Sunday, 7 March 2010

Straight up!

"Fuck you, stomach," I thought as I scrambled out of TD's bed for the seventh time in a row, leaving a girlfriend both grumpy and worrying in favour of her toilet. Yes, it's not a particularly romantic image, really. It also wasn't the best time to have another of my late-night IBS attacks (why do they always happen at night? It's the worst time!), considering that I'd promised her mother that I'd resume being a teaching assistant for a morning at her school (teaching ICT. Wow, massive departure from your former life, ILB. Well done.*). The following morning, in fact.

Eventually I managed to surmise that my internal war as big as the one in Avatar had subsided, evidenced by the fact that I no longer needed to use the toilet. I also wasn't in pain. But I wasn't moving much, either. And my abdominal section felt strangely tender and wobbly. I had to ease myself back into bed position and even then it was with a groan of less-than-comfortableness. And due to the fact that it was now five in the morning, and I had to be up at seven, I wasn't expecting to get back to sleep at all that night.

This, of course, makes the following occurrence even stranger that it actually was.

I went back to sleep. The dream I had involved me browsing sex blogs. Yes, aren't I predictable? It's notable, however, for being the first time sex blogs have featured in my dreams since I started writing one over two years ago. I even remember specifics; I was reading a blog that doesn't exist (to my knowledge) - one started by a boy and with only two, rather boring, posts - and then went back to ILB and started browsing through my heroes list, something I endeavour to do every day and end up failing to do (though I try...). It wasn't even that erotic a dream.

So I was confused as to why I was so turned on.

This was when I realised I was in dream and therefore I must be asleep. Yay, a lucid dream. Okay, now I can do whatever I want. Oh, fuck. I've woken up. Well, that lasted long.
I had woken up with the biggest erection I have ever had in my life. Almost creating a right-angle from the countours of my body, as evidenced by the fact that it was, in fact, sticking right into my girlfriend's back. Not the best place for my penis to be sticking, I'll grant you. But the fact that it was involuntary made it SPECIAL. Well, I think it did. Maybe it was the fact that it was such a nice erection. Or maybe it was the fact that I had a very bad night and that started with pain and ended with this.

Whatever. Anyway, reasons aside, I've now decided I have superpowers. And it only took me one night of IBS, a strange semi-erotic dream and my girlfriend's back to come to this conclusion.

Excuse me while I go and fight evil.

* Sarcasm.


misspiggy said...

I sound like a spammer but have you tried Mebeverine? - for me at least, it works life-changingly well...

Innocent Loverboy said...

Yes, I use Mebeverine.

Colofac tablets are coated in a casing containing gelatine, so that renders them not-vegetarian-friendly as such. There's a company that produces non-coated Mebeverine tablets (that is to say, they contain mebeverine hydrochloride, with a chalk casing but no sugar-coating), but one of the extracts they use for the casing is porcine, so I can't take that either.

In fact, the only vegetarian version of Mebeverine available happens to be a liquid suspension, which is mostly used paediatrically. As an adult, I have to take a double dose. I think the reason that my IBS has been killing me recently is something to do with the fact that I've run out of liquid.

Really should go and ask my GP to prescribe me some more, actually - although I'm not in a hurry. It's banana flavour, and even though I hate the pain of IBS, I hate bananas just as much!