Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I'm stressed.
This is, of course, nothing new. But then again, you consider the facts - I'm still doing this stupid course, my entire future is thrown into uncertainty, and Forbidden Planet don't have Green Arrow #32 rendering my collection incomplete - you can probably work out that I'm stressed. As I told the doctor this morning, I have a history of depression, anxiety, insomnia, IBS, itching, hypersexuality, hitting my fingernail with the hammer, getting all socialist, and stating the fucking obvious. Yeah, I'm stressed.
Fortunately (and this is the kind of this-is-why-God-exists fortunately), my girlfriend is a trained masseuse. Not that she does it for a living, but nevertheless, she's very good at it. You know I'd say that, but bear in mind that after sex I'm usually up and about fetching her water. After a massage I'm usually collapsed into some sort of heap, trying to remember what walking is, which sort of puts this into perspective. I'm not lying, anyway.
Durex did this thing. I'm calling it a thing because most of the stuff in their Play range - cock rings, special condoms, lubrications, stimulating gels, massage mousses - have a specific purpose. This one doesn't, really. Hence the name - "2 in 1". And I'm still not sure what it's meant to do, except I can tell you that it does it well.
I think primarily this is a lubricant, except I've never actually used it for lubrication. What I have indulged in, however, is having my back massaged with copious amounts of this stuff, which is almost as addictive as the hands that massage me. Nevertheless, I can see why it would be an attractive lubricating option. It feels gentle, it's light and it's not greasy or sticky either. There's no danger of feeling dry when this stuff's on the agenda, which eviently means that if you're wanting lubrication, this is a certain winner. According to the packaging, it's safe for all sorts of intimate areas, which, y'know, helps.
As for its massaging capabilities, well - these are awesome. It has a very pleasant scent to it, and even tastes nice (so it's kiss-safe, which is great). It's apparently cold, but my lovely masseuse warms it in her hands before putting it on me - always feels nice to me anyway - and it contains aloe vera, which - frankly - is genius. My skin's easily broken and I have hypersensitive skin which constantly itches, so a massage product containing aloe vera, noted for its healing and soothing properties, is perhaps the best thing since whatever was the best thing before sliced bread became possible.
This stuff's even water-soluble, so if you've had a particularly long massage session and want to clean yourself up afterwards (especially if sex follows the massage; that's usually the natural order of play), it washes off really easily. Really. You barely feel it wash off. It doesn't stain and it's not sticky. The perfect crime.
And the bottle. Well, it even looks good. It's a lovely shade of purple, it feels good in the hand - like a SNES controller - is a nice shape, and has a good design on the front. Simple, yet effective and tempting. And the cap is non-drip. Somebody's tried hard on this.
In fact, they've excelled themselves with this product. It seems as if it's some sort of wonder liquid - a lube with a pleasant, gentle aroma and no messy fuss to worry about crossed with a massage oil that easily beats both their mousse and melts about ten times over without even trying that hard. There's a sort of marvellous neutrality about this thing, and it really - really, really - helps.
Bravo, chaps. Bra-vo.