The first time I had sex was at the age of 17, which is in fact the UK's average age for losing one's virginity, so I've heard tell. Judging by the people in my sixth form, you wouldn't believe that was true - having sex was either VERY, VERY BAD (according to the evangelical Christians, who I hung around with on account of the fact that I thought they needed a liberal to balance them out) or COMPLETELY UNOBTAINABLE (according to the geeks, who had yet to manage the sexy geek chique, and I hung around with because I, too, am a geek) or REGRETTABLE (according to the people who found a chance, grabbed it and later regretted every second). Whatever the reason, sex just wasn't going on in my sixth form, and therefore I was one of the first people to engage in flagrante delicto amongst us, not that I was counting or anything.
I think some people were counting, but I wasn't one of them.
What still surprises me about this was not that I had sex (I was in a relationship, after all) or the fact that it came out (I wasn't really keeping it much of a secret; it's not something to be ashamed of); rather, my peers' reaction to it was... well, an over-reaction. To be honest, I wasn't expecting to have had any chance at sexual activity before I left school, so I didn't have a game plan for what might happen if people had quizzed me. The story had got out that I'd, in the words of a casual mate, "got lucky" the year beforehand (a lie, naturally), and so I had to vehemently deny that one, but I didn't imagine having to justify myself having had sex. And yet, I did.
The comment I got most was, "...but I thought you were against sex before marriage?"
I still don't understand whether or not these people were listening when I stood up during an RE lesson in year 7 and gave an impassioned speech in favour of sex before marriage. Maybe they'd switched off by that point. Our drippy RE teacher certainly had - she wrote in my exercise book, in fact, can you love someone and not marry them. I wonder what happened to the casual use of the question mark?
Of course, once the school had settled down to this not-too-shocking-information, I got one of my friends informing me that now everyone absolutely hated me, "...because you're getting it and they're not."
Yes, and that's my fault, is it? I wasn't having sex with my then-girlfriend in order to make everyone jealous, or punish them for, well, anything, or even - as one of them seemed to think - as a form of revenge for... uhm... anything.
And then the telephone calls started on Saturday nights, "...in case you was gettin' any action wiv your bird."
I tended to be on the journey home on Saturday nights. Despite me giving them all the details (well, not all the details, but a vague outline of what my weekend involved - it wasn't that exciting). They never caught me, ahem, 'getting any action'.
So, I learned my lesson. Don't have sex, and if you do, don't tell anyone about it. They'll start to act strangely around you, as if you're about to have sex with them. Okay, that last bit's not particularly accurate. I just needed a snappy way to end this one.
This entire entry was typed while listening to Little Boots.