same time. I knew she liked my arms around her, but I assumed this was because they made her feel safe. I knew she liked me holding her, but I assumed that was... actually, I don't know that one, but I assumed it, okay?

Turns out she likes the pressure.

I'd like to point out that I'm not as strong as she thinks I am. I don't even know why she thinks I'm strong. I'm not. I have trouble with jam jar lids, opening the back door, and lifting the TV. I do have muscular enough arms (well, not really, just arms without the fat that covers the rest of my body), but that's due to playing guitar, violin and drums, as well as masturbating chronically since the age of 17. I do have the urge to stretch so far I feel like I could grow a couple of extra inches sometimes, but that doesn't mean there's muscle there, it just means I'm weird.

Or I'm an angel and my wings are growing inwards, causing the urge to stretch. I like that explanation more.

Anyway, she likes the pressure. She likes my knee pressing in between her legs. She likes my chest flat against her back. She likes my arms holding her. Tightly.

What is this? An extra desire for intensity? Probably not. But I'll do it, I'll put the pressure on her.

Just... not too much. Or I'll expend all the energy I need for sex. And where's the pressure in that?

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Sex Blogger Top Trumps

Innocent Loverboy

Marks out of Ten
Name: 6

Sexual Experience: 5
Explicitness: 8
Bandwagon Whoring: 9
Disturbance Factor: 2
Reviews: 4
Humour: 8
Paparazzi Bait: 1
Corporate Capitalist Scum Rating: 2
Pretentiousness: 11

Feel free to do this yourself. I'd be interested to see how good you all are at self-rating, and all that jazz.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Public Display of Transport

So I had this dream the other day, I've had it before: I'm masturbating on a bus. And people are looking at me strangely. You know, as they probably would.

This being Britain, nobody is saying anything, but I'm getting disapproving glares from motherly-looking women a few seats away. There's nobody sitting next to me, but all the seats have access to a telescreen, which is - naturally - showing porn. I can't exactly remember the specifics of the porn, mind you; I remember it being boy/girl, and the girl has long, curly hair. Is there a story? Can't remember. Where are they? Can't remember. My memory recalls a chair, and varying positions, and a white background. But I can't remember what the porn's about. Maybe one day I will.

The odd thing about this dream - you know, apart from that whole "wanking in public transport" thing - is that it is in fact a sequel to another dream, in which I was doing exactly the same thing on a train. Same set-up, same porn, same activity. Except that in the train dream, I was so far away from everyone else in the carriage that nobody noticed. I think I may have even climaxed in that one (although not in real life; it wasn't a wet dream), which is also a bit of a novelty. And maybe it's natural, since I got away with it that first time, that I did so again, on the bus. That was the second incidence of this dream. The one the other day was #3.

Still with me so far? Good.

The variation between #2 and #3 was more minimal than the train/bus debacle. Dream #2 ended when I noticed the women glaring at me. I remember being pretty scared that they noticed me, and considering pulling my trousers up. But then the dream ended. Whereas in #3, I did pull my trousers up. Or started to, anyway. But then they'll notice, I thought to myself. They'll notice I'm pulling my trousers up, and then they'll certainly know what I was doing! You understand the predicament? Again, I don't exactly know what happened to my dream-self, because at that point, I awoke with a start.


Will I ever have to face the repercussions or pulling my trousers up, as a result of watching porn on a telescreen on a bus, forcing me to maturbate in front of motherly women on their morning run? Well, in real life... no. But, just to satisfy my curiosity, can I push for a threequel? Something which confirms what happens to poor, sweet ILB, who clearly can't wait until he gets home to administer sexual gratification to himself?

Next time, I'm pushing for a hovercraft.